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View Full Version : Exercise 3 -- Smooth Viewpoint Shift -- Signal -- Anchor -- Pass The Baton



Laurie2
August 18th, 2008, 03:37 PM
This exercise is intended for those who either change viewpoints mid scene/chapter or for those who want to develop the skill to do so.

For this exercise I do not need to see examples/exercises where you use the three or four asterisks on a line method of signaling a viewpoint change. I expect everyone knows that method already. The purpose of this exercise is to perfect the signal, anchor, pass the viewpoint form of changing viewpoint.

Please go back and read the previous post on Signaling, Anchoring, and Passing the Baton prior to doing this exercise.

For this exercise I would like to see a maximum of six paragraphs. I would like you to change viewpoint somewhere within the six paragraph sample, using the signal, anchor, and pass the viewpoint method outlined in the previous post on signaling, anchoring, and passing the baton.

Jean Kelli
August 22nd, 2008, 03:02 PM
Cami heightened her posture another notch and searched Marios's face, trying to find the mockery that she sensed in his tone. But he only appeared serious, intent, professional.
"Your acceptance of the board position at Petrakis Enterprises was your decision to make, Cami. It was a savvy choice," he said smoothly.
"As though I had a choice," she replied, eyebrows raised.
Marios flashed a sideways grin, exposing gleaming white teeth. "You make it sound like a death sentence," he chaffed.
She ignored the obvious charm in his sideways grin. "Well...as I said on the phone, I appreciate the offer and that is why I've accepted. My interest is in preserving The Swanson, and so...what other option do I have really."
She knew that her election to the Petrakis board was merely good PR for Petrakis Enterprises, and the tiny leg it gave her to stand on was bitter-sweet at best.
Marios brought his hand to his chin, tapping his lower lip with his finger. He was caught off guard by Cami's complete lack of pretense. There seemed to be no strategy in her manner or speech. Nor in her presentation--she wore only a long, plain brown dress, no makeup, no jewelry. And her incessant fidgeting broke the focus of his professional eye contact, to where he found himself taking inventory of her undeniably desirable shape. Full, rounded, luscious, she was all nerves and curves and this activated some dormant, visceral urge within him.
Distracting himself from such thoughts, he turned his head and gave a nod toward the archway that entered into the main part of the home. Then he motioned his hand out in a gesture that told Cami she would be giving him that tour now.
"Shall we?" he said in a non-rhetorical tone. She said nothing, only slowly pivoted on her heels and began walking. Marios followed her, his eyes struck for a moment on the unkempt, silky auburn waves flowing from her head and ending just above her shoulders. Luscious. Just like the rest of her.
Marios shook his head, laughing at himself. Not like him. Not like him at all. On principle, he never mixed business with pleasure. It simply was not professional. He'd fired many employees for breaking this particular Petrakis principle. Plain and simple, business suffered when sex entered the equation.
As Cami led Marios down the hallway, her footsteps made quiet by the red carpet, she could feel the weight of his presence behind her. Butterflies filled her stomach. It was humiliating sharing something that she loved, and in her heart still possessed, with this cold, shrewd suit.

lindajo
August 25th, 2008, 07:14 PM
Hearing the car pulling into the driveway, Mary opened up the front door and watched Carrie get out of the passenger side of the vehicle. How dare Carrie come here! Mary grew rigid with tension and an anger so fierce, that when she remembered it later, surprised her. Her usuall calm demenor was gone as she stomped down her porcch steps and came within a few inches of Carrie's face.
"Get off my property right now!" Mary ordered, pointing the way.
"Not until I get my daughter!" Carrie fired back, her blue eyes blazing.
"You've haven't seen you daughter for an entire year! You've been in and out of her life like a yo-yo for the past nine years. You're not taking her!" Mary's arms were stiff at her side, yet instintivley, she felt her fists double and tighten. I want to hit her so bad. She'd like that though and would press charges in a flat second. Mary felt two hands land gently on her shoulders from behind her as the reassuring voice from her husband stated, "go in the house and call 911." His hands gently turned her body and Mary stomped back into the house.

Jack watched Mary until she was out of view then turned his attention back to the intruder. He crossed his arms, glaring at Carrie, but his thoughts returned to his wife. In the twenty years they had been together, he had never seen her so angry. Who was that woman? His stomach felt heavy from anxiety as he wondered what would happen to the family now, with Carrie back in town.

Laurie2
August 26th, 2008, 09:12 PM
Cami heightened her posture another notch and searched Marios's face, trying to find the mockery that she sensed in his tone. But he only appeared serious, intent, professional.
"Your acceptance of the board position at Petrakis Enterprises was your decision to make, Cami. It was a savvy choice," he said smoothly.
"As though I had a choice," she replied, eyebrows raised.
Marios flashed a sideways grin, exposing gleaming white teeth. "You make it sound like a death sentence," he chaffed.
She ignored the obvious charm in his sideways grin. "Well...as I said on the phone, I appreciate the offer and that is why I've accepted. My interest is in preserving The Swanson, and so...what other option do I have really."
She knew that her election to the Petrakis board was merely good PR for Petrakis Enterprises, and the tiny leg it gave her to stand on was bitter-sweet at best.
Marios brought his hand to his chin, tapping his lower lip with his finger. He was caught off guard by Cami's complete lack of pretense. There seemed to be no strategy in her manner or speech. Nor in her presentation--she wore only a long, plain brown dress, no makeup, no jewelry. And her incessant fidgeting broke the focus of his professional eye contact, to where he found himself taking inventory of her undeniably desirable shape. Full, rounded, luscious, she was all nerves and curves and this activated some dormant, visceral urge within him.
Distracting himself from such thoughts, he turned his head and gave a nod toward the archway that entered into the main part of the home. Then he motioned his hand out in a gesture that told Cami she would be giving him that tour now.
"Shall we?" he said in a non-rhetorical tone. She said nothing, only slowly pivoted on her heels and began walking. Marios followed her, his eyes struck for a moment on the unkempt, silky auburn waves flowing from her head and ending just above her shoulders. Luscious. Just like the rest of her.
Marios shook his head, laughing at himself. Not like him. Not like him at all. On principle, he never mixed business with pleasure. It simply was not professional. He'd fired many employees for breaking this particular Petrakis principle. Plain and simple, business suffered when sex entered the equation.
As Cami led Marios down the hallway, her footsteps made quiet by the red carpet, she could feel the weight of his presence behind her. Butterflies filled her stomach. It was humiliating sharing something that she loved, and in her heart still possessed, with this cold, shrewd suit.


The Mark Up:

Cami heightened her posture another notch and searched Marios's face, trying to find ...maybe pinpoint the mockery that she sensed in his tone. But he only appeared serious, intent, professional.

"Your acceptance of the board position at Petrakis Enterprises was your decision to make, Cami. It was a savvy choice," he said smoothly.

"As though I had a choice," she replied, eyebrows raised. [WHOSE VIEWPOINT IS THIS SECTION IN? There is no sense of who is EXPERIENCING this dialogue. You have created the choreography and the lines of the scene...that part is fine. What is missing is the EXPERIENCE of the character. Surely what Marios is thinking through this exchange is different than what Cami is thinking and feeling throughout this exchange. Whose viewpoint do you want to use? Whose experience is more emotional? Whose experience leads you to the next turning point? Whose experience do you want the reader to have?]

Marios flashed a sideways grin, exposing gleaming white teeth. "You make it sound like a death sentence," he chaffed. [Again...he's flashing grin and exposing white teeth...if the scene is in her viewpoint then she needs a response to the teeth...if you are in his viewpoint then what is he thinking that is causing him to flash gleaming teeth around?]

She ignored the obvious charm in his sideways grin. "Well...as I said on the phone, I appreciate the offer and that is why I've accepted. My interest is in preserving The Swanson, and so...what other option do I have really." [Again...who is experiencing this? It's lines on a stage...but no one is experiencing. If this is in her viewpoint then the dialogue is accompanied by some emotion. She's pushed against the wall and has taken the board position...what does she FEEL about that? What does she FEEL about the whole situation? If you are in his viewpoint, does he notice that she is ignoring his charm? Does he feel guilty that he has pushed her into the corner? Is he affected by the tone of her voice?]

She knew that her election to the Petrakis board was merely good PR for Petrakis Enterprises, and the tiny leg it gave her to stand on was bitter-sweet at best.

Marios brought his hand to his chin, tapping his lower lip with his finger. He was caught off guard by Cami's complete lack of pretense. There seemed to be no strategy in her manner or speech. Nor in her presentation--she wore only a long, plain brown dress, no makeup, no jewelry. And her incessant fidgeting broke the focus of his professional eye contact, to where [the point] he found himself taking inventory of her undeniably desirable shape. Full, rounded, luscious, she was all nerves [the nerves part throws me a bit here. I understand full, rounded, lucious, curves, they all go together. Nerves doesn't really fit in the same basket.] and curves and this activated some dormant, visceral urge within him.

Distracting himself from such thoughts, he turned his head and gave a nod toward the archway that entered into the main part of the home. Then he motioned his hand out in a gesture that told Cami [You are still in his point of view so he can't know the gesture would tell Cami anything. It could be a gesture designed to tell Cami she would be...] she would be giving him that tour now.
"Shall we?" he said in a non-rhetorical tone. She said nothing, only slowly pivoted on her heels and began walking. Marios followed her, his eyes struck [gaze stuck maybe -- eyes struck or eyse stuck conjurs different images.] for a moment on the unkempt, silky auburn waves flowing from her head and ending just above her shoulders. Luscious. Just like the rest of her.

Marios shook his head, laughing at himself. Not like him. Not like him at all. On principle, he never mixed business with pleasure. It simply was not professional. He'd fired many employees for breaking this particular Petrakis principle. Plain and simple, business suffered when sex entered the equation.

As Cami led Marios down the hallway, her footsteps made quiet by the red carpet, she could feel [good viewpoint handoff.] the weight of his presence behind her. Butterflies filled her stomach. [Butterflies seem a strange thing to feel if she is humiliated.] It was humiliating sharing something that she loved, and in her heart still possessed, with this cold, shrewd suit.

Laurie2
August 26th, 2008, 09:29 PM
Hearing the car pulling into the driveway, Mary opened up the front door and watched Carrie get out of the passenger side of the vehicle. How dare Carrie come here! Mary grew rigid with tension and an anger so fierce, that when she remembered it later, surprised her. Her usuall calm demenor was gone as she stomped down her porcch steps and came within a few inches of Carrie's face.
"Get off my property right now!" Mary ordered, pointing the way.
"Not until I get my daughter!" Carrie fired back, her blue eyes blazing.
"You've haven't seen you daughter for an entire year! You've been in and out of her life like a yo-yo for the past nine years. You're not taking her!" Mary's arms were stiff at her side, yet instintivley, she felt her fists double and tighten. I want to hit her so bad. She'd like that though and would press charges in a flat second. Mary felt two hands land gently on her shoulders from behind her as the reassuring voice from her husband stated, "go in the house and call 911." His hands gently turned her body and Mary stomped back into the house.

Jack watched Mary until she was out of view then turned his attention back to the intruder. He crossed his arms, glaring at Carrie, but his thoughts returned to his wife. In the twenty years they had been together, he had never seen her so angry. Who was that woman? His stomach felt heavy from anxiety as he wondered what would happen to the family now, with Carrie back in town.


The Mark Up:

Hearing the car pulling into the driveway, Mary opened up the front door and watched Carrie get out of the passenger side of the vehicle. How dare Carrie [she would work better here...using Carrie's name again is a bit jarring.] come here! Mary grew rigid with tension and an anger so fierce, that when she remembered it later, surprised her. [SHOW ME DON'T TELL ME. Show me tension invading Mary's body...How does it feel? Where does it go? Where does she FEEL the tension? What does it FEEL like?] Her usuall [usual] calm demenor was gone [show me what happens to the calm demeanor...start above with the tension...then show me the fiery temper overwhelming the normal calm demeanor. How does that happen? Fast? Slow?] as she stomped down her porcch steps and came within a few inches of Carrie's face. [You're missing some choreography here...if she stomps down the steps and to within inches of Carrie's face, where is Carrie? What is she doing? Is she coming toward Mary? Is she leaning on the car? Does Mary immediately get her face next to Carrie's face or does that happen more as tempers flare?]
"Get off my property right now!" Mary ordered, pointing the way.

"Not until I get my daughter!" Carrie fired back, her blue eyes blazing. [You need to show the eyes blazing through Mary's perception. I would expect that there would be other things that Mary would experience here too. Besides eyes blazing, what else is Carrie doing? Is she standing still? Is she standing arms at her side or is she pointing at Mary's chest? Are her hands balled at her sides? There is a lot you can show in the exchange that hasn't been shown. What is Mary feeling as she faces Carrie? Is she worrying she is home alone? Is she worrying the daughter Carrie is after will wake up from her nap? What is going on emotionally/mentally with Mary?]

"You've haven't seen you daughter for an entire year!
You've been in and out of her life like a yo-yo for the past nine years. You're not taking her!" Mary's arms were stiff at her side, yet instintivley, she felt her fists double and tighten. I want to hit her so bad. She'd like that though and would press charges in a flat second. Mary felt two hands land gently on her shoulders from behind her as the reassuring voice from her husband stated, "go in the house and call 911." His hands gently turned her body and Mary stomped back into the house. [What is her emotional reaction when she feels his hands on her shoulders? Does she feel reassured? Safe? Or does her husband's presence ratchet things up another notch?]

Jack watched Mary until she was out of view then turned his attention back to the intruder. [Good hand off of the viewpoint.] He crossed his arms, glaring at Carrie, but his thoughts returned to his wife. In the twenty years they had been together, he had never seen her so angry. Who was that woman? [Which woman? Mary angry? It's kind of a jarring question...it leaves the reader hanging. I would delete it.] His stomach felt heavy from anxiety as he wondered what would happen to the family now, with Carrie back in town.