The best day to stay in bed.
A.K.A. Who’s your April fool?
So you wake up, lying in bed, reveling in the feel of sunlight warming your skin as you drowsily remember the torrid lovemaking from last night. A familiar tingle from head to toe rocks your body as you think of starting again where you left off. So you roll over to cuddle—a trout, sheep, sack of beans. Too late! You finally remember this is April Fool’s day, and your sweetheart is nothing, if not a fool.
Never fear Agent Double D.3 has risked life, limb and practical jokes to bring you this ultimate guide on how to spot the tricky traps, jocular japes and nifty nasties that only those of a heroic disposition can make. Be prepared to counter these and other April Atrocities of Mess Distraction with Agent Double D.3’s report on Who’s Your April Fool.
Agent Double D.3 reports
1. Vampire heroes. Vampire heroes have two things in their life they love more than you. Blood and fangs. So, you have to reckon if they’re going to pull a stunt on April 1st it will revolve around these two. At no time today say anything to lover like “Bite my ass,” or “You’re a pain in the butt!” Check every chair, bed, toilet seat in the house to ensure his spare pair of fangs aren’t out to get you. And please don’t fall for the old “If I don’t bite you it’ll turn blue and explode” trick. If you are unfortunate enough to be caught out by any of these low life jokes then a little accidental introduction of superglue to his toothpaste will take care of his “inclinations”. At least until he’s had radical oral surgery.
2. Werewolf heroes. Driven by the baser instincts werewolves tend to go for the simpler tricks. Little things like fresh intestines in the lingerie drawer, decapitated rabbit heads in the teapot and clawmarks on the priceless antique Victorian dresser. This over boisterous energy of your hairy April Foolster can be controlled through the judicial use of kibble and bits, a hole in the fence just big enough for the kibbles to tempt his head through and six cans of fast setting, feels like cement, hair spray. Once it has rained a few weeks and his fur has softened enough for him to break free of the planks, April and your prankster problems will be well and truly over. If it never rains in your part of the country, well that’s one difficulty you won’t have to deal with again.
3. Regency heroes. Regency heroes are, by nature, very restrained in their jesting. Be prepared to find such niceties as sneezing powder in the handkerchiefs he lends you, or the surreptitious loosening of your horse’s girth just before you mount. And if your lavender water smells like Eau de Skunk look no further. The only cure for this kind of behavior is to remove your panties and lure the said sweetheart to your boudoir. There, while he is de-clothed and protuberant, slip a spiked cock-cage onto his member, swallowing the key in the following confusion. (Ensure that sufficient silk stockings are available to stuff into his mouth and hence stifle the scream he emits at your sudden playfulness.) This practice should remind him how awful it is to tease a delicate young gentlelady with his awful japes.
4. Scottish historic heroes: Now, only a little less coarse in his sense of humor than the werewolf hero, the Scottish lad will delight in accidentally tipping you into the local, sub-zero, loch. All to the delight of his friends, of course, and the chance of seeing your frozen nipples nearly bursting through your chemise. (Yep, he’d even steal you from your bed to do this.) Don’t allow him, or his friends, hysterical laughter to spark your notorious temper tantrum. Simply invite them all to dinner the following day and provide them with your own, special home made senna pod haggis. Remember, after sending them home, to lock the door to you outhouse for a week or two.
5. Contemporary heroes. Okay lass, you’re in trouble. With the “let’s take April 1<SUP>st</SUP> too far” mentality in this day and age you’ve got to expect at least one whoopee cushion under your mother’s favorite chair. And that’s if you’re lucky enough not to have the handles fall off your purse, the heels snap off your shoes, your panties suddenly all crotchless and finding one of your clothes pegs missing just before seeing your cat walking cross-legged across the room and mewling pitifully. Hey, practical jokes work both ways. Send him out with the boys and let him party and drink at the local bar. When he’s gone, move in with the local Swedish body building hunk in the corner condo. When he’s sobered up in the morning your sweetheart will laugh himself to death at the empty house prank. Truly.
6. Fantasy heroes. Fantasy heroes do not play April fool’s tricks. They look on other races, and heroes that do as complete and utter morons. Fantasy heroes are bold, upright, honest and loving. They would never do that to you. Fantasy heroes only honor the Jupe Day Japes. So, the best thing for you to do is to emigrate to a completely different world before the whole shebang starts and your relatives end up gracing the tribe’s stewpot—just for a laugh, you know.
7. Futuristic/scifi heroes. If your synthesizer produces taste free Arbradian brandy instead of the crystal clear Evian you ordered; your shower washes you with sugar syrup instead of soap; and you know you definitely didn’t order those tri-limbed edible tadpoles for your breakfast—you’ve been April fooled 25<SUP>th</SUP> century style. Fortunately you prepared ahead for this one and managed to acquire a free prototype of the Penile Petite Pulverizing Shrinker. So, when he finally recovers from the effects of the Arbradian brandy you might consider returning his incredible shrinking dinky dinker to normal size. But then again, maybe not.
8. Western heroes. Finding yourself hog tied and dangling from the roof of the barn is always a possibility with a western April Fool’s trick from your western hero. But don’t be perturbed, simply replace the bullets in his gun with blanks and stick a sign to his back which reads “Stinky Muller the gunslinger sucks.” Then send him to the town store for supplies (you need more beans, you know.) Revenge, oh, revenge is so sweet.
Agent Double D.3 Report complete.
Cya on the Interwaves J