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sjwilling
August 14th, 2007, 11:52 AM
A.K.A. Fashionable Sex Positions for the Heroically Inclined.

You’ve taken on a world or two. Beaten the stuffing out of the bad guys and now you make your final approach to the object of all this effort—the heroine. But wait, did you shower, floss your teeth, scratch your crotch before all of this and most importantly have you checked your Karma Sutra? Today’s erotic heroes are expected not just to save the world, but also be informed on the latest in the sex scene, scene.

So whether you’re a straight missionary guy, a do it wherever it’s handy guy or even a hanging from the ceiling guy, never fear. Agent Double D.3 has produced this handy guide to help you decide what sex positions are best used for the hero type you are. Pour on the pheromone, brush up your hair, and spring clean the condoms. Follow these guidelines and you too can be the one that always makes the heroine come forth, (or even first).

Agent Double D.3 Reports :

1. Vampire heroes. Recommended Positions : Most frontal positions work well for the vampire male. Most especially for the easy access this gives to the rather tempting neck line of the delicious heroine. Most noticeably the best position is sitting on a chair and having the delightful lady straddle you. This enables easy access to those wonderful breasts and it’s a matter of a moment to bite into that silky neck.
Not Recommended Positions : Hanging by your heels from the ceiling has a tendency to make your rather bemused heroine feel rather sick and faint. Also avoid rear entry, the temptation to bite is often overwhelming and the poor woman will be unable to sit comfortably for weeks.

2. Werewolf heroes. Recommended Positions : Ah, the ménage. What better way to build pack relationships than to share the young lady with as many of you as she can handle? The famed sandwich and triple penetration positions will leave her quite breathless over your consideration for her extended pleasure.
Not Recommended Positions : Probably best to avoid any one-on-one doggie style or rear entry sex. After all, you may be an animal but you really don’t want her to think so. Unless, of course, you have a penchant to being called Fido.

3. Regency heroes. Recommended Positions : Enter the rugged, no nonsense regency hero. The best position for you and your lover is the rear entry, preferable out in the countryside as she leans against that ancient oak that the entire village has coitus under. Or while standing and holding onto the posters on the end of the four poster bed. Definitely standing since every gentlewoman knows that sex while standing will prevent you getting pregnant.
Not Recommended Positions : Everyone knows someone who’s a missionary, and really it’s so common it’s just boring, right?

4. Scottish historic heroes: Recommended Positions : Any position with the man on top. Everyone knows that women fall big time for the gorgeous totally-in-command Laird of the manor and any Laird must also be in charge of his lady’s sex life. Consider tying her to the bed, table, car, ground… or whatever is available at the time. Rest assured she will swoon with overwhelming lust at your dominant and manly behavior.
Not Recommended Positions : Oral sex. Good God man, you’ve been wandering around all day with a kilt and no underwear on. Neither of you have any idea of where it’s been, so avoid this position wherever humanely possible.

5. Contemporary heroes. Recommended Positions : Virtually, and preferably all and every type of sex you can imagine. Especially sex in near public places such as offices, cars, hotel foyers, parks. If you can bring along a video camera and tape it too, that will make your heroine really hot and bothered.
Not Recommended Positions : On the beach—that sand gets everywhere. On the gravel—have you ever had stones in your panties and bra? On the stairs—unless it has three mattresses and eggshell foam to protect the heroine’s back.

6. Fantasy heroes. Recommended Positions : Ménage â trois. With two men looking after every aspect of the heroine’s pleasure. After all, this is a fantasy you know. Most especially, ensure the lucky lady orgasms at least once a minute, take in turns, rest in-between, but maintain that constant mind blowing experience that will keep the unsuspecting recipient of your charms from realizing this is a fantasy and is definitely over when you reach the end of the chapter—for a page or two at least.
Not Recommended Positions : Woman on top. I mean, really guys, which kind of fantasy makes the heroine do all the work, geesh!

7. Futuristic/scifi. Recommended Positions : TOYS! Big toys, little toys, red toys, black toys, toys which think for themselves and adapt their behavior depending on the heroines biometrically determined needs. Blow the heroine’s mind (sometimes literally) with these nifty, nifty high tech gadgets and she’ll be living in a virtual heaven all year.
Not Recommended Positions : With all those fancy gadgets that she has no idea what they do, you think she’s going to trust you with them when she can’t see what you’re up to? Think again big boy, two toys in the hand are only worth one in the tush.

8. Western heroes. Recommended Positions : Let her be the cowgirl, riding on top and holding the reins on these wonderful sexy romps. If she can see you neigh with her expert riding style she’ll be saddling up and riding astride and on top for many years to come, (or is that many comes each year?)
Not Recommended Positions : Being on top and straddling the Heroine is not a good idea, especially if you forgot to take off your spurs.

Agent Double D.3 Report complete.

Cya on the Interwaves

NessyPerth
August 21st, 2007, 08:03 AM
:roflmao: going to bed laughing. waking up laughing. Man you just keep them coming. (no pun intended) LOL

CharmedGirl
August 21st, 2007, 05:58 PM
:roflmao: They are just too funny. I just about had tears coming out of my eyes I was laughing that much.

NessyPerth
August 27th, 2007, 05:10 AM
Check out the line on 'not recommended positions for scottish warriors' OMG so extremely funny!

Dani
September 5th, 2007, 12:10 AM
SJ, these are so great. I was laughing so hard that I was almost hyperventilating. :roflmao:

My favorite ones have to be the Scottish historic heros and Western heros. :cowboy:

CharmedGirl
September 5th, 2007, 12:38 AM
Vampire heroes and Fantasy heroes were my favourite :lol:

jennzilla
September 6th, 2007, 11:24 PM
I'm lazy so I liked all of them where the men do all the dang work. :lol:

sjwilling
February 2nd, 2008, 05:53 AM
Hehe, well isn't that what women's romance is all about...?

Make the men do all the work while the women supervise. :whistling:

S.J.