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Laurie2
August 8th, 2008, 08:28 AM
I've been going over some of the exercises and giving lots of feedback so I thought I would add this.

In some workshops people have done this automatically, in others they haven't.

Mastering deep point of view is a hands on thing...and it requires practicing what you have learned. If you have submitted an exercise and I have marked it up, please consider revising according to the feedback and resubmitting. The process of working with the feedback and integrating it into the piece tends to help cement the knowledge and give you a hands on experience which you can use the next time you are working on your manuscript.

Post the revisions under the exercise thread for the exercise you are working on. Currently there is only exercise 1, but we will have additional exercises as we move on.

Cindy Maday
August 10th, 2008, 06:06 PM
Staring at the cottage in front of her, Sherri felt a hunger she had long forgot. Deep within her heart she knew this house even if she was seeing it for the first time. The overgrown grass was mowed in her mind with flowers outlining the bushes and driveway. Hanging baskets adorned the corners of the porch, as well as a wicker table and chairs on the left of the porch and on the right where the porch curves around the side of the building, in her mind she was sitting on a porch swing reading her latest novel. Once glance at the car clock told her she had a few minutes to spare as she moved with the grace of a giraffe moving across the plains when she left the car and headed up the porch. Just enough light graced the windows to show the spaciousness of the great room. Her breath caught as she recognized the white fireplace of her dreams on the wall and anxiously moved around the house peeking in every room, decorating each room she peered at in her imagination. As Sherri came around the back of the house, the bench on the T-shaped pier invited her to go sit cozily watching the birds or tossing a line to catch dinner to cook. Regardless of the grass that was shin height, and the dandelions popping up all over the place making the yard look more like an Illinois prairie rather than a back yard Sherri could see with a garden with a stone path and a stone bench to rest upon in the shade. The smell the lilacs or honeysuckle lilting the air with their fragrance as you walked through. In another corner of the yard was her vegetable garden filled with peppers, tomatoes, squash, and fresh green beans hung from a makeshift fence. Shaking her head in unbelief as she turned toward the house, among the weeds against the house stood a magnificent patio and built in pool. Truly it was the only section of the house that was maintained. Grinning Sherri decided she was going to have a great tan this summer as she floated on a raft sipping Margarita’s in her pool. Lifting her hand she caught the time and hurried on to finish her tour. Rushing on to the patio toward the French doors, Sherri knew exactly what the kitchen would be like as she peeked in and was not disappointed. There were old whitewashed wood cabinets and a big dining area. She could almost smell the fresh lake perch baking in the oven as she rolled out her bread sticks on the counter. Sherri was in love. Not with any man, but for the first time with the idea of a home of her own. Even her old fears of living alone were no longer coursing through her; her stomach wasn’t in knots, as an inner peace settled in. Jumping in her car, she backed up down the driveway, noticing the For Sale sign at the end of the drive. She didn’t even think twice, when she pulled out her cell phone and dialed the number on the sign.
“Good morning. You have reached Shelby and Dombrowski, Attorneys at Law. How may I help you?” said the woman’s voice on the other end of the line.
“My name is Sherri Maloney and I’m calling about the house on Sunrise Lane?” answered Sherri.
“Just one minute Ms. Maloney and I’ll transfer you to Mr. Shelby. Could I have your phone number in case we get disconnected?” Sherri quickly dispensed the information to the woman on the phone before being put on hold.
As she waited for Mr. Shelby, Sherri became frantic as she realized she was waiting to talk to someone about buying the cottage. Oh, my God! I’m losing my mind. Knowing it was too late to hang up as she gave her name and phone number. She looked around for escape knowing all it would take closing her phone. What was she thinking? She didn’t even have a job. She had to be in denial. She put her head down on the steering wheel as if to hide away from the situation when a voice on the end of the phone greeted her, “Ms. Maloney, I understand your calling about the house on Sunrise Lane.”

Laurie2
August 11th, 2008, 11:19 AM
The Original:

Staring at the cottage in front of her, Sherri felt a hunger she had long forgot. Deep within her heart she knew this house even if she was seeing it for the first time. The overgrown grass was mowed in her mind with flowers outlining the bushes and driveway. Hanging baskets adorned the corners of the porch, as well as a wicker table and chairs on the left of the porch and on the right where the porch curves around the side of the building, in her mind she was sitting on a porch swing reading her latest novel. Once glance at the car clock told her she had a few minutes to spare as she moved with the grace of a giraffe moving across the plains when she left the car and headed up the porch. Just enough light graced the windows to show the spaciousness of the great room. Her breath caught as she recognized the white fireplace of her dreams on the wall and anxiously moved around the house peeking in every room, decorating each room she peered at in her imagination. As Sherri came around the back of the house, the bench on the T-shaped pier invited her to go sit cozily watching the birds or tossing a line to catch dinner to cook. Regardless of the grass that was shin height, and the dandelions popping up all over the place making the yard look more like an Illinois prairie rather than a back yard Sherri could see with a garden with a stone path and a stone bench to rest upon in the shade. The smell the lilacs or honeysuckle lilting the air with their fragrance as you walked through. In another corner of the yard was her vegetable garden filled with peppers, tomatoes, squash, and fresh green beans hung from a makeshift fence. Shaking her head in unbelief as she turned toward the house, among the weeds against the house stood a magnificent patio and built in pool. Truly it was the only section of the house that was maintained. Grinning Sherri decided she was going to have a great tan this summer as she floated on a raft sipping Margarita’s in her pool. Lifting her hand she caught the time and hurried on to finish her tour. Rushing on to the patio toward the French doors, Sherri knew exactly what the kitchen would be like as she peeked in and was not disappointed. There were old whitewashed wood cabinets and a big dining area. She could almost smell the fresh lake perch baking in the oven as she rolled out her bread sticks on the counter. Sherri was in love. Not with any man, but for the first time with the idea of a home of her own. Even her old fears of living alone were no longer coursing through her; her stomach wasn’t in knots, as an inner peace settled in. Jumping in her car, she backed up down the driveway, noticing the For Sale sign at the end of the drive. She didn’t even think twice, when she pulled out her cell phone and dialed the number on the sign.
“Good morning. You have reached Shelby and Dombrowski, Attorneys at Law. How may I help you?” said the woman’s voice on the other end of the line.
“My name is Sherri Maloney and I’m calling about the house on Sunrise Lane?” answered Sherri.
“Just one minute Ms. Maloney and I’ll transfer you to Mr. Shelby. Could I have your phone number in case we get disconnected?” Sherri quickly dispensed the information to the woman on the phone before being put on hold.
As she waited for Mr. Shelby, Sherri became frantic as she realized she was waiting to talk to someone about buying the cottage. Oh, my God! I’m losing my mind. Knowing it was too late to hang up as she gave her name and phone number. She looked around for escape knowing all it would take closing her phone. What was she thinking? She didn’t even have a job. She had to be in denial. She put her head down on the steering wheel as if to hide away from the situation when a voice on the end of the phone greeted her, “Ms. Maloney, I understand your calling about the house on Sunrise Lane.”



The Mark Up:

Staring at the cottage in front of her, Sherri felt a hunger she had long forgot. [if the hunger is long forgotten then it is growing, resurging, awakening...all motions. It is a good idea to show things in motion. She felt hunger that had been buried stir within her is stronger. It shows an experience in motion...which is good for your reader. Most feelings and experiences happen in motion...amongst many other things. Most of us do not stop moving, thinking, doing other things when we experience things.]Deep within her heart she knew this house even if she was seeing it for the first time. [I'm not sure here whether she KNOWS THIS house, or whether it is a house like this one that she knows. In other words, is it a dream house, or is this a house she lived in a long time ago or in another life? The experience isn't clear...she knew this house in her heart doesn't show me the experience...enough to make it clear.] The overgrown grass was mowed in her mind with flowers outlining the bushes and driveway. [I am still not sure of her experience here...in her mind the grass was mowed...and there were flowers...is this her dream for the house because it is her dream house or is it a long ago memory? You need to be much more clear about the reality of her experience. Show me where the images in her mind come from...imagination? Like a memory she could almost remember but not quite remember? A vague sense of having been here before but when the place looked much different? Tie the details to the character...so that she is relating very specifically to the details.] Hanging baskets adorned the corners of the porch, as well as a wicker table and chairs on the left of the porch and on the right where the porch curves around the side of the building, in her mind she was sitting on a porch swing reading her latest novel. [This goes into the realm of too many details because the details aren't anchored to the character's experience of them closely enough. If the scene is her imagining her dreamhouse then show me the scene that way. Telling me what she would do to change the appearance of the house. If it is something else then show me the details as memory that she interacts with...if it is a memory of a past home or a past life how does the feeling of dejavu effect her? If it is a dream house what is it about this house that is different than all the others on the block? You need to make the details Sherri's details with Sherri reacting to them emotionally and mentally.] Once glance at the car clock [Is she late for an appointment? If it is just the dark encroaching then a glance at the sun dipping behind the trees would be more effective] told her she had a few minutes to spare [Would break the sentence here. There is a lot crammed into the sentence otherwise.] as she moved with the grace of a giraffe moving across the plains when she left the car and headed up the porch. [You can safely feed in just a tidbit of detail here as she climbs the steps to the porch or follows the curving walkway or whatever. She should feel something as she does this though] Just enough light graced the windows to show the spaciousness of the great room. Her breath caught as she recognized the white fireplace of her dreams [Is this dream like a reoccurring dream or dream like a fantasy? Your details and her interaction with them should be showing this...should be answering the question. That it's not means you have work to do on her reactions to the details] on the wall and anxiously moved around the house peeking in every room, decorating each room she peered at in her imagination. As Sherri came around the back of the house, the bench on the T-shaped pier invited her to go sit cozily [This makes it sound like she is going to go there and do that now...I think what you mean is she could imagine herself sitting there watching the birds or fishing] watching the birds or tossing a line to catch dinner to cook. Regardless of the grass that was shin height, and the dandelions popping up all over the place making the yard look more like an Illinois prairie rather than a back yard Sherri could see with a garden with a stone path and a stone bench to rest upon in the shade. The smell the lilacs or honeysuckle lilting the air with their fragrance as you walked through. In another corner of the yard was her vegetable garden filled with peppers, tomatoes, squash, and fresh green beans hung from a makeshift fence. Shaking her head in unbelief as she turned toward the house, among the weeds against the house stood a magnificent patio and built in pool. Truly it was the only section of the house that was maintained. Grinning Sherri decided she was going to have a great tan this summer as she floated on a raft sipping Margarita’s in her pool. Lifting her hand she caught the time and hurried on to finish her tour. Rushing on to the patio toward the French doors, Sherri knew exactly what the kitchen would be like as she peeked in and was not disappointed. There were old whitewashed wood cabinets and a big dining area. She could almost smell the fresh lake perch baking in the oven as she rolled out her bread sticks on the counter. [You are in real detail overload here. There are so many details that as a reader I am almost dizzy they have come so fast and furious. I think you need to pick a few really iconic details and have Sherri interact with those specific details...so that when she imagines the garden or pool she has an emotional reaction to what she imagines. There are too many details and her interaction/emotional/mental response to the details is not strong enough. It slows the pace. You need to motivate Sherri to buy this house and then move on to the rest of the story.] Sherri was in love. Not with any man, but for the first time with the idea of a home of her own. Even her old fears of living alone were no longer coursing through her; her stomach wasn’t in knots, as an inner peace settled in. [This is strong. This is good. This is her motivation for jumping into buying a house when she doesn't have a job.] Jumping in her car, she backed up down the driveway, noticing the For Sale sign at the end of the drive. She didn’t even think twice, when [before] she pulled out her cell phone and dialed the number on the sign.
“Good morning. You have reached Shelby and Dombrowski, Attorneys at Law. How may I help you?” said the woman’s voice on the other end of the line.
“My name is Sherri Maloney and I’m calling about the house on Sunrise Lane? [no question mark...it's a statement]” answered Sherri.
“Just one minute Ms. Maloney and I’ll transfer you to Mr. Shelby. Could I have your phone number in case we get disconnected?” Sherri quickly dispensed the information to the woman on the phone before being put on hold.
As she waited for Mr. Shelby, Sherri became frantic [frantic might be an overstatement as you haven't shown frantic. ]as she realized she was waiting to talk to someone about buying the cottage. Oh, my God! I’m losing my mind. Knowing it was too late to hang up as she gave [had already given] her name and phone number. She looked around for escape knowing all it would take [was] closing her phone. What was she thinking? She didn’t even have a job. She had to be in denial. She put her head down on the steering wheel as if to hide away [away is a word which adds nothing...so it slows your pace.] from the situation when a voice on the end of the phone greeted her, “Ms. Maloney, I understand your [you're] calling about the house on Sunrise Lane.”

Cindy Maday
August 12th, 2008, 02:26 PM
Pulling into the driveway Sherri stared at the cottage in front of her. How long had she dreamed of a home like this? Forever it would seem, yet she had not thought about the reality of that home existing anywhere other than in her imagination. Yet, here sat a white colonial two story cottage. Assessing the house as if this house was already hers she began making a list of things she would change. She decided she would put shutters around the windows. Where the porch turned and circled aroung the side of the house, Sherri pictured a hanging porch swing, where she imagined her self sitting on a warm summer evening, fire flies lighting up the porch as they circled around, the sun slowly making it’s descent as she sat reading her current novel. Hope began to fill her heart, a hope Sherri never thought she would feel again, a hope of being able to face her fears of living alone and just know that she can make it on her own. Even as she jumped out of the car, strolling through the overgrown lawn towards the porch to peek in the windows, a part of her still wanted to pull back and wait for Prince Charming to come along. Of course, she chuckled; there was still the fact that she wouldn’t let Prince Charming near her until she fulfilled the goal of making it on her own. There was little doubt in her mind that this was the house that lived in her dreams for the past twenty or so years. She felt excitement build inside her as her heart told her brain that this was a sign, the time and place for her new beginning. As she dreamed of her new life in this house, coming around the front she noticed the For Sale sign. Hopping in the car, she pulled out her cell phone, flipped the lid and dialed the number on the sign. <O:p></O:p>
“Good morning! You have reached Shelby and Dombowski, Attorneys at Law! How may I help you?” asked the cheerful voice on the other end of the phone.<O:p></O:p>
“My name is Sherri Maloney and I’m calling about the house on Sunrise Lane,” answered Sherri.<O:p></O:p>
“Just one minute, Ms. Maloney and I’ll transfer you to Mr. Shelby right away. Could I have your phone number in case we get disconnected? Sherri quickly dispensed the information to the woman on the phone before being put on hold.<O:p></O:p>
As Sherri waited for Mr. Shelby to come on the phone, a sinking feeling of mortification, fear, and embarrassment encased her insides. What am I doing? I don’t even have a job. Not to mention the money to put down on this house. Looking around for an escape route, she suddenly heard a male voice vibrate through the phone, “Ms. Maloney, I understand you’re calling about the house on Sunrise Lane." <O:p></O:p>

Laurie2
August 14th, 2008, 01:32 PM
Pulling into the driveway Sherri stared at the cottage in front of her. How long had she dreamed of a home like this? Forever it would seem, yet she had not thought about the reality of that home existing anywhere other than in her imagination. Yet, here sat a white colonial two story cottage. Assessing the house as if this house was already hers she began making a list of things she would change. She decided she would put shutters around the windows. Where the porch turned and circled aroung the side of the house, Sherri pictured a hanging porch swing, where she imagined her self sitting on a warm summer evening, fire flies lighting up the porch as they circled around, the sun slowly making it’s descent as she sat reading her current novel. Hope began to fill her heart, a hope Sherri never thought she would feel again, a hope of being able to face her fears of living alone and just know that she can make it on her own. Even as she jumped out of the car, strolling through the overgrown lawn towards the porch to peek in the windows, a part of her still wanted to pull back and wait for Prince Charming to come along. Of course, she chuckled; there was still the fact that she wouldn’t let Prince Charming near her until she fulfilled the goal of making it on her own. There was little doubt in her mind that this was the house that lived in her dreams for the past twenty or so years. She felt excitement build inside her as her heart told her brain that this was a sign, the time and place for her new beginning. As she dreamed of her new life in this house, coming around the front she noticed the For Sale sign. Hopping in the car, she pulled out her cell phone, flipped the lid and dialed the number on the sign.
<O:p</O:p
“Good morning! You have reached Shelby and Dombowski, Attorneys at Law! How may I help you?” asked the cheerful voice on the other end of the phone.
<O:p</O:p
“My name is Sherri Maloney and I’m calling about the house on Sunrise Lane,” answered Sherri.
<O:p</O:p
“Just one minute, Ms. Maloney and I’ll transfer you to Mr. Shelby right away. Could I have your phone number in case we get disconnected? Sherri quickly dispensed the information to the woman on the phone before being put on hold.
<O:p</O:p
As Sherri waited for Mr. Shelby to come on the phone, a sinking feeling of mortification, fear, and embarrassment encased her insides. What am I doing? I don’t even have a job. Not to mention the money to put down on this house. Looking around for an escape route, she suddenly heard a male voice vibrate through the phone, “Ms. Maloney, I understand you’re calling about the house on Sunrise Lane." <O:p></O:p>


The Mark Up:

Pulling into the driveway Sherri stared at the cottage in front of her. How long had she dreamed of a home like this? [Much better job anchoring the reader in the character's experience] Forever it would seem, yet she had not thought about the reality of that home existing anywhere other than in her imagination. Yet, here sat a white colonial two story cottage. Assessing the house as if this house was already hers she began making a list of things she would change. She decided she would put shutters around the windows. Where the porch turned and circled aroung [around] the side of the house, Sherri pictured a hanging porch swing, where she imagined her self sitting on a warm summer evening, fire flies lighting up the porch as they circled around [could delete around], the sun slowly making it’s descent as she sat reading her current novel. Hope began to fill her heart, a hope Sherri [had] never thought she would feel again, a hope of being able to face her fears of living alone and just know that she can make it on her own. [This is a little rough...it doesn't carry the reader smoothly into the experience. Tie her experience back to the house. As she looked at the wide porch the hope that she could face her fear and live alone begain to stir to life within her.] Even as she jumped out of the car, strolling through the overgrown lawn towards the porch to peek in the windows, a part of her still wanted to pull back and wait for Prince Charming to come along. Of course, she chuckled; there was still the fact that she wouldn’t let Prince Charming near her until she fulfilled the goal of making it on her own. There was little doubt in her mind that this was the house that lived in her dreams for the past twenty or so years. [This is not clear...be more precise about those dreams...were they real dreams she had at night or something she wished for? I'm uncertain whether it is THIS specific house she has dreamed of or whether it is a house LIKE this house. See if you can be a bit more specific and if you can carry the reader a bit more smoothly through her dreams and her thoughts of them here.] She felt excitement build inside her as her heart told her brain that this was a sign, the time and place for her new beginning. [You need to anchor the emotional details to the physical ones. As she gazed at the arched doorway she realized the gentle brick lined curve around the door was familiar.] As she dreamed of her new life in this house, coming around the front she noticed the For Sale sign. Hopping in the car, she pulled out her cell phone, flipped the lid and dialed the number on the sign. [You've used dreamed a lot. Try using other words like fantasy...as she thought about the new start she'd have here...etc...]

“Good morning! You have reached Shelby and Dombowski, Attorneys at Law! How may I help you?” asked the cheerful voice on the other end of the phone.
<O:p
“My name is Sherri Maloney and I’m calling about the house on Sunrise Lane,” answered Sherri.
“Just one minute, Ms. Maloney and I’ll transfer you to Mr. Shelby right away. Could I have your phone number in case we get disconnected? Sherri quickly dispensed the information to the woman on the phone before being put on hold.[I][You might be able to summarize this a bit. It depends on how important this conversation is. You might just use a transition to jump over this dialogue. Unless the lawyer is the hero you don't really need to cover the whole conversation in detail.]<O:p
<O:p
As Sherri waited for Mr. Shelby to come on the phone, a sinking feeling of mortification, fear, and embarrassment encased her insides. What am I doing? I don’t even have a job. Not to mention the money to put down on this house. Looking around for an escape route, she suddenly heard a male voice vibrate through the phone, “Ms. Maloney, I understand you’re calling about the house on Sunrise Lane." [I'm not marking this for summarization because the fact that she is looking for a house and doesn't have a job seems to move the plot forward. I also wonder here if Mr. Shelby is the hero.]

[This is in general much improved, especially the early portion. One thing you need to watch out for is that you are carrying the reader smoothly through the scene. You do this by showing thoughts and feelings very clearly and by giving the character props with which to interact...so that she is not standing in the light of a spotlight on a stage but is interacting with with her environment...her noticing details about the house...and that being tied to a feeling or a thought ties it all together, creating a unified experience that flows, carrying the reader along.