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Karenne
May 5th, 2007, 01:21 AM
This is hilarious but does have some questionable words. So please make sure the kids are not around to here it!

Enjoy!

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/posting.php

jennzilla
September 2nd, 2007, 02:43 AM
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates dot com There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule:There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule:If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?'

Evil, mean and very un-PC, but so's George Carlin. My friend sent this to me, and I wanted to share. A lot less r-rated than that one about the dirty words, which is my all time favorite.

rgraham666
September 2nd, 2007, 09:54 AM
Snerk.

Thanks for the laughs.

I especially like the one about Starbucks. Just give me a friggin' coffee already!

Karenne
September 2nd, 2007, 06:29 PM
Jenn..those are great! I was laughing so hard. that is just what I needed today!

George Carlin is my new hero! Cheerleader

jennzilla
September 6th, 2007, 07:42 PM
I know! Hubby's guilty of that Starbucks one and the Bball card one too LOL!

Susan Kelley
September 6th, 2007, 08:24 PM
This is great. I always end behind those assholes at Starbucks. How can you even call that coffee?

Dani
October 1st, 2007, 11:56 PM
Susan, you're not the only one that gets behind those types of people. I hate it too because they can't seem to make up their minds either, so change the order 5 times and end up going back to the original one. Why can't they just choose that one in the first place and leave it at that? LOL!

This one has to be my all time favorite one:

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

I can't believe how many times I hear that when the kid is 2 and 3 years old. I mean come on people, they are way past the counting the months stage here. :roflmao:

Karenne
October 2nd, 2007, 12:38 AM
snicker! oh my gosh! I thought it was just me that shook my head at people who did that.

By the way...how many months are YOU Dani?Twirling

Dani
October 2nd, 2007, 01:06 AM
Ummm...WAY too many to count, but if you go to this site it will tell you. No, I'm not kidding either. http://www.paulsadowski.org/BirthDay.asp (http://www.paulsadowski.org/BirthDay.asp)

In fact this is some info from my birthday:

As of 10/2/2007 1:03:39 AM EDT
You are 32 years old.
You are 394 months old. (That's how many months Karenne!)
You are 1,710 weeks old.
You are 11,967 days old.
You are 287,209 hours old.
You are 17,232,543 minutes old.
You are 1,033,952,619 seconds old.
This is sad to look at your age this way. :lol:

Karenne
October 2nd, 2007, 09:58 AM
snicker...lets stick with years. It makes you seem younger!

My you look great today Dani! I swear you look younger every time I see you HugMe

Dani
October 2nd, 2007, 10:58 PM
Awww Karenne, thank you for noticing that! :biggrin:

And may I say that you are looking very divine today. Just beautiful!! :wub:

jennzilla
October 2nd, 2007, 11:08 PM
I got this in an email and had to share. It's a little dirty, but tomorrow is hump day after all. :lol:

10. Viagra, Whaazzzz up!

9. Viagra, The quicker pecker picker upper.

8. Viagra, like a rock!

7. Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

6 Viagra, Be all that you can be.

5. Viagra, Reach out and touch someone.

4. Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

3. Viagra, Home of the whopper!

2. Viagra, We bring good things to Life!

And the unanimous number one slogan:

1. This is your peepee. This is your peepee on drugs.

Dani
October 2nd, 2007, 11:18 PM
:roflmao: I put that up in the in the jokes thread in Keri's lobby area! It's great to read them again.

Linda L Lattimer
October 6th, 2007, 01:52 PM
Jenn, thanks for sharing...

Linda

Daelith
February 13th, 2008, 01:12 PM
A friend e-mailed this to me -


Who says Today Kids aren't smart ??


At a high School in Montana a group of high schoolers played a prank on the school.


They let three goats loose in the school.

Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats. 1, 2, 4.


Local school administrators spent most of the day looking for #3.

Dani
February 13th, 2008, 01:49 PM
Laugh it Up fuzball

That would be the type of thing that kids would do at my old high school.

Daelith
February 14th, 2008, 10:29 AM
Another email sent to me.


GOOD A Norton, KS policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)

BETTER A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Hays, Ks. A $40 speeding ticket was included.Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

BEST A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Kansas State Trooper walked to her car window and flipped open his ticket book. She said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball. He replied, ' Kansas State Troopers don't have balls.' There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

Karenne
February 14th, 2008, 12:28 PM
Laugh it Up fuzball Those are hilarious! Thanks for sharing them!

Dani
February 14th, 2008, 03:52 PM
I loved them!! It's the first good laugh I've had all day! Thanks. Laugh it Up fuzball

sjwilling
April 8th, 2008, 03:39 AM
I know! Hubby's guilty of that Starbucks one and the Bball card one too LOL!

I used to work at Starbucks... :(


Susan, you're not the only one that gets behind those types of people. I hate it too because they can't seem to make up their minds either, so change the order 5 times and end up going back to the original one. Why can't they just choose that one in the first place and leave it at that? LOL!




And then they walk off with someone else's...

I loved them!! It's the first good laugh I've had all day! Thanks. Laugh it Up fuzball

I gave up laughing it's bad for the health, I leave that to the evil octuplets now.

S.J.

Dani
April 8th, 2008, 04:28 PM
I gave up laughing it's bad for the health, I leave that to the evil octuplets now.

S.J.

You know, laughter is the best medicine and is a very healthy thing for you to do. It supposedly burns calories too, so laugh it up fuzball!

SelenaBlake
July 8th, 2008, 09:11 AM
LOL. I see a lot of rules that I totally agree with here.

MonikaM
December 16th, 2009, 02:43 AM
Wonderful post, thanks for sharing.