I can vouch for the accuracy of the cat
part, having suffered injuries trying
to give my cats their pills.


How To Give The Cat A Pill

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook
of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on
either side of cat's mouth and gently apply
pressure to cheeks while holding pill in
right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill
into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind s
ofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy
pill away.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left
arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a
count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from
top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low
growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler
into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's
throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and
repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines
and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on
cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put
pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open
with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans,
drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply
Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill.
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to
leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert
spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek
and check records for date of last tetanus jab.
Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from

Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the
road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence
while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine
and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy
duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth
followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head
vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to
wash pill down.

Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit
quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and
removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture
shop on way home to order new table.

Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop
to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give The Dog A Pill

Wrap it in bacon.