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sjwilling
August 3rd, 2007, 06:17 PM
A.K.A. Is Masturbation Handy in a Sex Scene?

So, this is the big night. You’ve got an extra large box of super-sized condoms. A big bottle of Sta-hard, and sprayed yourself liberally with the contents of at least five antiperspirant aerosols. You’ve taken your vitamins, eaten your carrots, and flossed your teeth. But you’re wondering, do you have what it takes? Can you keep the action going after the heroine’s fifteenth orgasm? Are you a hero or wimp?

Well, never fear, Agent Double D.3 has compiled a special report that will enable you, hero of your time, to bring hours of delight to the delicate maiden in your arms. Should you go Hands de Solo or Chewdebacca to extend the heroine’s pleasure? Well here, in one handy report, is the definitive hero’s guide to masturbation in a sex scene, or how to keep it up when going down…

Agent Double D.3 reports

1. Vampire heroes. In this respect Vampire heroes have it easy. Indefatigable and tireless as a vampire hero, you should be able to keep the hot action going from sun down to sun up. Whether it’s upside down or just plain vertical. Nibble every now and then for a little refreshment. If you are struck by a really dire need to rest just remember, you’re just a vampire. No one will blame you. We certainly won’t be calling you a weedy, limp-d*ck wimp, honest—well, at least not within biting distance. If this does happen to you, call upon the resources of your local CVS and your friendly vampire killer. Turn the beauteous maid on her front, face buried in the softest down pillow and then the expert application of a lubricated stake, and a couple of discretely placed fingers and she’ll never know the difference. Under no circumstances attempt this with another vampire—the stakes will go too high.

2. Werewolf heroes. Werewolves are well known for their ravenous appetites, and quick change routines but all too often this excitement can change as rapidly as it started. Werewolf heroes, therefore, must be particularly skilled in the art of heroic masturbation. Please, be considerate. The use of a half eaten human femur will not endear you to her graces. Though the thoughtfulness of a solid silver dildo will have her singing of your bravery—and your lost fingertips—forever. Never, ever use the gel style lubrication. Stick to the sleeker and more refined oils. Unless, of course, you really want to look like grandpa’s toupee after it’s fallen into a bowl of jello.

3. Regency heroes. Masturbation is unsanitary, unseemly and according to the preachers, sinful. So as a Regency hero you must never masturbate your delectable date, no matter how exhausted you get. Now, of course, you’re perfectly in your right to tease her with your fingers to keep her under your lustful spell, and should she orgasm, well, that’s completely different. Unfortunately modern day lubrication isn’t available to you so a short trip to the dairy farm is advisable first. Buttering up your bride to be will always be appreciated. Do try to avoid this practice during picnics and other out-of-door dalliances. Regency ants love butter too, and she still has that horse to ride.

4. Scottish historic heroes. Yes, we all know that it simply takes a glance up your kilt to keep the young ladies hot and bothered. Unfortunately after a dozen or so orgasms the young lady in question won’t be able to open her eyes, let alone gaze upon your kilted splendor. When you’ve done a wee too much rolling in the heather and need a short break, try a little titillation with your sporran to keep her happy, at least until you get your sixteenth wind. Beware the temptation of using your dirk or your claymore. One is too small and the other too large. Both are incomparable to your kilted self and you’ll probably be pummeled into haggis.

5. Contemporary heroes. Contemporary heroes definitely need to keep abreast of masturbatory techniques. Nothing compares, romantically, to gazing deep into someone’s eyes at the point of climax. So, by all means use this technique as an appetizer before, during, and after sex. Experiment too, with the use of different oils and lubrications. Have fun, feel free, get crude. (the sex, man, the sex, not the oil!) Under no circumstances allow yourself to become too blasé with the lubricating gel. Sculpting her pubic hair into the exact replica of Mount Kilimanjaro will likely result in physical harm to your delicate, uhm, personality.

6. Fantasy heroes. Being a fantasy hero you should be naturally hardy, and well, hardy. The masturbation option for you is really a last choice—a when you can’t do anything else technique. Preferably you should do it in the dark, with her blindfolded while you’re wearing a fur glove, to give the heroine exotic images of a more personal act. Of course the exception to the rule is when you are interrupted mid-sex. Here is it totally acceptable to masturbate the heroine with one hand, while fending off the bad guys with the other. Note: Make sure you use the axe on the bad guy, it really shouldn’t be used as a standby dildo—she’s likely to give you the chop.

7. Futuristic/SF. Who needs masturbation when we have electronics. So, when you’re weak and wimpy, and just can’t bring her to her twentieth orgasm, have no fear. Turn to your latest buzzy friend and introduce it to your beloved heroine with tender care and trepidation. Remember the more prongs, knobs and bobbles it has the better it is. Always make sure you hide the little fellow before she regains consciousness. Unless you want it to go home with her—instead of you.

8. Western heroes. There is a reason God gave you siesta’s and a hat. So when, after the umpteenth climax, you feel you’re just firing blanks, take some time out. Put your hat over your lover’s eyes and then you can do wonders with some famed snake oil and a little snake, uhm, fingers. Warning—don’t get too lax in the pistol department. These tough lasses are top notch in the gunswinging world and can do some hard riding themselves.

9. Viking hero. Come on guys, use your imagination. We don’t give you those horny helmets for nothing, you know…

Agent Double D.3 report ends.

Dani
September 10th, 2007, 01:02 AM
OMG!! Where do you come up with this stuff SJ? I'm still :roflmao: !!! It's getting hard to catch my breath now.

rgraham666
September 10th, 2007, 02:09 PM
Snerk. :lol:

In my vampire's world they have to use masturbation, cunnilingus and fellatio to get their lovers and/or victims off. The male vampires can't get erect, the women can't show any signs of arousal. Nipples don't get erect, no lubrication.

Their bodies are dead after all. They can't laugh or cry either.

Feeding is their orgasmic act. Their prey like it a lot too. ;)

sjwilling
September 29th, 2007, 07:26 PM
My poor vampire, Valencius is still a virgin :( He has trouble with this biting stuff since he has a tendency to faint at the sight of blood.

:)

S.J.

CharmedGirl
September 29th, 2007, 08:03 PM
Poor vampire alright. Obviously what he needs is some good blood to break him in :lol:

sjwilling
September 29th, 2007, 09:35 PM
poor guy was embalmed before he turned... All he can drink is embalming fluid.

He does have another problem though. Instead of drinking blood, he "feeds" through kissing. Unfortunately for the rather shy virgin, his kisses tend to give the girls an orgasm... So now he has three women chasing him very hard.

:arghhhh:

His life as undead is a torture of embarrassment.

:lol:

S.J.

Dani
September 29th, 2007, 10:17 PM
Poor vamp. A virgin and can't drink blood...You really like to torture you characters don't you?

sjwilling
September 29th, 2007, 10:24 PM
Hehe

I think he makes a nice, soft and complex hero. And he's got two weeks to solve a murder or his vamp boss will kill him.

So, poor little Valencius (actually his name is Ronald Brown, but he didn't think it was mysterious enough to use as a vampire :) )

Once I get Dante I finished I'll post a little Val in the excerpts folder. He is one of my favorites at the moment.

S.J.

Dani
September 29th, 2007, 10:31 PM
That's still cruel and unusual punishment for a vamp not to have blood and most definately to be a virgin.

sjwilling
September 29th, 2007, 10:42 PM
Well, hey, he has a killer (literally) kiss.

:winkiss:

S.J.

Dani
September 29th, 2007, 10:44 PM
I guess that helps. :lol:

CharmedGirl
September 29th, 2007, 11:19 PM
Well, hey, he has a killer (literally) kiss.

:winkiss:

S.J.

Wouldn't want to get up close and personal with the pesky vampire then he might suck face literally and not just kiss :lol:

sjwilling
September 30th, 2007, 12:12 AM
Coffee & Reading

Put a short excerpt up for you guys to give you a taster.

S.J.

Dani
September 30th, 2007, 12:59 AM
Cool, I'll have to check it out! Cheerleader

CharmedGirl
September 30th, 2007, 04:11 AM
:whoohoo: I checked out the teaser it's awesome :notworthy:

Dani
October 1st, 2007, 01:19 AM
I loved the excerpt S.J.!! It's going to be so great to be able to read the whole book. :whoohoo:

CharmedGirl
October 1st, 2007, 01:41 AM
:yes: The whole book is going to be excellent to read :notworthy:

sjwilling
October 2nd, 2007, 02:50 PM
Thanks Guys,

Only got another 20k to finish (its a 100k book) so i really need to get on and write. LOL been promoing so much these last two months my writing quota has been a little deprived. I nearly said depraved but isn't that taken for granted?)

:swoon:

S.J.

Dani
October 2nd, 2007, 10:14 PM
Depraved means:

–verb (used with object), -praved, -prav·ing. <TABLE class=luna-Ent><TBODY><TR><TD class=dn vAlign=top>1.</TD><TD vAlign=top>to make morally bad or evil; vitiate; corrupt. </TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE><TABLE class=luna-Ent><TBODY><TR><TD class=dn vAlign=top>2.</TD><TD vAlign=top>Obsolete. to defame. </TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
–adjective <TABLE class=luna-Ent><TBODY><TR><TD vAlign=top>corrupt, wicked, or perverted. </TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
So, that wouldn't have worked...Unless your work is wicked, perverted or corrupted. Hmmmm, no, not your work, it wouldn't be like that. :nah: :roflmao:

sjwilling
October 2nd, 2007, 10:18 PM
It just sorta... happens when I'm around.

:ph34r:

S.J.

Dani
October 2nd, 2007, 10:21 PM
It just happens huh?:roflmao:

sjwilling
October 2nd, 2007, 10:28 PM
It's my aura of innocence, just brings out the evil in peeps.

:)

S.J.

Dani
October 2nd, 2007, 10:46 PM
*laughing hysterically* Uh huh, sure it is!

sjwilling
October 2nd, 2007, 10:57 PM
Either that or my evil twin :lol:

S.J.

CharmedGirl
October 2nd, 2007, 11:29 PM
The blame on the evil twin works everytime :lol:

sjwilling
October 29th, 2007, 09:09 PM
I just hope my evil octuplets don't make it to the conventions with me

:swoon:

Can you imagine the damage to my reputation...

:)

S.J.

Dani
October 29th, 2007, 10:57 PM
Oh lordy, you'd be drawn and quartered if they went. :lol:

sjwilling
October 29th, 2007, 11:01 PM
And they'd probably enjoy the experience for me too.

:(
S.J.

CharmedGirl
October 30th, 2007, 09:08 PM
They probably would share their enjoyment when they got back to CTR as well. LOL

sjwilling
February 2nd, 2008, 05:42 AM
Well the evil Octuplets are on a mission, so beware guys I never know where they'll strike next.

Mwahahahahaha

S.J.