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sjwilling
August 3rd, 2007, 05:59 PM
A.K.A. How To Whip (Up) A Tasty Dish.

Okay, here's the deal. You've met the hero, he's asked you on a date and you, in your infinite wisdom, thought it best to have dinner at your place. Not that you were thinking about the nice king sized bed and how cozy it would be, you just didn't want to be seen around the hot spots of town with such a hunk and discover just how many sweet and pretty young things knew him by his first name. Not to mention which ones were able to describe that phallic shaped birthmark on his butt.

So here you are, with nothing to wear (hey, that works out rather well) and with no idea what the gorgeous, instantly-drop-panties-and-lie-down-for, new stranger in your life eats. Well, you know what you hope he eats, but we're talking sustenance here. Something much needed for the later night shenanigans. So what do you do? Throw yourself upon the mercy of the Take Home Chef, Curtis Stone? Sell your mother's first born child (second born if you were the first?) Go running down the street naked, shouting eureka, ireeka, itreekas? Have no fear. Special Agent Double D.3 has risked life, limb and a skillet roast to bring you this special report on how to cook your way into the hero's boxers. Find out how to whip (up) a tasty dish below.

Agent Double D.3 Reports :

1. Vampire heroes. Feeding your vampire hero into a sexual frenzy all revolves around how well you dress the food. A sheer silk see-through nightie does very well. Bathe the dish beforehand in a lightly perfumed bubble bath, apply a thin but generous coat of scented lotion to soften and moisten the skin. After preparation, lay the food out in a comfortable king size bed, cover with a thin silken sheet, and await the arrival of your special guest. Under no circumstances garnish the food with garlic or holy water, or place cross-like jewelry upon it as these will have a tendency to scare off your scrumpalicious dessert before you even get to the first baseball bat, uhm, base, yes baseball base. (What on earth were you thinking of girl!)

2. Werewolf heroes. Werewolf heroes are very easy to please, having said that you have to feed them first. Most werewolves like nothing more than the thrill of the hunt, chasing down prey ranging from rabbits to deer, and the very occasional sheep—provided they bought it first of course. So rather than take him home to the condo, rent a log hut in the forest, encourage him to change into something, uhm, sexier, and tell him to come back when he's had enough to eat. (Make him wash in the river first, that icky blood and stuff gets everywhere.) When he returns home you can serve dessert but be careful to wear that little French apron you bought from an old garage sale—you won't need to wear anything else. Oh, and don't wear the sheepskin rug thinking it will draw his attention, unless of course you really want to be eaten in a manner you're not accustomed to. Leave it lying in front of the fire place where you can both bask in the glow of the golden flames. You may, of course, remove that apron now…

3. Regency heroes. Have you completely lost your mind, gentlewomen don't cook! That's what those things called servants are for. But, you've extended the invitation, now what can you do? Firstly, it is recommended you have a quiet word with the chef or cook and get them to lay out a spectacular spread of roast pheasant, continental side dishes and Italian pastries. Next dismiss all the servants for the night. Wait, no, dismiss the servants for the rest of the week, your hero won't be going anywhere until you say so. Right, now dress in your skimpiest, yet modestly decorous house dress, with the right amount of lavender water drizzled in the interesting places. Ensure that sufficient breast is visible, remove any underwear, and greet the hero demurely (with a flash of a lustful gaze in your eyes) when he arrives. A generous quantity of wine, the fearful beat of your breast when you expound the horrors of sleeping in that huge bed with the house so empty, and the surreptitious slip of your gown off your shoulder will convince him to stay. Please refrain from greeting him naked at the door. This will persuade him you are more akin to the trollops in Backlick Road, than a desirable hot bride capable of running his house and home.

4. Scottish historic heroes: Find a sheep, slit its throat and watch it die. Throw up. Cut out the sheep's stomach, empty it, wash it, boil it for one and a half to two hours. Throw up. Cut out the sheep's heart, liver, lungs and any other internal organs you like and mince them together. Throw up. Lightly toast a pound of oatmeal. Thank God for not throwing up again. Stir all ingredients together, moisten and stuff into sheep's stomach. Throw up twice because you managed to avoid it the last time. Sew up open ends of sheep's stomach, prick it with a needle, put on to boil for three hours, leave for hero to find when he arrives. Throw up one last time, and retire to bed. Hero will be truly in love with you for cooking him fresh haggis. He comes to you in bed, tummy full and ready for hot sex. Throw up over hero. Note, don't do this if you wish to make a long term relationship with your sexy hunk. Go buy a processed one from a Scottish butcher instead.

5. Contemporary heroes. For a contemporary hero the presentation of the food is the most vital aspect of the meal. Go for cold finger food and have a comfortable private setting in your dining/living room. Always be naked, that is most essential, and start with the savories like quiches, wraps and oysters which should be placed around the neckline. Salads and other vegetables should make delicate circles around the breasts and down to the tummy, with small whips of salad dressing adorning the nipples and belly button. Fruit leading down to the thighs and crotch is perfect and honey or cream piled up over that delicious mound you just know he wants to lick clean works wonders. After that, of course, it will be your turn for desserts. It may sound like common sense, but don't be tempted to have hot, cooked meals, or spicy foods in your presentation—unless a week in intensive care appeals to you.

6. Fantasy heroes. Somewhat akin to Werewolf heroes the fantasy hero likes to hunt and kill his prey. The difference here is he'll bring the food home to you. Encourage him to clean, skin, and butcher the animal into nice standard plastic wrapped, recognizable, pieces of meat first. If he wants daarskin moccasins or a bobcoon hat, he can make it himself. Feed him plenty of goodies like duck roasted over an open fire, or charred in the embers. Tuber type things that look like potatoes but have a much more complicated name are useful, and have plenty of lah, flah, klah, dah or any of the hundred other coffee substitutes ready for him to drink. And whatever you do don't forget the wonderful honey cakes for desserts. Just make sure you're both tucked away in the privacy of your secret cave before you show him your buns. Don't be attempted to try grilled worms or fried locusts. Puking up on him while he samples your pies isn't conducive to good sex.

7. Futuristic/scifi. These guys either eat re-processed gunk (and no you do not want to know where it comes from,) or concentrated food in pill form. So forget about cooking anything. Just take your clothes off, stuff a pill in his mouth as he opens the door, and drag him to bed. You'll both appreciate the thought more.

8. Western heroes. Well, one thing needs to be said up front. This is a sex-scene health warning - DO NOT FEED YOUR HERO BEANS. Having the sheets blown off in mid-thrust due to an excessive rear exhalation of wind is not terribly romantic, and only mildly funny provided you have the latest in toxic gas nose filter technology. Stick to safe foods like steak, blueberry pie, coffee, potatoes, grits, cornbread. Hell, go to his mother and beg for the recipes but for your own sake and sanity—ignore those beans. Afterwards, of course, find a convenient excuse to drag him out to inspect the barn…just make sure there's a plentiful supply of fresh soft hay laid out for you both first and, Ooops! Did I really forget to wear my panties…

Agent Double D.3 report ends.

rgraham666
August 3rd, 2007, 06:34 PM
Face hurts now. Surfing elsewhere.

sjwilling
August 3rd, 2007, 07:01 PM
Taking a break from putting them up LOL. too much to do to get this little puppy ship shape.

S.J.

Dani
August 3rd, 2007, 11:32 PM
I was laughing so hard at the Scottish historic heros one. That was too funny! :biggrin:

sjwilling
August 4th, 2007, 06:57 AM
Thanks :)

I think we sometimes forget, when we write, about how, uhm, different life would be in different times and places.

I've never understood, for example, why some romance heroines would go back in time to live with the Hero. I mean, no toilets, have to catch and kill your own food, no doctors, hospitals, walmart's, cars, ....

Man I certainly wouldn't want to live in the past LOL

S.J.

Dani
August 4th, 2007, 07:53 PM
I would definately make my hero live in the here and now because I don't think I could live without plumbing!:lol:

sjwilling
August 5th, 2007, 02:21 AM
I did read one non-romance fantasy where the hero, a skilled artist, went back in time and decided to live with Irish monks. And it was extremely logical for him to do so, he had revered the Book of Kells for most of his life and by living back in that time he'd be actually working on making it.

Now that I can understand :) Guess I'm a very picky reader LOL

S.J.

rgraham666
August 5th, 2007, 10:01 AM
I wonder if the person who coined the phrase 'The Good Old Days' had the slightest idea what they were talking about. ;)

jennzilla
August 12th, 2007, 02:30 AM
If it weren't for all the hurkin, that wimpy Scottish chick would have made a great redneck girl. We really can skin a buck and run a trot line, yall. :cool2:

sjwilling
August 12th, 2007, 01:50 PM
LOL now that would be an intersting romance to write. Fiesty redneck girl and historic scottish warrior.

Neither of them wearing anything under their skirts/kilts....

:)

S.J.

dreamer61278
August 12th, 2007, 06:18 PM
[8. Western heroes. Well, one thing needs to be said up front. This is a sex-scene health warning - DO NOT FEED YOUR HERO BEANS. Having the sheets blown off in mid-thrust due to an excessive rear exhalation of wind is not terribly romantic, and only mildly funny provided you have the latest in toxic gas nose filter technology. Stick to safe foods like steak, blueberry pie, coffee, potatoes, grits, cornbread. Hell, go to his mother and beg for the recipes but for your own sake and sanity?ignore those beans. Afterwards, of course, find a convenient excuse to drag him out to inspect the barn?just make sure there's a plentiful supply of fresh soft hay laid out for you both first and, Ooops! Did I really forget to wear my panties?


:roflmao: my face hurts
________
SWEETTITIS CAM (http://camslivesexy.com/cam/sweettitis)

sjwilling
August 12th, 2007, 06:51 PM
:)

Then my work here is done.

S.J.

Karenne
August 13th, 2007, 11:07 AM
I am still laughing. I have sent out this link to several people! You are a stitch!:clown:

Brenda
August 13th, 2007, 11:12 AM
I'm one of those "several people". I'm still laughing! Where do you come up with these great tongue in cheek lines? Please don't stop even if I have to have my cheeks ironed free of laugh lines!
Brenda

sjwilling
August 13th, 2007, 11:22 AM
:euro:

Thank you! I love to write, but I really love to hear that my writing has entertained people.

Once I get this batch of promo stuff out of the way I'll have a few more to put up for you. :)

S.J.

Karenne
August 13th, 2007, 01:46 PM
Great! Because we need more of that stuff! Hilarous!:roflmao:

jennzilla
August 13th, 2007, 09:53 PM
LOL now that would be an intersting romance to write. Fiesty redneck girl and historic scottish warrior.

Neither of them wearing anything under their skirts/kilts....

:)

S.J.

:arghhhh:

We wear undies! Don't judge all redneck girls by Boobie Spears' lack o lingerie! Unlike Boobie's 'oops I did it again' mentality, most Louisiana girls know it's show us your tits, not show us your, um...bits.
:tt2:

sjwilling
August 13th, 2007, 09:58 PM
Really, uhm. *Checks schedule* Oh, it just so happens I'll be heading for Lousiana as soon as I can...

:hellobaby:

S.J.

Dani
August 13th, 2007, 10:54 PM
:roflmao: Now that you know that info you're going to see Jenna? She's got a point about that though. Brit gives every woman a bad name and not just the ones in Lousiana.

sjwilling
August 14th, 2007, 11:39 AM
yeah some men are the same.

Now you know I'm just not the type to sit on a couch all day drinking beer and watching the ball game.

Nosirree

I love the Disney channel.....

:arghhhh:

S.J.

Dani
August 14th, 2007, 09:25 PM
I realize that some aren't the same as others, but that seems to be the general consensus though.

Gee, ya know, I love the Disney Channel too! LOL :biggrin:

william
August 14th, 2007, 11:48 PM
ya know.....the disney channel is great, but i wouldn't let her choice of T.V. Channel fool you....she's like an episode of the sopranos lmao!!!! watch your back S.J....Thats how she gets her talons in ya ;) lol im just kiddin by the way Dani....*whispers* ' not really man, run for your life i'll destract her....' lol

sjwilling
August 15th, 2007, 10:48 AM
You mean I shouldn't head to louisiana to pimp my book?

Aw geesh, that's a shame. Suppose I'd better go buy some undies now :)

S.J.

Dani
August 15th, 2007, 05:31 PM
OMG! Now both of you cut that out. *thinking where is Karenne when I need her* I'm not that bad William. LOL

S.J., you can go to Lousiana if you wish to pimp your book. I'm not gonna stop you. I live in Florida anyway, so I couldn't!! LMAO!!

william
August 15th, 2007, 11:11 PM
she's anywhere and everywhere my friend.....keep that with you during your trip to Louisiana....watch your back and if you see her....don't look her in the eyes.....*THIS MESSAGE WILL SELF DESTRUCT IN 3...2..1...* OKAY!!!!!! so i lied....politicians do it all the time right? hehe

Dani
August 15th, 2007, 11:18 PM
You are so bad William. You better be lucky that I like you. :roflmao: And you know I do! :biggrin: I'm really a very sweet person S.J., honest.

william
August 15th, 2007, 11:28 PM
S.J....she is about as sweet as a leopard in a thong bikini....hahaha....don't let her fool you....she is rotten to the core ;)

Dani
August 15th, 2007, 11:36 PM
Okay, this coming from the "Drama Queen." Hahahaha! I'll let my cool demeanor show my true nature. ;)

jennzilla
August 16th, 2007, 11:12 PM
Really, uhm. *Checks schedule* Oh, it just so happens I'll be heading for Lousiana as soon as I can...

:hellobaby:

S.J.

Pffth! I don't work for beads though.

elena.gr
August 18th, 2007, 01:26 PM
ROFL!!! :):):) OMG that was extreeeeeemely funny. Especially the one about the scots and the one with the beans.:notworthy::notworthy::notworthy:

NessyPerth
August 20th, 2007, 06:52 AM
Classic.....Ha thats sooooooo funny. there should be a warning attached to this thread.
something along the lines of this.


WARNING


To enter this thread ensure you bring a spare pair of underwear, high level risk of laughing so hard you will wet your pants!
:oops:

sjwilling
August 20th, 2007, 10:47 AM
Thanks Elena! :) I aim to please, or is that please to aim....

LOL Irish wolf I'm sure you're as sweet and cute as your monika says you are. :)

When I become a rich, famous, multimovied author I'll make sure we have a CTR convention over there in Louisiana just so we can all get together and talk about beads.

:euro:

S.J.

Dani
August 20th, 2007, 07:01 PM
Nessy, I love that warning! It's so true. I fell over reading them all. The Scottish Warrior is still my favorite. (throw up..LMAO!)

Thank you S.J. I am sweet contrary to what William likes to say. We're friends, so he likes to pick on me for fun sometimes. ;)

Okay, I wanna see the CTR convention take place. LOL So you will be all that you mentioned in, hmmm, the next year? Hahaha! Just jokin ya.

sjwilling
August 20th, 2007, 11:23 PM
LOL trust me if I got a movie contract or two I'd have a convention started before you could say "Where's the hickey?"

S.J.

Dani
August 20th, 2007, 11:25 PM
And where's the hickey gonna be? :roflmao:

CharmedGirl
August 20th, 2007, 11:30 PM
Hmm. Don't go there Irishwolf :lol:

sjwilling
August 20th, 2007, 11:30 PM
*sings*

On the hunkies cheek or the hunkies chin oh wouldn't it be a sin if it was covered by...

:censored:

S.J.

NessyPerth
August 20th, 2007, 11:33 PM
oh my innocent ears. :innocent:
:nono:you'd never hear anyting like that coming from me, im so well behaved :whistling:

oh who am i trying to kid!!:roflmao:

CharmedGirl
August 20th, 2007, 11:36 PM
:lol: You aren't trying to kid no one.

I've got innocence written all over me (NOT)!

Dani
August 20th, 2007, 11:44 PM
S.J. tell us where you really want it...:roflmao:

You two aren't kidding anyone! :lol: I however, am such an :innocent: it isn't even funny (Yeah, and the only reason the halo's staying up is because of the horns)!!! You get the idea!!

NessyPerth
August 20th, 2007, 11:51 PM
why do i have such a hard time convincing people im innocent? hmpf

Now we know S.J is no innocent just read this thread, you da man
LMAO

CharmedGirl
August 20th, 2007, 11:57 PM
Left cheek or right cheek...maybe lower!

Dani
August 21st, 2007, 12:42 AM
You're as bad as me CharmedGirl! :roflmao:

NessyPerth
August 21st, 2007, 12:46 AM
you are both such bad girls. Such a bad influence on me :roflmao:

CharmedGirl
August 21st, 2007, 12:49 AM
There is nothing wrong with having a little fun :swoon:

CharmedGirl
August 22nd, 2007, 03:02 AM
you are both such bad girls. Such a bad influence on me :roflmao:

We're not trying to be a bad influence we are trying to splice things up a bit. :lol:

Dani
August 22nd, 2007, 03:07 PM
I agree CharmedGirl!! :roflmao:

dreamer61278
August 22nd, 2007, 06:34 PM
i agree also
________
Vaporizers Info (http://johan-luis.tumblr.com/)

CharmedGirl
August 22nd, 2007, 08:53 PM
That hickey could end up anywhere if you work your way from the top to the bottom of someone's body.

NessyPerth
August 22nd, 2007, 08:56 PM
We're not trying to be a bad influence we are trying to splice things up a bit. :lol:
and thank god for it:whoohoo:

CharmedGirl
August 22nd, 2007, 09:02 PM
Can't blame a girl for trying.

DavidsGirl841444
August 28th, 2007, 12:49 AM
Loved the vamp heroes , funy stuff but so true.

David Boultbee
September 4th, 2007, 11:10 PM
I was laughing so hard at the Scottish historic heros one. That was too funny! :biggrin:

Ditto! :roflmao:

sjwilling
October 29th, 2007, 09:16 PM
LOL how did these posts get so dang long :)

S.J.

Dani
October 29th, 2007, 10:39 PM
Because we end up chatting about what's been written and then take it further! :roflmao:

CharmedGirl
October 30th, 2007, 09:29 PM
LOL how did these posts get so dang long :)

S.J.

These posts are the shortest I've ever seen :lol:

sjwilling
February 2nd, 2008, 05:38 AM
These posts are the shortest I've ever seen :lol:


Oh No!

And they tell me size does matter... I've got to make it bigger.

Uhm....

How's this?

:roflmao:

S.J.

Dani
February 3rd, 2008, 11:43 PM
Laugh it Up fuzball

You're doing just fine S.J.!!!

sjwilling
February 4th, 2008, 11:20 AM
Phew, Will have to check it out with Bec when she gets back.

:biggrin:

S.J.

Dani
February 4th, 2008, 07:27 PM
She'll be back in a week or so and then you can find out. Hehehe!

sjwilling
February 5th, 2008, 01:44 AM
She'll be back in a week or so and then you can find out. Hehehe!

Unless, of course, the evil octuplets have found her. If they have we may never see her again....

:arghhhh:

S.J.

Dani
February 8th, 2008, 01:36 AM
I have a feeling that her boyfriend will protect her at all costs.

DavidsGirl841444
February 8th, 2008, 10:48 AM
I bet they will those coniving octuplets

sjwilling
February 18th, 2008, 02:30 AM
I have a feeling that her boyfriend will protect her at all costs.
Alas who will protect her boyfriend from the limp cucumber :wideeyed:

:lol:


I bet they will those coniving octuplets

Aren't they mean. Someone needs to do something about those evil octuplets. Wonder if I can get a movie contract for them or something.

:whoohoo:
S.J.

CharmedGirl
February 18th, 2008, 03:58 AM
I have a feeling that her boyfriend will protect her at all costs.

I can protect myself some of the time. LOL :turned: You just have to offer the octuplets a beer every once and a while smilies/beer1.gif

CharmedGirl
February 18th, 2008, 03:59 AM
Unless, of course, the evil octuplets have found her. If they have we may never see her again....

:arghhhh:

S.J.

I swear sometimes I never have a moment of peace and quiet because there are always too many people in my house. LOL

DavidsGirl841444
February 19th, 2008, 11:45 AM
Whoa well then shove them out for a day say get lost go busy yourselves something but just not here or you can leave and spend a day to yourself.

sjwilling
February 19th, 2008, 04:07 PM
Or tent, one of those that hangs from a tree branch. Now put one of them up and vanish for a week or two.

:walking1:

S.J.

CharmedGirl
February 19th, 2008, 06:49 PM
I've sorted those octuplets out and I'm going to get peace and quiet for at least a whole day. LOL

DavidsGirl841444
February 20th, 2008, 09:21 AM
Good for you. what did you do throw a bunch of playboy magazine in the middle of them and watced them rip each other apart to get them?

sjwilling
February 26th, 2008, 10:09 AM
I've sorted those octuplets out and I'm going to get peace and quiet for at least a whole day. LOL

Noooooooo!!! A naked jello fight! how could you?


Good for you. what did you do throw a bunch of playboy magazine in the middle of them and watced them rip each other apart to get them?

Still can't figure out what happened to the gay one and the limp cucumber.

:eek:

S.J.