Reading Your Heroes Right
A.K.A. What’s between the covers?
It’s one of those dreary days when you want to curl up on the couch, warmed in front of the fire, snuggle in your sweet heart’s arms as you relax, chill out, and read a book before you retire to a nice cozy bed and several hours—no—days, worth of hot, sweaty delights. But, wait, what does your lover read? What books turn him on and which books douse his tally-whacker faster than a sausage slicer on speed?
Never fear Agent Double D.3 has risked life, limb and reading glasses to bring you this ultimate guide on picking your partner’s perusal, or berating your boyfriend’s browse. Latinize your verbs, and conjugate your conjugals with this nifty, splifty Agent Double D.3 report on What’s Between the Covers.
Agent Double D.3 Reports :
1. Vampire heroes. Now, a lot of folks make the mistake of thinking a recent copy of Blood Analysts Digest will make their vampire lover drool, and rip their panties off in a frenzy of grateful lust. Okay, this works, provided the magazine comes free with a pint or two of the cabernet liquid. But if you really want to make him come in his pants hunt down a copy or two of the ancient arcane works. Preferably hand written in Latin by an early Byzantine wizard. Do this for him and it’s guaranteed you’ll never wear panties again.
2. Werewolf heroes. Every werewolf knows that life is far too short to spend time reading, even if it’s a prelude to the hottest sex he’s ever going to have. So, trick him into a little bit of snuggle time by accidentally leaving out your latest copy of Hunting Times, particularly the ones with the goriest pictures. Just don’t look at them yourself and who knows, in a mere matter of minutes you could easily be discussing the speed of his amazing panty removing skills as he finds something far more tasty to devour…
3. Regency heroes. Trust me gals, regency men are brought up to be fair, decent and kind to all women. Which is why, when you hand him a copy of the latest erotic masterpiece, make sure it has a false Jane Austen cover. Just daintily hand him this tidbit halfway through luncheon, then retire to the local gazebo, pantyless, and await your just desires.
4. Scottish historic heroes: Books? You’re going to give him books! What’s a book got to do with what’s under his sporran. There isn’t any way a book is going to make his claymore any better, and there’s certainly no excitement in reading like there is in bashing up a rival clan. The only men your beloved knows that reads books are all wearing dresses and live in the monastery with no women, sex or booze. Just like, give up on the idea okay, and head straight for the losing the panties part, you’ll both find it a lot more fun.
5. Contemporary heroes. A well rounded contemporary hero will have a library full of classics, modern classics and just about one of every type of book available—including some of the better sex position guides. Well, girl, what are you waiting for? Grab you a copy of the latest Better Panty Free Sex Positions, and assume the pose. Well, the rest of it will come naturally.
6. Fantasy heroes. The trickiest part of getting a book for your fantasy lover lies in killing the deer. Then skinning the poor thing, cleaning the hide, tanning, stretching, softening, smoothing, glazing it. Followed by another six weeks of collecting ash, guar gum, dried squid ink sacks and grinding said ingredients into a paste which you can then write onto the smooth, rolled up leather parchment using your specially fashioned goose quills. Of course you can always resort to the fantasy favorite of telling each other stories around the camp fire. Make sure yours includes a short account of the panties you’re no longer wearing…
7. Futuristic/scifi heroes. Futuristic/SF man doesn’t need to read. Just download one of your favorite erotica porno vids to his cerebral flash card while you remove your panties. After all time is short, why waste it?
8. Western heroes. Okay… This is a hard nut to crack since your average cowboy is only slightly more literate than the Scottish historic hero. The extent of most cowboy’s reading skill is limited to the pictures on the latest wanted posters. For this rough and ready guy, if you want him to really loop your goose and pump your panties, then send his trail cook an encyclopedic cookbook for beans. Make sure you do this just before he sets out on a cattle drive, otherwise sleeping out under the stars for a couple of months is recommended.
Agent Double D.3 Report complete.
Cya on the Interwaves