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sjwilling
September 14th, 2007, 04:30 PM
A.K.A. How to make a sick-bed visit without eating the staff.<O:p</O:p

<O:p</O:p
It’s been a rough couple of weeks, the demon from hell broke loose and ate your dog, rogue vampires have left bite marks all over your furniture, and there is wolf fur, bullet holes and hair balls coughed up just everywhere. To make things worse, a couple of hours before you were in for the best sex of your life, your girlfriend calls up to let you know said demon, vampire, werewolf, bandito is currently outside her door and slowly breaking it in. So now not only aren’t you going to get your mind blown, in the best sense, you have to go over there and beat the darn thing/person/it into submission and probably end up taking your beloved to the local doc or ER.
<O:p</O:p

Never fear, Agent Double D3 has spent many a medical emergency checking out the best way to behave when your one and only is recovering from bites, scratches, burns, red eyes, blood stains and sore vocal cords from overactive screaming. This little guide gives you the best way to behave during a sick-bed visit or how to hold her hand, and get some…
<O:p</O:p

Agent Double D.3 Reports :

1. Vampire heroes. It is decidedly unbecoming to drool over the blood bag while your heroine is having a transfusion, not to mention that small punctures in the plastic are easily seen and will quickly make a mess on the floor. Note too that removing the dressing and licking the wound is most definitely a faux pas. Unless of course the scratch is situated on the breast or upper thigh, a mere slip of the tongue can then change her oh? to an Ahhhh! P.S. if you have to feed off the nurses make sure it's 250 pound George with the ugly beard. Biting the sweet little thing that changes the bed pan and looks like a seventeen year old angel will normally result in a quick visit to vampire ER for yourself.

2. Werewolf heroes. This can be a very difficult time for our werewolf hero. Firstly, don't ever stay until night time, pets are definitely not allowed within those hallowed halls of medicine. Secondly, yes, they are butt ugly those hospital gowns. And yes, they do show a lot of Butt. No, you are not to go around sniffing everyone's butt. If you really want to mortify your injured beloved and ensure that your wolfy self meets the wrong end of a razor, go ahead and sniff. Don't forget, of course, if you can control yourself your beloved also has nothing on under that skimpy gown…

3. Regency heroes. It's just not the done thing for you guys to get anywhere near a girl in her bed, regardless of her scratches and woes. Then again there's Laudanum. A surreptitious dose of this in the family tea urn will do you a lot of favors at breakfast. Just remember to smile innocently as you pull back the covers to check her bandages because your sisters are unavailable.

4. Scottish historic heroes: Och nay! This is one occasion where lifting your kilt will probably not be effective. Especially since a glimpse of what's there is likely to have caused this entire furor in the first place. Still, with the lack of any decent hospitals you'll likely be caring for the beloved wounded in your own house, with the aid of the local Hedge Healer. Trust me, after coating her with poultices of boiled worms you really won't want to hang around too long in her room. Still, be manly, spare her a few kisses where it matters most and foreswear that every one of her injuries will be revenged forthwith. And, er, about that kilt thingy. Try to keep it under wraps until she's better okay?

5. Contemporary heroes. There is a very great temptation here to help relieve the heroines healing boredom through the use of… yes, toys! Those amazing little buzzy things can work wonders for a gal's morale. Unfortunately this is something you should not do! Why? Rather simple really. That tiny, fits in the hand (and other places) like a glove, and purrs like a kitten, device of delight is still big enough to affect all the delicate electronic machinery on the ward. So if you don't want the Staff Nurse coming in mid-O to discern what's causing all those fuzzy lines on the monitors you really should avoid this tactic. So be inventive, surely God gave you hands didn't he?

6. Fantasy heroes. Fantasy heroines rarely get more than a flesh wound so this is a good time to practice that tough, let's get you fixed up, behavior. Of course your modern day hospital consists of a dark cave that you've recently hand wrestled a bear out of and said bearskin is now the best cover you have for your beloved's recovery bed. It's also known, well to you at least, that the best cure for a sword cut to the leg, and an arrow wound to the side is lots of sex. Well, cave, alone, bearskin cover, naked heroine. Hmm, need I say more. Oh, don't let her cries of agony fool you, they're really just whimpers of desire, and whatever you do don't let her get hold of the gelding knife while you're sleeping…

7. Futuristic/scifi. Wounded, pish, the medical facilities here are so advanced that you're healed even before the gutempahzer hit you. Hospitals only exist for the millenioctagenarians, and your beloved's laser burn through the stomach is a matter of a ten minute regenerative surgery. This means you get lots of time in bed. Well, that is if she ever forgives you for letting her get shot in the first place. Placate her with a small gift of the desiccated gonads of her antagonist, and a few of her favorite toys (yes, they sorted out the toy problem in this day and age.) Hopefully that will bring a smile to her face.

8. Western heroes. Your beloved is a tough old bird. Has to be—doesn't she cook you beans for breakfast? Even so a little sympathy here might be called for. Spending the morning telling her how you took down them durn rustlers isn't going to help her when all she has is a little aspirin to take away the pain of a bullet wound in the shoulder. So make her comfy, smile, talk about little things like your plans together for the future and make her the beans for a while. And if you can get Aunt Josie and Martha May out of the way for a while, well, who knows what you can do in that lovely four poster bed…

Agent Double D.3 Report complete.

Cya on the Interwaves J

Just a wee note on #5. This is based on a true event and happened in one of the wards in the hospital I worked in when I was a nurse in E<?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:country-region w:st="on">ngland</st1:country-region>. So be warned… J

Karenne
September 14th, 2007, 05:26 PM
ROFL

ROFL

ROFL

(wipes eyes)

ROFL

Tricia Jones
September 21st, 2007, 11:57 AM
S.J. You just made my stomach ache more than an hour at my Pilates class!

:lol:

sjwilling
September 21st, 2007, 12:02 PM
:devil:

You see, when it comes down to it I'm totally EVIL.

Mwahahaha

:)

S.J.

Dani
September 21st, 2007, 08:05 PM
This was down right funny as hell! The contemporary heros was the funniest one especially because of this: Unfortunately this is something you should not do! OMG, you would think that they were smart enough to know better!

My sides are hating me for reading this, but it's to good not to read! :roflmao:

sjwilling
September 22nd, 2007, 09:19 AM
:lol:

That particular incident, though twelve years ago, is still one of the favorite topics discussed amongst the nurses.

:)

Hey, nursing is a tough job, we have to make it fun somehow.:gun_bandana:

Of course I can't tell you the half of it... :ph34r:

S.J.

Dani
September 22nd, 2007, 03:46 PM
Trust me, I know nursing is a tough job cause my Mom's a nurse and I was thinking about becoming one, but there's more paperwork these days than patient care (just my opinion because of all the CNA's I see doing the work instead). I've also worked as a unit secretary so I've seen some strange things too. :lol:

sjwilling
September 22nd, 2007, 04:38 PM
The funny thing is most peeps wouldn't beleive it possible what really happens sometimes and if you wrote about it they'd think it was pure fantasy :)

Still, they make good stories to entertain the grandkids (when they get old enough, hehe.)

S.J.

Dani
September 22nd, 2007, 04:42 PM
No one ever wants to believe that things like that could happen in the hospitals. It's funny as hell though.

You're right they will be great stories when the kids get older. :biggrin:

CharmedGirl
September 28th, 2007, 06:47 AM
I've heard some funny nursing stories from one of my friends but I can't tell them here :lol:

sjwilling
September 29th, 2007, 07:24 PM
Hehe we had one young couple in.

Seems they'd decided to make love out in a field which a railway track was running through.

Unfortunately a train came through and blew it's whistle at a crucial moment of the proceedings and the lass's muscles spasmed and locked. The EMS guys had to bring them in, fully interlocked, until the docs could medicate and relax their muscles to separate them.

:)

Don't make love outside without considering the consequences first :lol:

S.J.

CharmedGirl
September 29th, 2007, 08:14 PM
Thanks for the warning I'll have to remember never to make love outside :lol:

Dani
September 29th, 2007, 10:56 PM
OMG! That's way too funny!

My mom once told me about a guy that came in with his member stuck in something, and I can't for the life of me remember what it was, but he had done it on a bet from one of his friends and well...:roflmao:

sjwilling
September 29th, 2007, 11:50 PM
hehe yep it's generally the guys that come in like that :)

S.J.

Dani
September 29th, 2007, 11:52 PM
Morons!!

No offence to you, but they are! :roflmao:

sjwilling
September 30th, 2007, 12:28 AM
Totally agree, some guys don't think with the right head. :lol:

Had one guy burn his wotsits right off by setting it up to an electrical circuit because he'd heard it felt good. Uhm, it didn't feel good ever again. Was only 27 too, had a long time to live without it.

S.J.

CharmedGirl
September 30th, 2007, 12:50 AM
My friend who is a nurse had this guy come in one day and he was trying to do stunts like the guys on that jacka** movie. He did that stunt where they put firecrackers in their a** crack and lit it. When he came in she couldn't stop laughing at the sight in which he came in :lol:

Dani
September 30th, 2007, 12:53 AM
OMG!! Both those guys were idiots!!

What's this world coming to?

CharmedGirl
September 30th, 2007, 12:54 AM
:yes: She pretty much told him he was an idiot as well. :lol:

sjwilling
October 2nd, 2007, 03:11 PM
I think the really funniest one we had was the model for the local art school.

He was a fairly handsome guy (so the nurses assured me) and had to pose naked for the class.

It was a three hour class.

The teacher tried to coax him to take a break every fifteen minutes but after striking his apparently sexy pose, he refused. He had to do it for the art, you see.

It worked fine until two hours into the session where, after having posed in his sexy position for that long, his muscles locked up.

The EMS crew had to wrap a blanket round him and carry him in, in his sexy pose, to ER...

But hey, he did it for the art!

:lol:

S.J.

CharmedGirl
October 6th, 2007, 04:55 AM
It worked fine until two hours into the session where, after having posed in his sexy position for that long, his muscles locked up.

The EMS crew had to wrap a blanket round him and carry him in, in his sexy pose, to ER...

But hey, he did it for the art!

:lol:

S.J.

Hmmm just what muscles locked up? :roflmao:

I bet the female nurses at that hospital loved administering the muscle relaxant drugs :)

Dani
October 6th, 2007, 09:51 PM
What muscles locked up...You are so bad Bec!:roflmao:

I bet he learnd his lesson and started taking breaks after that incident.

CharmedGirl
October 6th, 2007, 09:57 PM
I can't help it I'm actually better at being bad than I am at being good :lol:

sjwilling
October 16th, 2007, 12:16 AM
So Bec you're good at being bad. :) Can't complain about that one.

S.J.

CharmedGirl
October 16th, 2007, 12:37 AM
What is there to complain about. Those octuplets are enjoying themselves :lol:

sjwilling
October 29th, 2007, 09:05 PM
Has very, odd, images of a m/m/m/m/m/m/m/f sex scene.

Whoa, think we need to call EMS?

:)

S.J.

Dani
October 29th, 2007, 11:01 PM
I'm not sure I want to picture that S.J.!! :roflmao:

sjwilling
October 29th, 2007, 11:15 PM
Otherwise known as a male squish

S.J.

Dani
October 29th, 2007, 11:40 PM
Oh, I call it a gang bang. :roflmao:

sjwilling
October 30th, 2007, 12:00 AM
Well that's one at a time, altogether is a squish :)

S.J.

Dani
October 30th, 2007, 12:02 AM
Ahhh, got it!

*shakes head to get rid of mental picture*

That's just too many at once. :whistling:

CharmedGirl
October 30th, 2007, 08:48 PM
I don't think the shaking of the head is going to get rid of the mental image that has been cast into your brain about the group sex.

sjwilling
February 2nd, 2008, 05:48 AM
I don't think the shaking of the head is going to get rid of the mental image that has been cast into your brain about the group sex.

Ah the joys of a squish....

Not that I've tried one, I mean, the evil octuplets told me all about it...

:biggrin:

S.J.