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sjwilling
August 3rd, 2007, 06:08 PM
A.K.A. Things that go Hump in the night

Okay so you’ve cleaned, scrubbed and de-make-upped your face. You’ve put curlers in your hair and plucked the ungainly growth from wherever the ungainly growth grew. (Hey, you try typing that line at 3am!) The wind outside is howling, the moon is full and bright and the cold frosty bit on the stairway is getting even colder and frostier. Not to mention there is a new batch of seaweed on the balcony and the smell of fish in the bath. So, what do you do now? Do you go and investigate these interesting phenomena, or should you call Mr. Husky nice guy, just in case you need a little comfort and—comfort.

Never fear, our intrepid, never to be daunted, Agent Double D.3 has done a special guide on how to deal with unusual nighttime paractivity. So go get yourself a nice mug of dreamy hot chocolate—made with added chunks of real Godiva. Find a cosy, alright steamy—okay, okay, hot enough to take your breath away romance? Slide into your slinkiest, silky sleepwear (really I am sober, honest.) And listen to the latest gossip on the sultry side of midnight.

Agent Double D.3 reports :

1. Vampires: Detecting a vampire in the house is achieved through a variety of ways. Screaming “Bite me, Bite me,” isn’t recommended method until you know which type of vampire you have. A cautious approach to any attic, fully armed with crucifix, garlic, holy water and with a generous stake by your side is considered ideal. Of course, you may wish to wear a night dress which is particularly sleek and see-through. Just in case he’s handsome, sexy and an overall good guy. Then again, who cares about being good..?

2. Werewolves: The first thing one must do in detecting the presence of werewolves is to check the moon. Unfortunately, most modern werewolves can now change at anytime of the month but it’s always good to know the moon is still there. The first and most obvious sign that a werewolf is on your property is the sudden depletion in your supplies of Kibbles and Bits. You don’t have Kibbles and Bits? Then try leaving a half a lamb or a string of rabbit carcasses by the porchway. The next half-naked hunk with torn jeans who hammers on your door in the wee hours, demanding to know why you’re attempting to poison him with raw meat, is your man, uhm, wolf. On discovering his identity you must immediately offer to run a shower for him. Note: It is considered terribly bad form to do this while taking a shower at the same time. But then, good form was never terribly much fun.

3. Ghosts: Ghosts are a particularly hard paractivity to notice. Being hard though is kind of what makes it fun. It is possible to detect these paramours through expensive and complicated electronic devices. This is not recommended. At worse you look like an idiot when you find you can’t operate the stuff, at best you look like a weedy college professor that no decent ghost would be seen floating around with. The best method is to take off your clothes and lie on the bed naked. Everyone knows that ghosts just love to look at people in bed, not to mention with this method you’re already half-way prepared for when he arrives.

4. Invisible men: Invisible men are tough bodies to crack, most of them being on the verge of half-crazy. Hey, if you couldn’t see it to aim when you needed to pee, you’d be waltzing up to the nut house too. Catching these types of paractivity requires cunning, stealth, a good ear, edible spray adhesive and several bags of your favorite chocolate ground into a fine powder. Since most invisible men are natural voyeurs find a nice private part of the garden that is well lit by moonlight. As soon as you hear footsteps and see feet depressions in the grass, spray liberally with the adhesive and toss the bags of chocolate powder. Once he’s fully, chocolately, visible and stopped sneezing, feel free to offer to clean the chocolate off him.

5. Mermen: No, no, no, don’t go walking around with a spray bottle of water and soaking all the men you meet hoping to find a merman. While this may have the added pleasure of a surprise male wet t-shirt contest, it will also give a lot of ineligible men the wrong idea. Not to mention if you find the object of your desire he’d be turned into a fish. And really, think about it. WHAT GOOD IS HE WHEN HE’S A FISH? Do I need to repeat myself? No? Good. The use of subtlety is paramount when hunting down anyone of a mer nature. Look for tell-tale signs, most notably the abject fear of getting wet. Observe how long it takes for your suspect to take a shower? Are there loud slapping noises on the floor after he has taken one? Is there an odd sea-like odor and strings of dried sea weed hanging around his balcony? If there are, then congratulations you have caught you a fish, uh, merman. Just make sure, the next time he heads to the beach, you get ahead of him and do some impromptu skinny dipping. The sun, sand and a battery powered blow drier will work wonders from there.

Agent Double D.3 report ends.

rgraham666
August 3rd, 2007, 06:30 PM
You're having just waaaay too much fun, you know? :lol:

sjwilling
August 3rd, 2007, 07:03 PM
:unsure:

Agent Double D3 must be my alternate personality --- Honest!!

S.J.

Dani
September 10th, 2007, 12:58 AM
:roflmao: My sides aren't going to stop hurting for a while now! I think I may have pulled some muscles laughing so hard.

sjwilling
October 29th, 2007, 09:11 PM
Sends over a personal masseuse to make you feel better.

:)

S.J.

Dani
October 29th, 2007, 10:43 PM
Ooooh, thank you very much!! I'll put him to good use! :lol:

CharmedGirl
October 30th, 2007, 09:13 PM
Hmmm personal masseuse does he give a lot of pleasure? LOL

Dani
October 31st, 2007, 06:34 PM
I'll let you know when he's finished...Whenever that is. :roflmao:

CharmedGirl
November 7th, 2007, 06:29 AM
Hmmm but Dani I only want to know if he's good, if he is absolute terrible I don't want to know about it. LOL

Dani
November 8th, 2007, 12:11 AM
Okay, but it's going to take a long while...I have a lot of muscles for him to relax! :roflmao:

CharmedGirl
November 8th, 2007, 04:10 AM
Ummm take all the time...I'm sure the masseuse would be very good at making sure those muscles are relaxed. LOL

sjwilling
February 2nd, 2008, 05:34 AM
Ummm take all the time...I'm sure the masseuse would be very good at making sure those muscles are relaxed. LOL

*Sends over the evil octuplets armed with Chocolate Dildos*

Hey Bec, I've got some personal Masseuse here who'd like to talk to you about George....

:biggrin:

S.J.

Dani
February 3rd, 2008, 11:46 PM
You know, this is the second time in 2 days that I've heard of chocolate dildos.Laugh it Up fuzball

What's the deal?

sjwilling
February 4th, 2008, 12:16 AM
Hmm, I reckon fate must be telling you something

:whoohoo:

S.J.

Dani
February 4th, 2008, 12:44 AM
Uh oh! I think I'm in trouble then.

sjwilling
February 4th, 2008, 12:50 AM
Uhm I dunno, would be kinda hard to get pregnant..

:swoon:

S.J.

Dani
February 4th, 2008, 12:51 AM
Well I certainly don't need that happening.

sjwilling
February 4th, 2008, 11:34 AM
Thank goodness they don't have a Jelly one, wouldn't want to have another batch of jellybabies.

:roflmao:

S.J.

Dani
February 4th, 2008, 07:18 PM
Jelly babies?

I'm not sure I want to know about that.

sjwilling
February 5th, 2008, 01:40 AM
Come on, you know you're quivering in anticipation to know.

:eek:

S.J.

Dani
February 8th, 2008, 01:40 AM
You think?

I think could be quivering because I'm cold again.

sjwilling
February 18th, 2008, 02:31 AM
Either that or you've been watching the tv adverts and eating jello

:roflmao:

S.J.

CharmedGirl
February 18th, 2008, 03:05 AM
Either that or you've been watching the tv adverts and eating jello

:roflmao:

S.J.

Definitely eating jello and watching boring tv adverts. There is nothing worse than boring tv adverts. LOL

sjwilling
February 18th, 2008, 03:11 AM
haven't they gotten weird lately :lol:

I long for the good old days where throwing popcorn at the TV ads was because they were so corny, not because they looked like virtual escapees from the x-files.

:eek:

S.j.

CharmedGirl
February 18th, 2008, 03:15 AM
haven't they gotten weird lately :lol:

I long for the good old days where throwing popcorn at the TV ads was because they were so corny, not because they looked like virtual escapees from the x-files.

:eek:

S.j.

Hmmm...there is a new X-Files movie out this year maybe that is why everything has been so weird. LOL

sjwilling
February 18th, 2008, 03:16 AM
They made an orthodontist version of it.

I beleive it was called "The Tooth is out there!"

S.J.

CharmedGirl
February 18th, 2008, 03:38 AM
They made an orthodontist version of it.

I beleive it was called "The Tooth is out there!"

S.J.

That's a very scary thought. I'll make sure to avoid watching that one. LOL

Dani
February 19th, 2008, 01:05 AM
Either that or you've been watching the tv adverts and eating jello

:roflmao:

S.J.
Nope... I actaully hate the jello ads, so it wasn't them.

sjwilling
February 19th, 2008, 07:39 AM
Haven't the ads got so weird nowadays.

I feel so embarrassed for the peptobismal folks. I'd die before doing that ad :krank01:

S.J.

Dani
February 19th, 2008, 03:14 PM
Some of them have gotten so stupid these days.

sjwilling
February 19th, 2008, 08:40 PM
I find the geico ads funny though, the ones where they bring in the professional actor to represent the ordinary person. LOL

S.J.

Dani
February 19th, 2008, 08:48 PM
Yeah, those are pretty good.

I like the lizards that are dancing to the song Thriller. Now that's a riot, but if I see it too much I'll start not hating it.

sjwilling
February 19th, 2008, 09:26 PM
I still think one of my all time favorites was the superbowl one back a few years ago.

The Running with the squirrels ad.

"I have lost many friends to the squirrels...."

:roflmao:

S.J.