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Dani
August 18th, 2007, 01:24 AM
Funny #1: Morning Sex

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walked
in. She turned and said, 'You've got to make love to me this very
moment.'

His eyes lit up and he thought, 'This is my lucky day.' Not wanting to
lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all, right there
on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove. More than a
little puzzled, he asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Funny #2: Oh yes she did!

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said
to her,

"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependant on some
machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the
plug".

She got up and unplugged the TV and threw out my beer.

She's such a bitch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Funny #3: Blond Cowboy

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a
blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy
hat, gun, and his boots so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed
like this?

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff I was in the bar down
the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her
motor home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top
and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her
skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...
so I did. Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and
says, "Now go to town, cowboy... ".

And here I am.

NessyPerth
August 18th, 2007, 01:34 AM
LMFAO.. they are great dani

Dani
August 18th, 2007, 01:35 AM
Glad you like them! :lol:

NessyPerth
August 18th, 2007, 01:39 AM
ok a blonde and a brunette are working away in an office together.
In comes a flower delivery guy with a big bunch of flowers for the brunett.
The brunette says "damn my boyfriends buying me flowers again"
The blonde says "what you dont like getting flowers?"
The brunette says "yeah i love getting flowers, i just dont like the expectations that come with them, you know the next three days i will be lying on my back with my legs in the air"
The blonde says "damn why dont you just buy a vase?"

Dani
August 18th, 2007, 01:43 AM
Hahahahaha...That's a great one!

NessyPerth
August 18th, 2007, 02:09 AM
this is a text message that was going around here around new years.

"Every year the fairy of joy visits earth, and whoever she hits with her magic wand receives happiness and good sex................may she beat the living shit out of you in 2007"


I thought that was just great. Worth taking a beating for LMAO

Dani
August 18th, 2007, 02:12 AM
I sure would take the beating for that! :whoohoo: :hellobaby:

NessyPerth
August 18th, 2007, 02:21 AM
ok thats about as clean as my jokes get. Any of my others may be offensive to some people

Ebony
August 18th, 2007, 08:58 AM
Ok one from me



A young couple was in their honeymoon suite
on their wedding night. As they undressed for bed,
the husband, who was a big burly bruiser, tossed his
pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size
of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said.

"That's right and don't forget it," said the husband.
"I'm the man in this family."

With that, she flipped him her panties and said,
"Try these on." He tried them on and found he could
only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties."

She said, "That's right, and that's the way it's
going to be until your f**king attitude changes!"

I like her rofl

rgraham666
August 18th, 2007, 09:07 AM
:lol:

Great way to start the day.

DavidsGirl841444
August 19th, 2007, 12:37 PM
I love the honey moon one so true in all this. I love your jokes guys it was funny, rolling on the floor.

NessyPerth
August 20th, 2007, 04:13 AM
you never told me that one before eb. Woohoo a new one to add to my repertoire :p

Ebony
August 20th, 2007, 04:15 AM
lol got it in a email about 2 months ago - i so gotta go through all of them and post em up here (after editing some of the them rofl).

NessyPerth
August 20th, 2007, 04:22 AM
i know what you mean about editing. Most of mine i had better keep to myself just incase. I dont wanta piss any1 off:nono:

NessyPerth
August 20th, 2007, 06:08 AM
oooo this one might be alright. But any1 who may be offended by a religious jokes DONT READ THIS

Q. What did jesus say to the 12 apostles as he was being nailed to the cross?.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A. Dont touch my f***ing easter eggs you pricks, I'll be back on Sunday


hehehhe :innocent:

DavidsGirl841444
August 20th, 2007, 09:46 AM
I like that one, not offended. Its just a joke.

christinac
August 20th, 2007, 01:18 PM
Those were great. Give me a sex and I'll have one posted. :lol:

christinac
August 20th, 2007, 01:20 PM
Subject: blonde waitress

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear
stupid, went to the Kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there
just ordered three flat Tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running
boards. What does he think This place is ... An auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three
pancakes, a pair of Headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running
boards are 2 slices of Crisp bacon."
Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a
moment and then Spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the
customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the
flat tires, Headlights And running boards, you might as well gas up!"
FOR ONCE THE BLOND GETS EVEN! Good for you Blondie It's About time


What do you think about this one?
I laughed so hard!!!

Dani
August 20th, 2007, 05:39 PM
Those were great. Give me a sex and I'll have one posted. :lol:
Okay Christina...What sex would you like? :roflmao: BTW, that was a great joke girlie. I couldn't stop laughing.

Nessy, I love that joke. I'm not sure that I can send it to my mom though, being that we're Catholic, she might not appreciate it like I do. :lol:

NessyPerth
August 20th, 2007, 08:52 PM
thats why i gave the warning :o)
Christina that joke was EXCELLENT!!! :roflmao:

CharmedGirl
August 20th, 2007, 09:02 PM
That joke was great Christinac.

NessyPerth
August 20th, 2007, 09:53 PM
Ok this one is rude so be WARNED


A bloke goes to the doctor because he is having problems with premature ejaculation. The doctor tells him:
"when you feel yourself coming give yourself a fright by firing a starter pistol into the air to prolong the sex"
Two days later the doctor sees him again and asks how it went. The bloke says:
"not good. I did a 69er then felt myself start to come, so i fired the pistol. My wife sh*t on my face, bit off my c*ck and the milkman came out of the wardrobe with his hands up!"


:arghhhh:im so naughty

CharmedGirl
August 21st, 2007, 12:55 AM
Q: What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?

A: A fine piece of a** that brings a tear to your eye.

CharmedGirl
August 21st, 2007, 12:56 AM
That joke definitely needs a warning NessyPerth.

Dani
August 21st, 2007, 12:59 AM
:roflmao: I think I might have just woken up everyone in the house laughing so hard! That was great Nessy.

CharmedGirl
August 21st, 2007, 01:03 AM
It was a great joke. I was laughing big time.

DavidsGirl841444
August 21st, 2007, 10:20 AM
I love the doctor one that was funny. Thanks guys for a laugh.

Dani
August 21st, 2007, 12:23 PM
I sent that one to a few of my friends that would enjoy it. LMAO!!!:biggrin:

christinac
August 21st, 2007, 02:55 PM
That one was good Nessy! I'm still laughing!!:lol:

christinac
August 21st, 2007, 02:56 PM
Q: What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?

A: A fine piece of a** that brings a tear to your eye.

I've heard that one before CharmedGirl that was is pretty funny!

DavidsGirl841444
August 21st, 2007, 03:46 PM
Yeah but would never do that a**, ewwww. Wven though they are pretty well endowed. Oh god need Kade.

christinac
August 22nd, 2007, 07:33 AM
The first time I heard that joke was on the new Dukes of Hazard movie with Willie Nelson in it. He was the one telling the joke. I cracked up laughing.

Dani
August 22nd, 2007, 02:58 PM
Yeah but would never do that a**, ewwww. Wven though they are pretty well endowed. Oh god need Kade.

You really need Kade? :lol:

Dani
August 22nd, 2007, 04:12 PM
A salesman checked into a futuristic hotel. Realizing he needed a Haircut before the next day's meeting, he called the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which showed the best haircut of his life.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, $20.00.' <O:p
"Why not?" thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured. <O:p

The next machine had a sign that read, 'This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.'

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender unit...

...which now had a button sewn on the end.

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 22nd, 2007, 04:44 PM
That was great. :clap:

My husband is away right now. Maybe I should have sewed a button on him before he went.;) LOL

Of course I would love to have a machine to do the manicure and one for a pedicure, for me of course. It's not the same experience doing those for yourself.

Thanks for the laugh!

NessyPerth
August 22nd, 2007, 09:03 PM
LMAO Dani that was a good one. keep them coming everyone:whoohoo:

CharmedGirl
August 22nd, 2007, 09:39 PM
I've heard that one before CharmedGirl that was is pretty funny!

I got it off Dukes of Hazzard the movie with Sean William Scott and Johnny Knoxville.:lol:

Dani
August 22nd, 2007, 11:12 PM
I have never watched that movie. Never really wanted to since I grew up watching the original show. LOL You can't beat the best. :roflmao:

CharmedGirl
August 22nd, 2007, 11:47 PM
I never watched the Dukes of Hazzard show. The first time I ever saw something about it was the movie.

That was a great joke Irishwolf

Dani
August 22nd, 2007, 11:51 PM
Thanks CharmedGirl. It was sent to me by a friend and I almost fell over laughing, so I figured I'd share the fun! :roflmao:

CharmedGirl
August 22nd, 2007, 11:53 PM
Maybe we should start a section called pick up lines and we can post pick up lines which have been used on you or pickup lines that you've used on someone. It would be a barrel of laughs on top of the jokes.

Dani
August 22nd, 2007, 11:58 PM
Sounds cool, but I haven't heard any in a LONG time...LMAO!!!

CharmedGirl
August 23rd, 2007, 12:04 AM
Bummer...my brother's girlfriend sent me some through hotmail. I should put them up but some of them are a bit crude.

NessyPerth
August 23rd, 2007, 09:48 AM
thats alright CharmedGirl we are all crude here LMAO just put a quick warning beforehand. Something like this Warning! If you have delicate sensibilities DO NOT READ THE FOLLOWING! lol. but then again i'm not the one that will bust ya so what do i know :oops:

Dani
August 23rd, 2007, 03:52 PM
Just remember to censor some of what you say. We don't want a lot of cursing going on. :biggrin:

Skater
August 23rd, 2007, 08:33 PM
A beautiful woman appears at an old man's door durring a storm she asks if she can stay the night, he agrees but only on one condition. He asks her to sleep with his 30 yr old virgin son, being a hooker she agrees. That night she walks into the son's room while he's in the shower, she strips off all her clothes and climbs onto bed. A second later the son comes out and just stares at her in amazement.
"Do you know what i want?" she asks in a sexy voice. truly mistified he shakes his head. The woman spreads her legs out and again asks him. "Now do you know what i want?" and again he shakes his head in wonder.
This time she spreads her legs so wide that it covers the whole bed, "NOW do you know what i want?" this time a light comes to his eyes and he nods, "You want to take up the whole damn bed thats what you want!" he yells in anger.

This is a great thread!

NessyPerth
August 23rd, 2007, 08:37 PM
:roflmao: no wonder the guys a virgin!

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 23rd, 2007, 08:53 PM
LOL That was a good one. She should have slapped him upside his dumb head after the second head shake. Maybe he was rattling everything around in there by shaking it so much.

:clap:

NessyPerth
August 23rd, 2007, 09:17 PM
I heard a saying once that riley should have said to Talon, it went like this:

'In day of old, when knights were bold, and condoms were not invented. They tied a sock, around their c##k and people like you were prevented'

Hehehe

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 23rd, 2007, 10:09 PM
LOL. You don't mind if I use that one do you? I know some people that would apply to. Of course I'm an :angel: and would never say it........to someone who didn't deserve it. LOL

NessyPerth
August 23rd, 2007, 10:35 PM
of course go for it. I dont know where it came from i just heard it once and i thought it was soo funny. LOL

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 23rd, 2007, 10:37 PM
Hey Nessy a few more post for you and you'll be with the people partying at the end of the month. :clap:

*Sarah*
August 23rd, 2007, 11:35 PM
WARNING! MAY BE A LITTLE CRUDE

A man was going out of town on a business trip and he wanted to get his wife something to keep her occupied. So he went to a sex store to pick out a dildo. The owner recomended one that he called "the voodoo dildo" . He claimed the dildo would f*** anything you told it to. The man was skeptical but asked for a demonstration. The owner said " Voodoo dildo, the lock on the door." And sure sure enough the dildo starting goin to town on the lock hole. The man bought it and took it home to surprise his wife. Little did he know, that he wife was cheating. He gave her the dildo and left for his trip. Later she was trying out the dildo, when her lover walked in. When she tried to explain that it was voodoo dildo he simply exclaimed : " Voodoo MY ass!!!"

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 23rd, 2007, 11:39 PM
LOL That was funny. I'm still laughing.

*Sarah*
August 23rd, 2007, 11:47 PM
thank you... my husband told me that one

NessyPerth
August 24th, 2007, 02:06 AM
:roflmao: roflmao: roflmao: oh now that one was great sarah. My sides are aching

NessyPerth
August 24th, 2007, 02:10 AM
Hey Nessy a few more post for you and you'll be with the people partying at the end of the month. :clap:
woohoo it could happen. But i'm planning on partying with everyone else anyway, but if i do make it to 500 then i guess thats just one more round of drinks we all have to have :whoohoo:LMAO.

NessyPerth
August 24th, 2007, 03:27 AM
ok so i know we all love those blonde jokes ;)

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?


A. RUN, she has the grenade in her mouth.

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 24th, 2007, 09:23 AM
LOL!!!!! That was great. I haven't heard that one. All these good jokes are going to make me have to remember some that I've heard. You've gotta share the laughter!:yes:

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 24th, 2007, 02:45 PM
Here's one for you all.

There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet.

So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with four feet, jumps four feet."
So the scientist cut off one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet. So the scientist wrote in his note book, "Frog with three feet, jumps three feet."
So the scientist cut off another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped two feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook "Frog with two feet, jumps two feet."
The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with one foot, jumps one foot."
So the scientist cut off the frogs last leg.
He said, "Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!" So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf."

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 24th, 2007, 02:47 PM
Okay, here's another one:

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, "Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?"

Then the lady answered, "Excuse me, I think this is a goose."

And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.''

:biggrin:

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 24th, 2007, 02:51 PM
Okay I'm on a roll now! Here's another:


A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"
The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"

:lol:

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 24th, 2007, 02:54 PM
Okay I'm trying to quit, really I am, but I found another one!LOL



<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">Surprise Package </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. "Hello there," says the man, "and what is your name?"

"Hello," giggles the woman, "I'm Stacey. What's yours?"
"I'm Jim."
"Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??"
"Sure!" replies Jim, "Let's go!"
So Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. "Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk," Jim says.
"Yes? And what about it?" asks Stacey.
"Is it your brother?"
"No, it isn't, Jim!" Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband.
When he finally asks, "Is it your husband?"
Stacey giggles even more, "No, silly!" Jim was relieved.
"Then, it must be your boyfriend!"
Stacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, "No, silly!!" "Then, who is it?" Jim asks. Stacey replies, "That's me BEFORE my operation!!"

:clap:
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Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 24th, 2007, 02:57 PM
I hope nobody is getting upset with all these jokes, but here's one more that I had to post. LOL


<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"></TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">The Burned Ears </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>A guy burned two ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.

He said, ''I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang... So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear...''

''But how the heck did you burn the other ear?'' The doctor asked.

''They called back.''

:biggrin:
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Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 24th, 2007, 03:08 PM
Okay last one for today! Sorry but it had to be posted! LMAO


<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">The Doctor's Convention </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"></TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD></TD><TD>There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's convention one night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices him also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner.
After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room.
''Sure,'' the woman says. ''Let me go wash my hands first.''
After she washes her hands, they have sex. After they are finished, she washes her hands again. This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, ''You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.'' Angry at this remark, the woman says, ''Well, you must be an anesthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!''

:lol:


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Dani
August 24th, 2007, 03:52 PM
All the jokes are great ladies! I'll post some when I get the chance. :lol:

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 24th, 2007, 04:11 PM
It was too many wasn't it? I'm sorry. I couldn't help myself. Maybe I need joke therapy? ;)

Dani
August 24th, 2007, 04:17 PM
Nah, you're okay. We could probably use some more joke therapy. :roflmao:

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 24th, 2007, 04:34 PM
I've got more jokes! Do you want more? Make sure that you're really sure. LOL If you want more jokes let me know......but be sure first. ;)




:clap:

Dani
August 24th, 2007, 04:43 PM
Post away! Everyone will get a kick out of them. :lol:

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 24th, 2007, 05:19 PM
Okay then, you asked for it. Don't go blaming me when I lose control of myself. LOL


<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">Doctor's Appointment </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>One night, as a couple lies down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry, honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"

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;)

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 24th, 2007, 05:25 PM
Got another one. It a blonde joke. It's okay Nessy, sometimes I'm blonde too.


<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">Death Row in Women's Prison </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes. By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…" And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"

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:biggrin:

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 24th, 2007, 05:26 PM
I thought this one was cute!;)



A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big boobs."

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 24th, 2007, 05:30 PM
This might not be for everyone, so another warning!


<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">Huntin' License </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"></TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD></TD><TD>A man named Jed went hunting near the border of Alabama and Georgia. When he was going back to his truck, a game warden came up to him and asked him what he had in the sack.
"Three rabbits," Jed said.
The warden said, "Let me see one of those rabbits."
So Jed pulled out one of the rabbits. The warden stuck his finger in the rabbit's butthole, pulled it out, smelled it and said, "This is a Georgia rabbit."
Then the warden said, "Let me see your Georgia huntin' license."
So Jed showed him. Then the warden said, "Let me see another one of those rabbits."
So Jed pulled out another rabbit.
Then the warden stuck his finger in the rabbit's butthole, tasted it and said, "This is a Alabama rabbit. Let me see your Alabama huntin' license." So Jed showed them to him. Then the Warden said, "Where you from boy?" So Jed pulled his pants down and said, "You figure it out!"


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LMAO

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 24th, 2007, 05:31 PM
Another cute one!


<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">Saving Her Butt </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>A man decided to paint the toilet while his wife was away. His wife came home sooner than he expected, used the toilet, and got the seat stuck to her rear. She was understandably distraught about this and asked her husband to drive her to the doctor. She put a large overcoat on to cover the seat before they went. When they got to the doctor's office, the man lifted his wife's coat to show him their predicament. The man asked, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replied, "but never framed."

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 24th, 2007, 05:34 PM
The men might hate this one, but I love it!! LOL


One day Adam and Eve notice God standing before them, holding a bag.

"Hi, God. What's in the bag?" asked Eve.
"These are a couple of things that were left over from creation that I thought you two would be interested in." God rummages around in the bag a moment. "Okay who wants to be able to pee standing up?"
Adam immediately puts his hand up in the air, waving frantically. "Me! Me! Me! Oh, oh, PLEASE, God, let me have it! Just think of how much more work I could get done in the fields if I could pee standing up! And it would help so much when I'm out hunting! Oh, please, please, please let me have it!"
"Well, all right," says God. "Now, let's see what we have for you, Eve." God rummages about a bit more in the bag. "Ah, right. Multiple orgasms."

:biggrin:

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 24th, 2007, 05:46 PM
Since we've been talking about horses I thought I'd give this one a try!


A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse''s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horse''s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse''s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.

:biggrin:

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 24th, 2007, 05:49 PM
Okay, I think I'm done with the jokes for now. I'll put some more up tomorrow!;)

Dani
August 24th, 2007, 05:51 PM
:roflmao: Those were hilarious Trisha!!

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 24th, 2007, 06:02 PM
Thank you very much! I tried my best. ;)

Dani
August 24th, 2007, 07:56 PM
I haven't finished laughing at this one yet!:roflmao:
Yeeehaaa

A woman from <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:State w:st="on">New York</st1:State> was driving through a remote part of <st1:State w:st="on"><ST1:pArizona </ST1:p</st1:State>when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.


The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 24th, 2007, 08:51 PM
That one was good!:clap:

LOL!

NessyPerth
August 24th, 2007, 11:14 PM
:roflmao: oh dani that one was awesome. Trisha my favourite is the one with the one the the anethatist OMG my sides hurt

NessyPerth
August 24th, 2007, 11:17 PM
this sex, is sex, a sex, good sex, way sex, 2 sex, keep sex, a sex, thick sex, idiot sex, busy sex, 4 sex, 20 sex, seconds sex,

Now read it all again ingnoring the sex word

Dani
August 24th, 2007, 11:18 PM
Yeah, I loved it too! I though it would be fun since we've been talking about Kade and horses lately. :lol: I liked the joke about the doctors too. That one I have to send to my mom cause she'll get a kick out of it.

NessyPerth
August 24th, 2007, 11:21 PM
Skinny white man goes into a lift and looks at a huge black man who says:
"before you ask, 7ft tall, 350lbs, 20" dick and my balls weigh 3lbs each. Turner Brown"
The white guy faints, when he comes to he asks the black man to say that again. The black man repeats his stats and says "my names Turner Brown"
The white man replies:
"oh thank god for that, I thought you said TURN AROUND"

Dani
August 24th, 2007, 11:23 PM
:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: ...This is all I can do right now...I'm having a hard time typing after that one! Now my sides are hurting.

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 24th, 2007, 11:25 PM
That was great Nessy!!!!! I read that one to my husband and he laughed too. :whoohoo:

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 24th, 2007, 11:26 PM
I think I would have fainted too. LMAO

NessyPerth
August 24th, 2007, 11:35 PM
that one came from my sister, she's worse than me "almost" lmao

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 24th, 2007, 11:36 PM
Tell her we said thanks for the laugh! :clap:

NessyPerth
August 25th, 2007, 10:16 AM
Little red riding hood was going to visit her grandmother. Her mother came up to her and said:
"you be careful out there little red riding hood, there's is a big bad wolf out there. He will get you, he will pull up your little red skirt, he will pull down your little red pants, and he'll f**k you".
"dont worry mum, i have my magnum gun" she replied. She then put it in her basket and off she went.
She was walking along when a rabbit hopped up to her and said:
"you be careful out there little red riding hood, there's a big bad wolf out there. He'll get you, he'll pull up your little red skirt, he'll pull down your little red pants and he'll f**k you".
She pulled out her gun and replied:
"dont worry rabbit, i have my magnum gun"
She then put it in her basket and off she went.
She was walking along again and along came the big bad wolf.
"OK Little Red Riding Hood, pull up your little red skirt, pull down you little red pants, I'm going to f**k you" he said.
Little red riding hood pulled out her gun and put it to his head and replied:
No your not, your going to get on your knees and eat me up; just like the story say's!!!



I always knew little red riding hood was a tramp :roflmao:

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 25th, 2007, 06:40 PM
I've heard one along those lines before, but never with her putting a gun to his head and demanding that he do it. LMAO

Dani
August 25th, 2007, 07:18 PM
LMAO!! That was funny. I've heard another similar version too, but I like this one.

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 25th, 2007, 07:27 PM
Me too! Now I'm gonna have to go and see if I can find any more good ones!

:yes:

*Sarah*
August 25th, 2007, 10:05 PM
<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"></TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">Chillin' Biddies </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them. The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, and the third one's arm was too short to reach.

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

*Sarah*
August 25th, 2007, 10:13 PM
Professions


Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "

She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, F***, Etc."

*Sarah*
August 25th, 2007, 10:27 PM
Back woods of Arkansas


In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 26th, 2007, 12:07 AM
LMAO. Those were good. I really enjoyed the wife one, but laughed at all of them. Probaby the backwoods one the most. Way to go Sarah!:clap:

Dani
August 26th, 2007, 12:37 AM
I loved those Sarah!:roflmao:

*Sarah*
August 26th, 2007, 01:11 AM
Thank you all!!

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 26th, 2007, 02:09 AM
You're welcome! Thanks for the laughs!

:yes:

NessyPerth
August 26th, 2007, 02:14 AM
:whoohoo:i just cant get enough of the jokes. Those were great sarah keep em coming

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 26th, 2007, 08:14 PM
Here's a good one. :whoohoo:

It's never good to brag
>
Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a
party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at
a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics
and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate
ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."
>
The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride
and joy. He started working for a big airline, and then went to flight
school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."
>
The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday:
A 30,000 square foot mansion."
>
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned
from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the
successes of our sons. What about your son?"
>
The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub."
>
>The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment."
>
The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love
him. And he hasn't done too badly either. His birthday was two weeks
ago and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new
jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.

:lol:

Dani
August 26th, 2007, 08:42 PM
:roflmao:My sides hurt and I can't stop laughing! This was too funny. :roflmao:

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 26th, 2007, 08:45 PM
My uncle send that one too me! :lol:

CharmedGirl
August 26th, 2007, 10:12 PM
That was a great joke

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 26th, 2007, 10:26 PM
Thank you CharmedGirl. I told my uncle that if he has anymore, to just send them on to me!


:whoohoo:

*Sarah*
August 26th, 2007, 11:35 PM
Beachy that was so funny!!!

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 26th, 2007, 11:38 PM
Thanks, my uncle sent me about 4 more I think. So check back tomorrow and I'll have them up. Right now I'm trying to catch up to all the post. I'm waaaayyyy behind. LMAO;)

*Sarah*
August 26th, 2007, 11:50 PM
o i will... but now im gettin off of here so ill talk to u all tomorrow!! night

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 26th, 2007, 11:51 PM
Have a good night!

CharmedGirl
August 27th, 2007, 12:11 AM
I haven't heard many good jokes lately but I went and found this one called Heaven and Hell.


<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"></TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>John and Bob were inseparable childhood friends. One night, they both died in a terrible car accident.
When John woke up in heaven, he began to search for Bob but could not find him anywhere. Very distraught, he ran to St. Peter and said, "St. Peter, I know Bob was killed in that accident with me, but I can't find him!"
St. Peter said, "My son, I am sorry to tell you Bob didn't make it to Heaven."
This upset John so much that St. Peter agreed to let him see Bob one more time. St. Peter parted the clouds and John saw Bob sitting in hell with a keg on one side and a beautiful buxom blonde on the other. John looked at St. Peter skeptically and said, "Are you sure I'm in the right place?" "My son," St. Peter said, "looks can be deceiving. You see that keg of beer? It has a hole in it. You see that woman? She doesn't!"

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Dani
August 27th, 2007, 12:17 AM
That was too funny CharmedGirl!! :roflmao:

CharmedGirl
August 27th, 2007, 01:57 AM
Thanks Irishwolf!

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 27th, 2007, 01:59 AM
That was funny CharmedGirl! Thanks for the laugh. Man we are getting good at this!

NessyPerth
August 27th, 2007, 04:49 AM
OMG trish that was fantastic i gotta memorise that one and Charmedgirls one was too awesome. Dani your a legend for setting up this jokes thread it's the best!:whoohoo:

DavidsGirl841444
August 27th, 2007, 12:19 PM
I have noticed the most of these jokes are a little on the sex sided mind. I love that these jokesters have the mind in the gutter. I love the gutter it is fun. Ans always good for a laugh.

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 27th, 2007, 12:26 PM
I've tried to find some jokes that aren't in the gutter, but well........................see it's just that, they're well.............nothing. All the good ones are in the gutter. And I'd say since that is the case, well then of course the gutter is a fun place to be too!


:whoohoo:, :welcome: to the gutter! LMAO

DavidsGirl841444
August 27th, 2007, 12:33 PM
Gutter only place to be funnier jokes and better place to get the things I want. Hehhehe!

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 27th, 2007, 12:51 PM
LMAO! Even if we aren't telling jokes, I'm still laughing at the post.:whoohoo:

christinac
August 27th, 2007, 02:31 PM
God I really had some heads turning at me at work today because of me just bursting out laughing!! All of them were good! You guys are hillarious!!

Dani
August 27th, 2007, 03:18 PM
It is possible to find cute and clean jokes out there. Not that the other ones are bad. I actually like them, but I thought this was too cute. If you have kids you'll know all too well about this kind of senario. :lol:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? I hope you remember my story when they start getting frustrated!


My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.


While enjoying my taco I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter. And she was clean. Then I realized that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I don't have any clothes with me."


Then I said, "Matt, are you sure you did not have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just knew that he must have had, because the smell was getting worse. So I asked one more time, "Matt, did you have an accident?"


This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!"


While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing had happened.


I was mortified but some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they had ever had.

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 27th, 2007, 03:48 PM
OMG! That was great! LMAO. Holy cow, I'm gonna have to use that one too.

:lol:

Dani
August 27th, 2007, 04:48 PM
Warning: This joke has a religious nature. I've you don't like jokes like this then I suggest you pass it over.


SIPPING VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, “When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1.) Sip the vodka. Don't gulp.

2.) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3.) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4.) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5.) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6.) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7.) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8.) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him.

9.) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10.) The Virgin Mary is not called “Mary with the Cherry.”

11.) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

12.) Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 27th, 2007, 05:18 PM
That was great! LMAO! Thanks Dani!

Here's another joke:

Subject: Sumbitch
A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that
he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited his handyman Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters
and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10-ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million
dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash
and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting
the gator; jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head
butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator
through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and
raising cane. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the
top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says,
"Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give! you something. You won the
bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was
amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy,then what do you want?"
Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the
pool."

LMAO

NessyPerth
August 27th, 2007, 09:10 PM
OMG :roflmao: these jokes just keep getting better and better. Oh i think i will have to remember another couple but i'm having trouble coming up with anything suitable :roflmao:

Dani
August 27th, 2007, 09:10 PM
TO: ALL MALE TAX PAYERS
FROM: INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE
SUBJECT: INCREASE IN TAX PAYMENTS
<O:p
<O:p
DEAR TAX PAYER:
<O:p
IN YEARS PAST THE ONLY THING THAT THE INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE (IRS) HAS NOT TAXED IS YOUR PECKER.
<O:p
THIS IS DUE TO THE FACT THAT FORTY (40%) PERCENT OF THE TIME IT IS HANGING AROUND UNEMPLOYED, THIRTY (30%) PERCENT OF THE TIME IT IS PISSED OFF, TWENTY (20%) PERCENT OF THE TIME IT IS HARD UP AND TEN (10%) PERCENT OF THE TIME WHEN IT IS EMPLOYED IT OPERATES IN THE HOLE. FURTHERMORE, IT HAS TWO (2) DEPENDANTS, AND THEY ARE BOTH NUTS.
<O:p
THEREFORE ACCORDINGLY, AFTER FEBRUARY 1, 2001, YOUR PECKER WILL BE TAXED, BASED ON IT’S SIZE, USING THE PECKER-CHECKER SCALE BELOW. DETERMINE YOUR SIZE AND INSERT THE ADDITIONAL TAX UNDER “OTHER TAX” ON PAGE 2, PART 5, LINE 5, OF YOUR STANDARD INCOME TAX RETURN, FORM 1040.
<O:p


PECKER-CHECKER CHART

=======================


<O:p
SIZE TAX DUE
10 – 12 INCHES LUXURY TAX………$75.00
8 – 10 INCHES POLE TAX…………...$50.00
5 – 8 INCHES PRIVILEGE TAX……$25.00
4 – 5 INCHES NUISANCE TAX…….$ 3.00
<O:p
NOTE: 1. ANYONE UNDER 4 INCHES IS ELIGIBLE FOR A REFUND………
DO NOT APPLY FOR AN EXTENTION.
2. MALES WITH PECKERS IN EXCESS OF 12 INCHES MUST
ALSO FILE UNDER CAPITAL GAIN.
<O:p
VERY TRULY YOURS,
<O:p
RUBEN J. CUTCHAPECKEROFF

NessyPerth
August 27th, 2007, 09:16 PM
:roflmao: roflmao: roflmao: oh that one is a classic. Oh crap it's too funny. I'm going to print that one off for my my friends

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 27th, 2007, 09:24 PM
I'm going to have to send that one around too. First to my husband, (no refund), but I get the money instead of the IRS. I can always use more for books. LMAO

NessyPerth
August 27th, 2007, 10:15 PM
:roflmao: trisha, you just crack me up and yeah we could all use a little more money for books

*Sarah*
August 27th, 2007, 10:56 PM
we heard this one last night

an old couple was celebrating 70 years of marriage when someone asked them how they met and how they avoided fights. The old man said that they met while they were horse riding down a canyon. When his wifes horse started to stumble and she said, "thats once" He said he was confused by that and when the horse did it again and she said thats twice... he was even more confused. By the time they were at the bottom the horse did it again and she said thats three times and pulled out a gun and shot it.

So they had been married for a while we they had their first real fight and they were going at it when all of a sudden she looked at him and said " thats once"

and he shut up real quick.

NessyPerth
August 27th, 2007, 11:03 PM
hehehehe so if i ever get married i now know what to say :roflmao: thats a good one sarah

*Sarah*
August 27th, 2007, 11:32 PM
thanks heres another one

An old man and women were sitting down a table. The old man cut the burger in half and gave his wife one half and he kept the other. Then he started to count out the fries into prefect plies... and gave her one pile. People around them were staring and thinkin " o they dont have enough money to buy another meal" so a young guy goes over and asks to buy them another meal... the old man says no thanks we've been sharing for years." so the guy goes back and keeps lookin at them. By now the old man is eating and the woman is takin sips from the drink they're sharing. By now the yound man is really upset and he goes over yet again and says "please ley me buy u another meal, its breakin my heart just sitting here watching you." and the old lady says" Son we've told we share everything... right now im just waiting on the teeth!"

Dani
August 27th, 2007, 11:40 PM
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true," she wanted to know,
"that the medication you prescribed has
To be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
-----------------------------------------
An older gentleman was on the operating table
Awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,
a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia
He asked to speak to his son.
"Yes, Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son;
Do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well,
If something happens to me, your mother is going to come
And live with you and your wife...."
-------------------------------- ---------
When you are dissatisfied and would
Like to go back to youth,
Think of Algebra.
---------------------------------------------

I don't know how I got over the hill
Without getting to the top.
----------------------------------------------
First you forget names, then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
-------------------------------------------

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The first old guy says to the
Second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my
Wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going"
The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a
Coincidence.. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't
Find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you
Find her. What does she look like?"
The second old guy says: "Well, she is 27 yrs old! ,
Tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.
What does you wife look like?"
To which the first old guy says, "Doesn't matter,
--- let's look for yours."
*********
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth...AMEN.

*Sarah*
August 27th, 2007, 11:49 PM
<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">ho Is God? </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"Both son. God is both."
After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"
"Both son, both."
"Daddy, does God love children?" "Yes son, he loves all children." The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

*Sarah*
August 28th, 2007, 12:04 AM
<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">Who Wants To Be a Millionaire </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>A husband and wife are watching "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire," and the husband winks and says, "Honey, let's go upstairs..."

The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.

So the husband says, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says yes.

The husband says, "Well, can I phone a friend?"
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

*Sarah*
August 28th, 2007, 12:25 AM
A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.

"Duke!" the dad yelled.
"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.
"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was homefree so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart. "Duke! Get out of there before the boy sh*ts on you!"

*Sarah*
August 28th, 2007, 12:29 AM
<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">Last Request </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>
The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he said he didn''''t want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.
Finally, when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.
"No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."
"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn''''t even want a special last meal!"
The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions." The guard nodded and told him to go ahead. The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

DavidsGirl841444
August 28th, 2007, 01:04 AM
Loved the jokes guys they crack me up. Give me happy times to tell my guy I am having without him.

NessyPerth
August 28th, 2007, 03:06 AM
oh man i am loving this thread. Dani and Sarah your doing such a fantastic job, I had better hurry up and come up with a few and do my part LOL

NessyPerth
August 28th, 2007, 03:41 AM
an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "if i'm going to die, i want to die feeling like a woman"

She strips off all her clothing and asks "is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up and removes his shirt and says "Here, iron this"

NessyPerth
August 28th, 2007, 03:55 AM
A beautiful woman walks into a doctors office. The doctor is blown away by how awesome she looks and his professionalism goes straight out the window.

He asks her to take off her pants. She does and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"do you know what i'm doing?" the doctor asks

"yes, your checking for abnormalities" she replies

The doctor then tells her to remove her shirt and bra. She does and the doctor starts massaging her breasts.

"Do you know what i am doing now?" the doctor asks

"Yes, your checking for cancer" she replies.

The doctor then asks her to take off her panties. She does and he climbs up onto the table on top of her and starts having sex with her.

"Do you know what i am doing now?" the doctor asks

She replies "Yes, your getting herpies - thats why i'm here"

NessyPerth
August 28th, 2007, 04:18 AM
Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on saturday?

A. Tell her a joke on wednesday



Q. How does a blondes brain cell die?

A. Alone


Q. Why did the blonde stare at an orange juice container for 2 hours

A. Because it said 'concentrate'


Q. How can you tell when a FAX has been sent by a blonde?

A. When it has a stamp on it

NessyPerth
August 28th, 2007, 04:24 AM
Q. What is the difference between sin and shame?

A. It's a sin to put it in, and a shame to pull it out



Q. Whats the speed limit on sex?

A. 68, because at 69 you have to turn around



Q. What do a priest and a christmas tree have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration



Q. What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato

A. A Dictator

DavidsGirl841444
August 28th, 2007, 12:15 PM
Ok that was cute the joke one right after another I love this thread.

Dani
August 28th, 2007, 12:21 PM
Loved those Nessy!! :roflmao:

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 28th, 2007, 11:35 PM
Thank you for the laughs Nessy! Keep em coming ladies!

CharmedGirl
August 28th, 2007, 11:46 PM
Those jokes are great Ness! Keep the jokes coming.

I've got to go find more jokes!

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 28th, 2007, 11:49 PM
Please do, jokes are always welcome. The more the merrier. ;)

CharmedGirl
August 28th, 2007, 11:59 PM
<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">The aging explorer</TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3></TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger lept toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then -- just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Dani
August 29th, 2007, 12:36 AM
:roflmao: That was good!!

christinac
August 29th, 2007, 08:45 AM
Ya'll guys are great I'm still laughing! I'm laughing so hard my sides are hurting. :lol:

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 29th, 2007, 10:38 AM
That was a good one CharmedGirl!:clap:

DavidsGirl841444
August 29th, 2007, 12:04 PM
Funny chicas and chico.

*Sarah*
August 29th, 2007, 09:13 PM
I have to pick on the few guys that come on here.... my hubby included:

<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width=600 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD vAlign=top align=left>Comebacks to Pickup Lines

</TD></TR><TR><TD vAlign=top align=left>Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

*Sarah*
August 29th, 2007, 09:16 PM
<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width=600 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD vAlign=top align=left>Understanding Men

</TD></TR><TR><TD vAlign=top align=left rK9l8="0" P9qKd="77">"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real babe."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

*Sarah*
August 29th, 2007, 09:20 PM
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.

The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to pee."

The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement."

The 90 year old man says, "At seven I pee like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow."

So what's your problem?" ask the others.

"I don't wake up until nine!"

*Sarah*
August 29th, 2007, 09:39 PM
ok... just to make it fair, i have to pick on the women now...

A Woman's Vocabulary, Keywords and Meanings (as taken from an interview with a woman)

FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument in which we feel we are right, but need to shut you up. NEVER use 'Fine' to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those
arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five
minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing"
usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman
getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in
about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a
verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft
Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay
content.

OH
This word followed by any statement is trouble.
Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine"
when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead-in to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows and a "Go ahead," followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a
woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before visiting on you major retribution and tribulations for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is
giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the
truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's
Okay".

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will
say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud
Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

*Sarah*
August 29th, 2007, 10:09 PM
What's the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

*Sarah*
August 29th, 2007, 10:21 PM
Tongue Twister

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He immediately notices that the guy next to him also has a black eye.

He says to him, "Hey this is a coincidence: we both have black eyes. Mind if I ask how you got yours?"

So the guy tells him: "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident, sort of. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the biggest breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying: I'd like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said: I'd like a picket to Tittsburgh." "She socked me one."

The first guy responded, "Mine was a tongue twister too."
"I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Corn Flakes, but I accidentally said: You ruined my life, you lousy bitch.''

*Sarah*
August 29th, 2007, 10:24 PM
<TABLE width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD width="80%"></TD></TR><TR><TD width="80%">Why Beer Is Better Than Women



You can enjoy a beer all month long.

Beer stains wash out.

You don't have to wine and dine a beer.

Your beer will always wait patiently in the car while you play ball.

If your beer is flat, you can toss it out.

Beer is never late.

A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.

A hangover will go away.

Beer labels come off without a fight.

When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.

A beer never has a headache.

A beer will never nag you.

A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer.

If you pour a beer right, you'll always get good head.

A beer always goes down easy.

You can share a beer with friends.

You always know if you're the first one to pop a beer.

A beer is always wet.

A beer doesn't demand equality.

You can have a beer in public.

A beer doesn't care what time you come home.

A frigid beer is a good beer.

You don't have to wash a beer for it to taste good.

If you decide to change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

*Sarah*
August 29th, 2007, 10:39 PM
How are women and tornadoes alike?
They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave

Dani
August 29th, 2007, 11:15 PM
Very funny Sarah!! I love them. :biggrin:

CharmedGirl
August 29th, 2007, 11:47 PM
They were great jokes Sarah very funny!

christinac
August 30th, 2007, 08:39 AM
Sarah those were awesome! :lol:

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 30th, 2007, 09:26 AM
Wonderful jokes Sarah! The one about a Woman's Vocabulary, Keywords and Meanings, was spot on! LOL I'm going to have to print those out and put them on the fridge for my husband. Maybe he'll understand me then!

LMAO

:clap:

NessyPerth
August 30th, 2007, 10:31 AM
um think it's time for some man jokes now dont you? :roflmao: give me a day and i'll find some awesome ones hehehe Gotta give the men some shite too i'm thinking

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 30th, 2007, 10:39 AM
Oh yeah. A day without giving men shite is like a day incomplete! LOL

:clap:

NessyPerth
August 30th, 2007, 10:16 PM
Q. Why are men like lava lamps?

A. They are both nice to look at but not all that bright

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 31st, 2007, 12:39 AM
I don't know if this one has been posted or not, because honestly I'll be here all day rereading this thread it's so long. So if I'm repeating anyone please forgive me. I'm sorry. If not, well then great!

What's the difference between men and lightbulbs?
Lightbulbs you can turn off, men only have one switch.....on! (Whether you want them to be on not) LOL

Okay, I'm hoping you guys liked that. I heard it not that long ago or read it somewhere. I just hope not here.

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 31st, 2007, 12:56 AM
Okay, I didn't see back through page 13, I can' t go back anymore. So if it's after page 13 I'm sorry. Here's another one:



<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">Blonde in a Car </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, ''I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?'' ''Why sure,'' said the manager, ''we have something that works especially well for that.'' A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice. ''No, no! A little to the left,'' said the other blonde inside the car.

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 31st, 2007, 12:57 AM
Here's another:


<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">Three-Legged Race </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>One day a traveling salesman was driving down a back country road at about 30 mph when he noticed that there was a three-legged chicken running alongside his car.
He stepped on the gas but at 50 miles per hour. The chicken was still keeping up. After about a mile of running the chicken ran up a farm lane and into a barn behind an old farm house.
The salesman had some time to kill so he turned around and drove up the farm lane. He knocked at the door and when the farmer answered he told him what he had just seen.
The farmer said that he was a geneticist and had developed this breed of chicken because he, his wife and his son each like a drumstick when they have chicken and this way they only have to kill one chicken. "That''s the most fantastic thing I've ever heard," said the salesman. "How do they taste?" "I don't know," said the farmer. "We've never caught one."

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 31st, 2007, 01:00 AM
Okay, here's another:


<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">A Father's Last Request </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?" The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son." With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

NessyPerth
August 31st, 2007, 10:17 AM
:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: awesome trisha cant stop laughing and no i dont think they have been put up yet cause i dont remember them. Woohoo keep em coming

DavidsGirl841444
August 31st, 2007, 10:37 AM
Love the three sons joke it was funny as hell. And the blonde well weird that there are alot more blonde jokes then anyother women jokes.

Dani
August 31st, 2007, 12:44 PM
There once was an Indian whose given name was “Onestone.” So named because he only had one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone. After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said, “If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!” The word got around and nobody called him that anymore. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, “Good morning, Onestone.” He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird’s cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, “Good to see you, Onestone.” Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn’t die!

What’s the moral of this story????

Oh, come on…take a guess!

Think about it (You’re going to love this!).

The moral is…

You can’t kill two birds with one stone!!

Dani
August 31st, 2007, 12:46 PM
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 5 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in –the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar “pay” she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us.” “My goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week too?”

The little girl replied, “I will if those a**holes at Lowe’s ever deliver the f**king drywall…”

DavidsGirl841444
August 31st, 2007, 07:08 PM
O the moral of the story killed me I loved it thanks for the giggles.

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 31st, 2007, 08:57 PM
Here's another blonde. I'm usually blonde too, so I'm picking on myself with all these too.


<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">Blonde State of Mind </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of international capitals.
She proudly said, "Go ahead and quiz me. I know all of them!" Her friend said, "O.K. then, what's the capital of France?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's so easy! F."

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 31st, 2007, 08:59 PM
<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">Chaste Nudist </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>A young girl hadn't been feeling well, so she went to her family doctor. The doctor ran some tests and then told her she was pregnant. The girl said, "I can't be! The only men I've been around are nudists from my colony and we only practice sex with our eyes." "Well, my dear," said the doctor. "Someone in that colony must be cockeyed."

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 31st, 2007, 09:02 PM
<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"></TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">Three Buttons </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>A gentleman on a flight to Atlanta had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but found it to be occupied.
The stewardess noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and had a look of pain and anxiety on his face. “Sir,” she said, “the ladies’ restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.”
He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified by the letters: “WW”, “WA”, and “PP”, and there was one red button labeled “ATR.”
Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn’t just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the “WW” button. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him. The men’s restroom didn’t have nice things like this.
Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the “WA” button. Warm air replaced the warm water, wafting and swirling about, gently drying his underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the “PP” button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies’ room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender, loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy.
He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. ”What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies’ restroom on a flight to Atlanta!” “You pushed one too many buttons,” replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. “That last button marked “ATR” is an automatic tampon remover. Your penis is under your pillow.”

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:roflmao:

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 31st, 2007, 09:04 PM
Okay, back to blondes again.



<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">Blonde on Fire </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>A blonde's house was on fire. She called 911 and started screaming, "Help me, please! My house is burning! Hurry!" The operator said, "Okay, calm down and we'll be there soon. How do we get to your house?" The blonde answered, "Duh, in that big red truck!"

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Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 31st, 2007, 09:05 PM
<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">The Clever Lawyer </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"></TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD></TD><TD>
A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. And, with his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench and walked out.


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Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 31st, 2007, 09:09 PM
Blondes again! LMAO@this joke



<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">First Class Blondie </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach. Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."
The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear.
She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."

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Dani
August 31st, 2007, 09:14 PM
This joke (Let's make fun of man's inability to follow directions) was too funny!! I'm still :roflmao: !!

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 31st, 2007, 09:20 PM
I thought that this one was cute.


<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">Diplomacy Definition </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip!
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Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 31st, 2007, 09:22 PM
<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">The Hit and Run Case </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you." "Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

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Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 31st, 2007, 09:25 PM
<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">Job Application </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>This is an actual job application someone submitted to McDonald's. They hired him.


NAME - Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY - $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION - Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD - Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY - Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT - My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING - It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK - Any.

PREFERRED HOURS - 1:30 - 3:30 pm, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, ''Do you have a car that runs?''

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publisher's Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE? Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? No, but I dare you to prove otherwise. SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising
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Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 31st, 2007, 09:26 PM
<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">Personals </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>A man was unemployed and bored, so he decided to sunbathe in the nude. His penis got badly burned, due to the fact it had never before seen the sun. His wife came home that night and they had sex. While his wife slept, he looked for relief from the sting. He went to the refrigerator to find something cold to put on his body and only found milk. He poured some in a glass and dipped his penis into it. His wife came in, slapped the side of her head and marveled, "So that's how you load the thing!"

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Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 31st, 2007, 09:29 PM
<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">Perfect Man, Perfect Woman </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.
One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw Santa Claus at the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up, because they didn't want to make their perfect children (who were at home with their perfect babysitter) mad because it was close to Chritmas.
Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with Santa Claus, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and 1 lived. Who died and who lived? The perfect woman because the perfect man and Santa Claus aren't real.

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Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 31st, 2007, 09:36 PM
<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">Little Johnny's Question </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?”
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, ”None, they all fly away with the first gun shot”
The teacher replies “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.”
Then Little Johnny says “I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?” The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone” To which Little Johnny replied, “The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.”

lol

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Dani
August 31st, 2007, 09:56 PM
I thought that this one was cute.


<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">Diplomacy Definition </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"></TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD></TD><TD>The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip!

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>
You know, this is the trait of a good Irishman (or woman)! :roflmao:

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 31st, 2007, 10:01 PM
<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">Mr. Phillard's Twins </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital. As the doctors were prepping his wife, Mr. Phillard's idiot brother Bill arrived to watch the birth. But when Mr. Phillard saw the blood and everything else, he fainted. When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed with the doctor standing above him.
"Mr. Phillard," the doctor said, "you are in the recovery room. Don't worry, your wife is fine and she had twins, a boy and a girl. Because you were unconscious and your wife was still under anaesthesia, she requested that your brother Bill name the kids."
"What! My brother, the idiot! I can't believe you let him! What did he name them?"
"He named your daughter Denise." "Hey, not bad! I underestimated my brother. What did he name my son?" "He named your son Denephew."

:roflmao:

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Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 31st, 2007, 10:04 PM
I love this one. LMAO


<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">Viagra Coffee </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.
"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."
The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.
Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.
"How did it go?" the doctor asked.
"Terrible, doctor, terrible."
"Did it not work?"
"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years." "Then what is the problem, ma'am?" "Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

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Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 31st, 2007, 10:07 PM
<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"></TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">The Love Dress </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>A woman goes over to her married son's house and walks in to find her daughter-in-law sitting in a chair, entirely nude. The mother-in-law says, “What the hell are you doing?”
“I'm wearing my love dress,” responds the daughter-in-law, “We haven't made love in a long time.”
So the mother-in-law says, “Hm, maybe I should try that.”
She goes home to find her husband is not in, so she gets undressed. Two hours go by and finally she hears her husband's car. He walks in the front door and says, “What the hell are you doing?” “I'm wearing my love dress,” says the wife. “Well,” responds the husband, “it needs to be ironed.”

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Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 31st, 2007, 10:20 PM
Thanks Dani! I didn't see your reply until I checked to see how many jokes I posted. I guess I got a little carried away. Sorry. I'm glad you like that one. I do too. And yeah, Irishmen, can do that very well!


LMAO

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 31st, 2007, 10:23 PM
Okay I had one on here, but after rereading I decided that it was a little too naughty. I don't want to be getting in trouble. Sorry guys!

Beach Bum Wanna Be
August 31st, 2007, 10:25 PM
<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">Little Johnny's Mom's Vital Signs </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is.

Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?" To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and then sends him to his room. On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"

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Dani
August 31st, 2007, 10:37 PM
Did you see the jokes I posted? I had a few, but can't find them right now. :roflmao:

Beach Bum Wanna Be
September 1st, 2007, 11:01 AM
Oh yeah! Both Onestone and the construction girl were great! Thanks for the laughs on those. :roflmao:

DavidsGirl841444
September 1st, 2007, 12:46 PM
You guys come up with this stuff fast as I see.

Dani
September 1st, 2007, 12:48 PM
Trisha's been posting like a fiend!!! I can't keep up. :roflmao:

KeriArthur
September 1st, 2007, 09:06 PM
lol. This thread is a serious threat to my screen...

reminder to self; don't drink while in here.

NessyPerth
September 1st, 2007, 10:07 PM
LMAO keri, i know exactly what you mean

Beach Bum Wanna Be
September 1st, 2007, 10:18 PM
That's great! I'm glad all our jokes are hazardous to your screen. That means we are all going a great job with all the jokes! :whoohoo:

Beach Bum Wanna Be
September 1st, 2007, 11:32 PM
I happened to have time to read a magazine today. And in Woman's Day, the August issue, there was a quote that I thought fit this thread.


"A day without laughter is a day wasted." by Charlie Chaplin

" It's been my favorite quote for as long as I can remember. I've led an interesting life filled with some tumultuous and some extraordinary times, and in every circumstance I've applied these words. Even in my worst moments, I can always find--or maybe I search for --the humor. Maybe this is a defense mechanism to help me through, or maybe it's a gift from the big guy upstairs....who knows? But everything that happens to me is a good story to tell, and our stories are mini-lessons to learn from." From a teacher in New Jersey.


I thought this little article was a great one for us all to read...and maybe we can all try to find the humor in the bad things that happen in our lives.

And since I'm doing the quote thing, something is propelling me to write the rest of the quotes from the magazine, though not the women's thoughts behind them otherwise I'll be here all night. So here's some more quotes, maybe they'll make you look at things a little differently.

"A ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for." William Shedd

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle." Plato

"You were born an original. Don't die a copy." John Mason

"It's impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off." Woody Allen

"It is never too late to be what you might have been." George Eliot

"You will never be happy with what you want if you are not happy with what you have." Unknown


I found a small gold nugget of inspiration in most of these. I hope you all do too.

;)

Again these came from the August Issue of Woman's Day.

Dani
September 2nd, 2007, 12:08 AM
This is really good. Thanks Trisha! :biggrin:

Beach Bum Wanna Be
September 2nd, 2007, 06:48 PM
You're welcome Dani. I'm glad you liked them.

On to more jokes now, lol.


<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">Shaky Arms Hotel </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. She lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.
"Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" So he lies down next to the wife. Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?" The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

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:nah: I wouldn't believe it! LMAO

Beach Bum Wanna Be
September 2nd, 2007, 06:50 PM
<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">Prime Minister's Wife Makes a Faux Pas </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor. At the dinner table, the Ambassador's wife was talking with Madame deGaulle: "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and international scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle. A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer... and no one knew what to say next. Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness!'"

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:roflmao:

Beach Bum Wanna Be
September 2nd, 2007, 06:52 PM
<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"></TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">Golf Genie </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>A husband and wife, out enjoying a round of golf, were about to tee off on the third hole, which was lined with beautiful homes. The wife hit her shot and the ball began to slice - her shot was headed directly at a very large plate glass window. Much to her surprise, the ball smashed through the window and shattered it into a million pieces.
They felt compelled to see what damage was done and drove off to see what happened. When they peeked inside the house, they found no one there. The husband called out and no one answered. Upon further investigation, they saw a small gentleman sitting on the couch with a turban on his head.
The wife asked the man, "Do you live here?"
"No, someone just hit a ball through the window, knocked over the vase you see there, freeing me from that little bottle. I am so grateful!" he answered.
The wife asked, "Are you a genie?"
"Oh, why yes I am. In fact, I am so grateful I will grant you two wishes, and the third I will keep for myself," the man replied.
The husband and wife agreed on two wishes - one was for a scratch handicap for the husband, to which the wife readily agreed. The other was for an income of $1,000,000 per year forever.
The genie nodded his head and said, "Done!"
The genie now said, "For my wish, I would like to have my way with your wife. I have not been with a woman for many years, and after all, I made you a scratch golfer and a millionaire."
The husband and wife agreed.
After the genie and wife were finished, the genie asked the wife, "How long have you been married?"
To which she responded, "Three years."
The genie then asked, "How old is your husband?" To which she replied, "31 years old" The genie then asked, "And how long has he believed in this genie crap?"

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LOL

Beach Bum Wanna Be
September 2nd, 2007, 06:55 PM
Dani, let me know if this one is too bad.



<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">The Crying Horse </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>An owner offered one hundred dollars to anyone who could make his horse laugh. Only one man was up for the challenge and he took the horse into a room and when he brought the horse out it was laughing so hard it pissed on the floor.
The owner said he'd give another hundred dollars if the man could make the horse cry. The man took the horse into the same room and when he brought it out, the horse was crying a river. "How did you do it?" asked the owner. "Well," the man replied, "to make him laugh I told him my dick was bigger than his, and to make him cry I showed him."

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Beach Bum Wanna Be
September 2nd, 2007, 06:58 PM
<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">B-Day Sex </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>Adam was talking to his friend at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stuck."
His friend said, "I have an idea! Why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled." Adam decided to to his friend's advice.
The next day at the bar his friend said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"
"Yes, I did," Adam replied. "Did she like it?" "Oh yes! she jumped up , thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling "I'll be back in an hour!!"

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:roflmao: I guess you need to be careful when give out those certificates! LOL

Dani
September 2nd, 2007, 08:28 PM
Dani, let me know if this one is too bad.
Yeah, it's okay by me. Now, if it had another, more crude name for the male appendage then I'd have to edit it out.

Beach Bum Wanna Be
September 3rd, 2007, 10:54 AM
:roflmao: Okay, thanks Dani.

DavidsGirl841444
September 3rd, 2007, 11:15 AM
I love the b-day sex one that was funny my guy did not like it since he is so paranpoid I wan another man.

christinac
September 4th, 2007, 12:55 PM
Girls those jokes were hillarious I like Little Johnnie, and the constuction girl. I liked all of them. I shared them with the girls at work.

Dani
September 5th, 2007, 07:05 PM
Warning: This joke is of a sexual nature

The coma<O:p
<O:p</O:p

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, “As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.”

The husband was skeptical, but they assured that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate at all.

The nurses run back into the room. “What happened!?” they cried.

The husband said, “I'm not sure. Maybe she choked.”

Dani
September 5th, 2007, 10:31 PM
The Nun at Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation, and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just a long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out."

DavidsGirl841444
September 6th, 2007, 09:05 AM
Loved the nun in the bathroom story that was cute and the coma women joke even funnier.

Beach Bum Wanna Be
September 6th, 2007, 10:05 AM
Very good jokes Dani! Woohoo. Both were very great! Keep 'em coming!

christinac
September 6th, 2007, 10:19 AM
OMG I loved the nun joke that was awesome.

*Sarah*
September 7th, 2007, 09:48 PM
Q: How many blonde jokes are there?
A: One. The rest are all true stories.

NessyPerth
September 7th, 2007, 11:04 PM
woohoo a blonde joke i havn't heard before. Thats awesome sarah, now i got a new one to tell at party's hehehehe

Beach Bum Wanna Be
September 8th, 2007, 11:26 AM
That was a good one Sarah!

:whoohoo:

Dani
September 8th, 2007, 06:30 PM
That was cute Sarah! :lol:

Beach Bum Wanna Be
September 8th, 2007, 09:46 PM
<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>
What starts with "F" and ends with "UCK"?


Firetruck!
</TD></TR><TR><TD>


:whistling:
</TD><TD>
</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Beach Bum Wanna Be
September 8th, 2007, 10:29 PM
<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"></TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">No-So-Dumb Blonde </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>One day a blonde is sitting on a plane next to one of those annoying, pushy businessmen. He asks her if she would like to play a game. She politely declines, but the man explains the game to her anyway.
He says, "It goes like this: I will ask you a question and if you get it wrong you will give me $5, and vice-versa."
She says no again, and tries to fall asleep.
The man tries harder, saying, "Aw, come on. I'll give you $50 for each question. Or how about $500?"
At that number, the blonde agrees.
The businessman explains again, "If you get my question wrong you give me $5. And when you ask the question, and I get it wrong, I will pay you $500.
"Got it," she replies.
He asks, "Who was the sixth president?" She admits she doesn't know and gives him $5.
Now it's her turn, and she says, "What has purple legs, five arms and only two yellow teeth?"
The businessman doesn't know - he uses his laptop, checks the Internet, e-mails his friends. No one knows the answer. So he gives her $500.00. Then, as they're landing he asks her, "What was that thing anyway?" She thinks a few minutes, hands him $5 and walks off the plane.

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Beach Bum Wanna Be
September 8th, 2007, 10:31 PM
Dr. Doctor http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif

Two doctors opened an office in a small town.
They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."
No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.
Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."
But it was still not good! So they tried:
"Minds and Behinds"
"Analysis and Anal Cysts"
"Nuts and Butts"
"Freaks and Cheeks"
"Loons and Moons"
"Lost Souls and Ass Holes"
None worked.
Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends." APPROVED!


:roflmao:

Dani
September 8th, 2007, 10:44 PM
These jokes are great Trisha! Loved the firetruck. I'm gonna have to send that to my uncle because he used to be the fire chief in my home town until they closed the department and handed the duties to the county.

Beach Bum Wanna Be
September 8th, 2007, 11:18 PM
<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px">Heckle Me Harder </TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"> </TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif</TD></TR><TR><TD> </TD><TD>A ventriloquist is sitting onstage at a comedy club. He and his dummy are spurting out really crude blonde jokes, when a blonde lady sitting in the audience stands up.
"I'm so sick of you people who think blondes are stupid. It's because of you that I have had to try harder to prove myself at work and in the community. There are just as many dumb people with red or brown hair. There are just as many smart people with blonde hair." "Gosh, Miss, I'm terribly sorry. I was just telling jokes, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." "Shut up! I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to that little jerk on your lap!"

</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

CharmedGirl
September 8th, 2007, 11:33 PM
A blonde, brunette and redhead were stranded on an island and they are trying to get back to the main land which was 20kilometres away. The redhead started swimming in the ocean and only got 10 kilometres before getting tired and drowning. The brunette was the next to try the swim and only made it 15 kilometres before getting tired and drowning. The last to try the swim was the blonde and she made it 19 kilometres and got tired so instead of swimming that extra 1 kilometre to reach the main land she decided to swim back to the island. :arghhhh:

Dani
September 9th, 2007, 12:30 AM
The jokes are great ladies!! Keep them coming! :lol:

Beach Bum Wanna Be
September 9th, 2007, 12:51 AM
:roflmao:

That's so funny CharmedGirl!


:whoohoo:

DavidsGirl841444
September 9th, 2007, 05:15 PM
No offense but love blonde jokes they are very funny. Of course no offense to blonde haired girlys. I mean I wouldn't mind having that kind of hair very pretty.

Beach Bum Wanna Be
September 10th, 2007, 03:47 PM
I hope no one has posted this one. My uncle sent it to me and I wanted to share.


Blondes.

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

:roflmao:

Dani
September 10th, 2007, 05:00 PM
This was the best blonde joke yet Trisha! My sides hurt from laughing so hard. :roflmao:

CharmedGirl
September 10th, 2007, 06:45 PM
That was a great blonde joke Trish :roflmao:

CharmedGirl
September 10th, 2007, 06:52 PM
Blonde at the Elmo Factory
<TABLE class=bodyblue_v2 id=jokeIframeTable2 cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=0 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"></TD><TD style="HEIGHT: 15px"></TD></TR><TR><TD colSpan=3>http://jokes.comedycentral.com/images/v2/pix_clear.gif
</TD></TR><TR><TD>

</TD><TD>Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.
After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.
The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!''


</TD></TR></TBODY></TABLE>

Dani
September 10th, 2007, 06:55 PM
:roflmao: I'm dying here!! That is just too much!

Dani
September 10th, 2007, 07:47 PM
Polite Way to Pee

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."

"What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

<?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:City w:st="on">Sherman said</st1:City>, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."


"And you, little Eddie, can you show us your good manners?"

"I would say, ‘Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’"

The teacher fainted

CharmedGirl
September 10th, 2007, 08:00 PM
OMG :roflmao: Eddie is a bit cheeky.

NessyPerth
September 11th, 2007, 02:53 AM
http://i243.photobucket.com/albums/ff40/NessyPerth/cid_002a01c7e3311dfab2206601a8c0car.jpg
Ok so where do you get in?? The Exit??

NessyPerth
September 11th, 2007, 02:55 AM
http://i243.photobucket.com/albums/ff40/NessyPerth/cid_002b01c7e3311dfab2206601a8c0car.jpg
Hope the emergency isn't too urgent :roflmao:

CharmedGirl
September 11th, 2007, 03:07 AM
:roflmao: I like the Entrance Only Do not Enter one.

As for the Emergency one you're most likely to keel over before you get to the phone and then it would a bigger emergency.:swoon:

NessyPerth
September 11th, 2007, 03:16 AM
hell yeah how about this one
http://i243.photobucket.com/albums/ff40/NessyPerth/cid_002e01c7e3311dfab2206601a8c0car.jpg
Hmm now there's a personality trait i would never have thought to put on my resume

NessyPerth
September 11th, 2007, 03:19 AM
http://i243.photobucket.com/albums/ff40/NessyPerth/cid_002f01c7e3311dfab2206601a8c0car.jpg

Hygiene is important too

NessyPerth
September 11th, 2007, 03:21 AM
http://i243.photobucket.com/albums/ff40/NessyPerth/cid_002701c7e3311dfab2206601a8c0car.jpg

Thank god. Up until now only 36% of women have been able to find this

CharmedGirl
September 11th, 2007, 03:22 AM
One rub would be magic to some guys depending on who is doing the rubbing. LOL

Only 36% where is the world coming to. LOL

NessyPerth
September 11th, 2007, 03:24 AM
http://i243.photobucket.com/albums/ff40/NessyPerth/cid_003401c7e3311dfab2206601a8c0car.jpg
No your other right!!!

http://i243.photobucket.com/albums/ff40/NessyPerth/cid_002c01c7e3311dfab2206601a8c0car.jpg

Sounds Tasty

http://i243.photobucket.com/albums/ff40/NessyPerth/cid_002801c7e3311dfab2206601a8c0car.jpg

Excuse me?????