A.k.a. Fashion Advice for Romantic Heroes.
So, you think you’re a romantic hero. You’ve got muscles; can defeat a room full of villains in five minutes; have a snarky attitude; a special way with girls and you floss between your teeth morning and night. Even with all these gifts can you really compete in the realms of romantic hero? Do you have an impeccable reputation? Can you, the romantic hero of her dreams, take on and excel in the most dangerous realm of all? Can you take on the fashion world?
Whether you’re a dandy, spiff or Mr. Universe of the Paris Fashion show, never fear, Agent Double D.3 comes to the rescue. Follow this fully detailed dress code and you too can be the best dressed hero in romantic fiction. Copy these guidelines, slap on the pheromones, polish your weapons and soon the world and its oyster will be yours. With luck you’ll even get the girl too.
Agent Double D.3 reports :
1. Vampire heroes. If you want to be a vampire hero always wear black Armani or designer cloak, shoes, pants and jacket. White shirt is obligatory—because white really shows the blood stains and, hey, blood stains are really sexy. Vampire heroes look best with long and thick hair, preferably black or silver/white. They are often well shaved but under duress are sexy with designer stubble. (They have no trouble achieving this since everyone knows just because a vampire is dead, it doesn’t mean their hair doesn’t grow. It’s called magic, see.) Historic vampires are always dressed as gentlemen (see Regency heroes below) and always in the best available—because they are so wealthy. Being seen frequently in polite society is the best way to keep a low profile and hide those irritating habits, like sleeping all day and biting people at night. Alternative clothing: A modern day vampire can simply wear tight fitting black pants, white shirt, a sexy smile and fangs.
2. Werewolf heroes. Werewolves tend toward homey and country style clothes, lumberjack shirts, jeans—all in designer names if possible. Always purchase a plentiful supply since they frequently get torn to shreds during a full moon. The latest trend for alpha/lone wolves, and ones that manage to change out of their clothing before the full moon, is a move to classic designer wear. Formal Armani suits, normally dark to black, white shirt with matching red/brown tie—hey so they're a little smarter than vampires. You'll never see a werewolf with a bloodstained tie. Both types of werewolves should have long thick hair, colored according to the fur color of their wolf form. Their hair should preferably be streaked for added interest. Werewolf heroes are usually smoothly shaved, they go overboard with the facial hair at the full moon so why do it as a man too? (Latest figures indicate werewolves no longer linked with the moon and just change whenever they feel a bit wolfish.) Alternative clothing: Tight fitting black pants, shredded white shirt to show off chest and abs and a sexy smile.
3. Regency heroes. Regency heroes are invariably smartly dressed in pressed dark pants and jacket, a white frilly dress shirt—good for tangling fingers in—and highly polished boots. Good boots are essential for a regency hero. Hire a good valet who knows a secret recipe using expensive imported vodka for polishing said boots. Always carry a spare overcoat and capes for those times when the heroine has to take off her clothes because a. she's fallen in a pond, marsh, river, mud pool, swimming pool, heavy rain. b. has been nearly ravished by the villain and her clothes are in tatters. Also an essential fashion item is the silk handkerchief embroidered with the hero’s initials. This handkerchief can be used to wipe tears from the heriones eyes after events a. or b. or dropped/lost in significant scenes to forward the plot. Sporting short-cut manly hair, gentlemen are always well shaved—only retired and podgy military men have facial hair. Alternative clothing: Dark pants and a devilishly sexy smile for those bedroom liaisons.
4. Scottish historic heroes: Scottish historic heroes have a very frugal budget since most of them are dirt poor after being robbed blind by the accursed Sassenach English. Fortunately a Scottish historic hero doesn’t have to compete in the upper echelons of the fashion market but there are several must have items for a good Scot. The plucky Scot must have a kilt, this is the essential item. It doesn’t matter what the tartan is as long as the Scot’s clan is noted. After all a kilt is a kilt is a kilt what's the difference in color got to do with it. It's the interesting bits underneath the kilt the heroine is ultimately interested in. Aside from the kilt the brave Scot always carries a shining dirk and claymore (not an official claymore, but one of those long swords with the swept back hilts because they are so much prettier and lighter to carry). Also the sporran is important because we need something to look at until we see if the hero wears underwear or not. An historic Scot hero saves a mint on the budget because he’s not permitted to wear a shirt, even if there’s one hundred and twenty feet of freezing snow outside. Scot heroes are never affected by the weather. Along with the muscular chest and bulging biceps the Scot historic hero has to have long thick locks of the heroine's favorite color hair. Most of them also painstakingly pluck out their own beards although, trimmed correctly, a small beard is acceptable. Alternative clothing: A strategically placed sporran and a sexy smile.
5. Contemporary heroes. Contemporary heroes always wear designer clothes (can we see a pattern here?) A designer suit, preferably Armani, usually dark black, gray or blue. The shirt can vary in color as long as it’s not girly pink or mauve. The shoulders should be especially well padded to give the heroine a soft place to cry on. Handkerchief's are handy for mopping up after a quickie in the closet. The contemporary hero normally has short hair, usually dark or blond, in a style that looks manly and is always in place—a fact the heroine is jealous of. Smooth shaven, though in the case of being stranded on a desert island, chased across country, living rough while rescuing heroine some designer stubble is wowser and eminently acceptable. Alternative clothing: Sexy hip hugging, bathrobe open to the hips with chest and hair damp from the shower with a sexy grin.
6. Fantasy heroes. Fantasy heroes fall into two types. You have the brash, muscular and bold Conan style. This style of fashion can only be done by the very muscular since it consists of bare chest, armbands wrapped around huge biceps, massive double headed axe or broadsword and a furry loincloth. Designer loincloth is preferred, ones made by virginal (until the hero found them) priestesses who live in a distant mountain temple a hundred plus miles from civilization. Finding these Priestesses to get the designer wear often involves the slaughter of several famous and deadly guardians. If you want the designer (insert mythical monster name)skin boots, please bring along the corpse of an (insert mythical monster name) along with you. Note specifically this type of fantasy hero only needs one loincloth. Laundry is done by jumping in a lake fully clothed. The second more attainable type of fantasy hero is the dark, broody type, designer stubble, long hair, lanky, slightly grubby armor takes a bath about once a millennium. Leggings and tunic are a must, preferably made of tough leather or covered with light chain mail. Broody fantasy hero’s still carry a whopper of a sword, though it’s rather shorter than a broadsword. Longswords are preferred, especially ones with some essential magical quality for killing the major villain and his underlings. Boots, dagger and a cape or cloak for bad weather are also useful. Designer clothes aren’t essential but broody fantasy heroes of the best class are always dressed in elven or fairy wear. The fantasy hero must make sure, during all the muck and grime, that he remains either smoothly shaved or maintains a subtle designer stubble. Elven heroes—that’s a whole other story. Alternative clothing: Rising out of a lake wearing a sexy grin.
7. Futuristic/scifi. Futuristic heroes in romance always has skin tight stretchy clothing. Whether it is a whole body suit that opens down the front all the way to the groin or a basic shirt and pants set the clothes must be thin enough to reveal every muscle on the hero’s body. Maintain a good supply of shirts since these are frequently destroyed or lost in battle scenes, sex scenes, domination scenes, and man-eating monster scenes. Shaving isn't necessary—futuristic man uses either Artificially Intelligent depilatories or are genetically gene altered to never have facial hair. Designer wear isn’t the norm because the designers haven’t been born yet so just do with the best you can. This shouldn’t be hard since most of the gear is synthesized from local matter transmutation machines it’s all pretty dull and boring anyway. The dull fashion may explain part of the heroine’s desire to constantly rip the hero’s clothes off (conversely heroine fashion has never been so fancy, lacy or transparent). The trend for short haired heroes has faded to the more pretty, long flowing lock types. Also if the hero can gene alter his body to contain such in-built fashion features such as blue skin, antennas, the ability to transmute into another form or have a double pronged penis he will succeed very quickly in the romance world. Alternative clothing: Spray on body paint and a very sexy grin.
8. Western heroes. Western heroes have two must have items. They must always wear a gun and a hat, all other items are optional. Designer stubble is a must and jeans (Levi preferred) are also typical western hero fashion. Only one or two articles of clothing are required as laundry, much as for the fantasy hero, is performed by swimming either fully clothed or with just the jeans on. Remember too that jeans are always made of denim, regardless of the time setting of the western. Rumors that jeans used to be made of canvas are just wicked lies. Suede or leather jackets are a secondary must have item along with lumberjack shirts for the cold country. The good Western hero also makes sure he can use the gun at all times, hit everything he aims at and never let it leave his side. Used cleverly it can also make a very intriguing marital aid but do remember to remove the bullets first or the heroine could be in for an interesting surprise. Always make sure there is plenty of dust or mud. No western romance hero is fully dressed without the dusty hat or the muddy boots. Cowboy boots of course, the fancier the better. It wouldn’t do to be seen in polite romance company without the embossed/ivory inlaid riding through foul eather and climbing mountains cowboy boot—with spurs. It cannot be stressed enough that the boots and spurs need to be removed before sex, otherwise the sheets will be rather badly torn. An optional and sometimes used article of clothing is the bandana, this is best employed in blindfolding the heroine while she is bound and kidnapped. Alternative clothing: Cowboy hat and an extremely sexy grin.
9. Viking hero. The Viking romantic hero makes sure he buys a nice long woollen shirt and cloth pants, held in place by a quick release sash or drawstring. Over these the hero needs to wear a sleeved jerkin or a three quarter coat closed with a quick release belt. Around the house soft leather shoes are acceptable but for real combat situations the best heroes wear boots. Top notch Viking romantic heroes all buy their designer clothing from Valkyries-Я-us. Shaving is laughed upon as a wimpish thing and if the hero’s hair doesn’t host as least fifteen types of parasites or vermin then he is cast out of the Viking guild. Bathing is done in the cold waters of the northern Atlantic ocean because, well, they don’t believe the cold waters there can kill a man in ten minutes. Whenever the brave Viking hero heads into battle he wears an iron helmet, a big sword or axe (preferably one with great legends behind it) and a manic grin. Alternative clothing. Horns and an extremely big sexy grin.
Agent Double D3 report ends.