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sjwilling
August 20th, 2007, 10:58 AM
A.K.A. FLATery Becomes Her

We've all been there, and if we haven't we're bound to be sometime or later. It's 2am, you're on your way home from a hot date, or if you're even luckier, on your way to a hot date. It's pouring with rain. No, it's not pouring with rain, it's Noah's flood revisited, and here you are in the middle of Interstate 57, twenty miles from the nearest habitable residence. It is pitch black, wet, cold, miserable, the maniac killer from Hitchhiker is bound to come along any minute now, and what are you doing? You are staring at the flattest tire you've ever set eyes on. Even worse, the flat is the spare that you've just had the foresight to take out of the trunk, and it's even flatter than the one currently on your wheel. This is the spare you've been promising yourself to replace since that puncture at Milly's party last year. Suddenly out of the sheets, nope, buckets of water that some deity with a sick sense of humor is throwing over you, you see the headlights of a brand new Porsche slowing down to a halt behind you. The drop dead gorgeous take-me-on-the-road-now! hunk that gets out of the car offers to help. Other than ripping your panties off and begging him to find you a nice warm fire to dry them beside, what should you do?

Never fear our special Agent Double D.3 has risked life, limb and, ahem, virginity to troll the roads for this exclusive report. Want to know what you're really getting into when those handsome eyes offer to replace your spare? Need to prepare yourself for an unforeseen inflatable experience? What do you do when he plays with it and makes it nice and hard? (The tire, silly, the tire!) Just what kind of man, or beast, are you dealing with? Read Agent Double D.3's special report on " FLATery Becomes Her," for the answer to these puzzlers and more see the report below:

Agent Double D.3 reports :

1. Vampires: Brand new Porsche, huh? And if you ask him you'll find that this is just his weekend car, he has five more at home that he uses for different days of the week. His offer of help comes in the form of a private mechanic, with the same pale skin and bright eyed look as the hunk beside you. For some inexplicable reason, as he drives you to his small thirty room mansion, just to have your panties steam dried by his army of maids, you have an overwhelming desire to offer him your neck and say "Bite me." If this is happening to you, then you, my lucky dear, have become the personal project of a superlicious vampire lord whose one intention is to have you solely for himself. Don't be surprised when you wake up in the morning, in his bed to have five brand new tires on your car and Band-aids all over your body.

2. Werewolves: Soft top Porsche, no coat, pouring rain, a sexy swagger and an all too confident smile on his face. Something about this guy makes you want to give him all your panties, which he'll dutifully throw away. After all, who needs panties when this hunk is around. Having teased all your problems out of you, and maybe nuzzled your crotch some, he'll pull out his cell phone and a whole pack of his buddies will be surrounding your car in minutes, towing it, changing tires, drinking beers. And as you snuggle in between clean sheets, in a big bedroom with a huge log fire and a naked hunky fellow beside you, all of your problems will seem like a dream. You have had the good fortune of becoming the property of the local werewolf clan's pack leader. Don't worry about the clumps of fur stuck all over you when you wake up in the morning. These are simply a result of his bull mastiff, fido, sharing the bed with you last night.

3. Ghosts: Porsche? What Porsche? All you know is this hunkalicious guy has appeared beside you and now your panties are soaked, and it's not because of the rain. Rain, hell, it's so darn cold it's snowing now. Unfortunately he doesn't have a cell phone, but he does know of a nice quiet semi-mansion nearby that looks old and uncared for but has a terrific owner. No, there isn't any phone, but hey there's a fireplace, plenty of wood, and a nice comfy bed which would fit both of you very nicely. Besides you really should get out of those frozen panties before you catch a chill or get frostbitten or something. You, you lucky thing, are now the beloved human of the local scare-them-all-and-keep-them-off-my-property ghost. When you wake up in bed in the morning with hand shaped frost marks on your breasts don't forget, you kept telling everyone how you needed to get more exorcize.

4. Invisible men: Okay, it doesn't faze you that the guy who just stepped out of the Porsche is covered head to toe in bandages, and he wears dark sunglasses at night. You just know, simply, that beneath those rags he's the hunk you've been looking for ever since you learned what Giving Head meant. Efficient and capable this great hero has the local A1 tow truck at your car within minutes and is escorting you to his delightful ranch style home, tucked back in the quietlands of suburbia. You'll know he's the man for you because, strangely, your panties will come off all by themselves and hang themselves neatly by the fireplace. And we all know that panties are never wrong. These are all signs that you've been adopted by the local genius scientist/invisible man. You'll sleep the entire night away dreaming of having funkalicious sex with some incredible mysterious and hard to see yummy guy. When you wake up all hot and sweaty in the morning with hickeys all over your breasts, don't worry, it's just side effect of having all those deliciously hot dreams.

5. Mermen: If the hunk that steps out of the car is very floppy, and I mean flopping and flapping all over the road (and we all know how useless a floppy man is,) then you've had the misfortune to be rescued by a Merman. Now Mermen are kind of pointless in this situation, unless of course you're into sea food. So get out the fish filet knife, some beer batter, skewers and find a nearby bridge to give you some cover to put up a barbecue and deep fat fryer, then sit back and have some late night fish and chips. Sorry, you'll have to keep those panties on this time around, after all, grilled is the only head you're going to be getting tonight.

6. Incubus: Forget the Porsche, let's talk Subaru. A big four wheel drive, ten seater affair that has the back seats removed and a permanent mattress and feather down bed installed. Your panties are now history, lost somewhere in the four feet between your car and his. By the time the A1 tow truck has driven off with your tires, got them fixed and returned them, you're on your fourteenth orgasm-and you don't give a damn about the tires thank you very much. Then you're driven home to a very nice, warm house, with a delicious fireplace, hot chocolate and lots of KY lubrication. This is going to be a very busy night for you and the last thing you need is a bad case of friction burn. Congratulations you've been taken into the custody of your local incubus. When you wake up in the morning don't even dream about getting out of bed. Panties? You'll never need them again.

7. Djinn: Okay, so this guy, panty soaking delicious though he is, is so weird. I mean he doesn't drive a Porsche, he rides a carpet for frick's sake. Not just any old carpet but one that miraculously keeps him totally dry in spite of half the Pacific falling on top of you both. At least he has the decency to extend the keeping the rain off part when he gets close enough to see what's going on. And, it was very nice of him to snap his fingers and replace all your tires, well damn, the whole car, in a matter of moments. It is a little disconcerting to find he obtained your rather damp panties in a similar matter. Although, of course, you knew he was going to get them sometime anyway, so that's alright. If those little signs don't clue you in, suddenly finding yourself in an exotic Arabian castle, dressed in flowing see-through silk, sans underwear, and being attended to by a bevy of pretty and very helpful young ladies should. You've just taken charge of a local Djinn (although taking charge is a matter of debate here.) Just wake up and get out of bed anytime you fancy, though you'll probably be too exhausted from the non-stop sex to even bother. Oh, and only wear the panties if you ever leave your private chambers, it makes such a mess when the male servants drool all over the carpets.

Agent Double D.3 report ends.

NessyPerth
August 20th, 2007, 11:13 AM
:notworthy: OMG what a way to end the night. Very sweet dreams for me tonight. Perhaps after i've had some fish & chips. :roflmao: that was hilarious

sjwilling
August 20th, 2007, 11:20 AM
*Drools*

You know it's been eight years without Fish and Chips, I think i need psychiatric help to cope with this dietary lack :)

Sleep well!

S.J.

Karenne
August 20th, 2007, 07:29 PM
cough ....what exactly is Fish and Chips....really? This American would like to know.

:chatterbox:

sjwilling
August 20th, 2007, 11:07 PM
The good old English Fish and Chip shop. Basically the mainstay is battered cod, deep fried, and deep fried chipped potatos (sort of halfway between the american french fry and the beefsteak fry) Normally served in wrapped paper (used to be newsprint until the ink and cancer connection came out), now it's unprinted newsprint.

Now the repertoire has expanded to Rock fish, haddock, plaice and a selection of other deep fried and rotisseried foods like battered hamburgers, battered sausage links, grilled chicken, battered mushy pea fritters, battered pineapple fritters. Some places do battered Eel too.

And all of it guaranteed to max your cholesterol in less than twenty seconds :)

It's the good stuff. LOL

S.J.

NessyPerth
August 20th, 2007, 11:12 PM
OMG dont they have fish and chip shops in america? thats so weird LOL. i currently work nights in a fish and chip shop eeeeek not fun at all. In Scotland they actually deep fry chocolate bars like snickers and mars bars. Now that is just great for the arteries LMAO

CharmedGirl
August 20th, 2007, 11:15 PM
I love fish and chips!

When I want to make something for a birthday party I always go for the Mars Bar Cheesecake recipe.

sjwilling
August 20th, 2007, 11:19 PM
Nope no fish and chip shops. They try to make it in some restaurants but they always use the stringy french fries and the batter is generally skinny and totally unthick like good battered fish should be.

I also miss my pork pies too, and the cornish pasties and scotch pies.

All, alas, absent from the American diet.

S.J.

NessyPerth
August 20th, 2007, 11:22 PM
whoa perhaps i should come over there and open a chain of decent fish and chip shops and make a fortune LOL one more fast food chain wont hurt anyone :o)

sjwilling
August 20th, 2007, 11:27 PM
There are over 100,000 (probably more) british residents who would worship the grease you cooked in.

:turned:

S.J.

NessyPerth
August 20th, 2007, 11:31 PM
wooohooo sounds like a plan. I'm stockin up on all that grease and coming to america LMAO

sjwilling
August 20th, 2007, 11:32 PM
Yay! OH bring a few pork pies willya.

*begs atrociously*

S.J.

CharmedGirl
August 20th, 2007, 11:33 PM
Fish and Chips shop wouldn't be a very healthy store to owen NessyPerth but it does sound good to own one.

NessyPerth
August 20th, 2007, 11:36 PM
actually your better off to own or work in one. Cause after working in one all day the last thing you want to do is eat it. although most over here only open 3 hours a day 5pm to 8pm

NessyPerth
August 20th, 2007, 11:36 PM
pork pies coming right up LOL

CharmedGirl
August 20th, 2007, 11:46 PM
3 hours isn't very long. Over here in Queensland they are opened from 9am-8pm and only close for one whole day which is normally Monday.

CharmedGirl
August 20th, 2007, 11:46 PM
Pork pies sound good but Curry pies sound even better.

NessyPerth
August 23rd, 2007, 09:05 PM
i prefer the good ol Mrs Macs Beef Pies

CharmedGirl
August 27th, 2007, 02:00 AM
I'll have to remember that! LOL

Dani
September 10th, 2007, 12:55 AM
I love these too SJ!! They're awsome and you make them sound so sexy. :hellobaby:

Being an American that's never been out of the country I have never had fish n chips. :nah: I have to say it sounds great though. I guess I need to go across the pond and try it huh?

sjwilling
February 2nd, 2008, 05:52 AM
Hmm, or if we're ever down your way I could probably whip them up :biggrin:

The Fish and Chips that is.

S.J.

Dani
February 3rd, 2008, 11:28 PM
Oooh, that sounds good. I'd like to try fish n chips. :biggrin:

sjwilling
February 18th, 2008, 02:43 AM
:notworthy:

Would be an honor to serve you with them. Now all we gotta do is figure out a good reason for us to come stay down there for a few days.

If only I were a famous author, and the publisher paid for my conventions

smilies/cloud9.gif

S.J.

Dani
February 19th, 2008, 01:07 AM
Awww, you'll be famous, don't worry.

sjwilling
February 26th, 2008, 10:14 AM
Fame would be nice... Mmmm I think a five figure royalty check would go down better.

:biggrin:

S.J.

Dani
February 26th, 2008, 03:53 PM
*snorts* Yeah, you and me both want a check that big!

sjwilling
February 26th, 2008, 04:57 PM
If I remember right Nora Roberts movie contracts were six figures.

*sighs*

S.J.

hollie
February 26th, 2008, 05:07 PM
yeh but her films even made telly over here so they were bound to make a lot -I can't beleave we've got something you guys haven't thats got to be a first

sjwilling
February 26th, 2008, 05:39 PM
I think some of them have been done but she signed a whole bunch of contracts a few years back.

S.J.

hollie
February 26th, 2008, 05:42 PM
there was 4 on tele here before christmas

sjwilling
February 29th, 2008, 10:40 PM
They were probably the ones, i've been so tired and overworked the last few years I've kinda lost track of things.

S.j.