A.K.A. How to make a sick-bed visit without eating the staff.
It’s been a rough couple of weeks, the demon from hell broke loose and ate your dog, rogue vampires have left bite marks all over your furniture, and there is wolf fur, bullet holes and hair balls coughed up just everywhere. To make things worse, a couple of hours before you were in for the best sex of your life, your girlfriend calls up to let you know said demon, vampire, werewolf, bandito is currently outside her door and slowly breaking it in. So now not only aren’t you going to get your mind blown, in the best sense, you have to go over there and beat the darn thing/person/it into submission and probably end up taking your beloved to the local doc or ER.
Never fear, Agent Double D3 has spent many a medical emergency checking out the best way to behave when your one and only is recovering from bites, scratches, burns, red eyes, blood stains and sore vocal cords from overactive screaming. This little guide gives you the best way to behave during a sick-bed visit or how to hold her hand, and get some…
Agent Double D.3 Reports :
1. Vampire heroes. It is decidedly unbecoming to drool over the blood bag while your heroine is having a transfusion, not to mention that small punctures in the plastic are easily seen and will quickly make a mess on the floor. Note too that removing the dressing and licking the wound is most definitely a faux pas. Unless of course the scratch is situated on the breast or upper thigh, a mere slip of the tongue can then change her oh? to an Ahhhh! P.S. if you have to feed off the nurses make sure it's 250 pound George with the ugly beard. Biting the sweet little thing that changes the bed pan and looks like a seventeen year old angel will normally result in a quick visit to vampire ER for yourself.
2. Werewolf heroes. This can be a very difficult time for our werewolf hero. Firstly, don't ever stay until night time, pets are definitely not allowed within those hallowed halls of medicine. Secondly, yes, they are butt ugly those hospital gowns. And yes, they do show a lot of Butt. No, you are not to go around sniffing everyone's butt. If you really want to mortify your injured beloved and ensure that your wolfy self meets the wrong end of a razor, go ahead and sniff. Don't forget, of course, if you can control yourself your beloved also has nothing on under that skimpy gown…
3. Regency heroes. It's just not the done thing for you guys to get anywhere near a girl in her bed, regardless of her scratches and woes. Then again there's Laudanum. A surreptitious dose of this in the family tea urn will do you a lot of favors at breakfast. Just remember to smile innocently as you pull back the covers to check her bandages because your sisters are unavailable.
4. Scottish historic heroes: Och nay! This is one occasion where lifting your kilt will probably not be effective. Especially since a glimpse of what's there is likely to have caused this entire furor in the first place. Still, with the lack of any decent hospitals you'll likely be caring for the beloved wounded in your own house, with the aid of the local Hedge Healer. Trust me, after coating her with poultices of boiled worms you really won't want to hang around too long in her room. Still, be manly, spare her a few kisses where it matters most and foreswear that every one of her injuries will be revenged forthwith. And, er, about that kilt thingy. Try to keep it under wraps until she's better okay?
5. Contemporary heroes. There is a very great temptation here to help relieve the heroines healing boredom through the use of… yes, toys! Those amazing little buzzy things can work wonders for a gal's morale. Unfortunately this is something you should not do! Why? Rather simple really. That tiny, fits in the hand (and other places) like a glove, and purrs like a kitten, device of delight is still big enough to affect all the delicate electronic machinery on the ward. So if you don't want the Staff Nurse coming in mid-O to discern what's causing all those fuzzy lines on the monitors you really should avoid this tactic. So be inventive, surely God gave you hands didn't he?
6. Fantasy heroes. Fantasy heroines rarely get more than a flesh wound so this is a good time to practice that tough, let's get you fixed up, behavior. Of course your modern day hospital consists of a dark cave that you've recently hand wrestled a bear out of and said bearskin is now the best cover you have for your beloved's recovery bed. It's also known, well to you at least, that the best cure for a sword cut to the leg, and an arrow wound to the side is lots of sex. Well, cave, alone, bearskin cover, naked heroine. Hmm, need I say more. Oh, don't let her cries of agony fool you, they're really just whimpers of desire, and whatever you do don't let her get hold of the gelding knife while you're sleeping…
7. Futuristic/scifi. Wounded, pish, the medical facilities here are so advanced that you're healed even before the gutempahzer hit you. Hospitals only exist for the millenioctagenarians, and your beloved's laser burn through the stomach is a matter of a ten minute regenerative surgery. This means you get lots of time in bed. Well, that is if she ever forgives you for letting her get shot in the first place. Placate her with a small gift of the desiccated gonads of her antagonist, and a few of her favorite toys (yes, they sorted out the toy problem in this day and age.) Hopefully that will bring a smile to her face.
8. Western heroes. Your beloved is a tough old bird. Has to be—doesn't she cook you beans for breakfast? Even so a little sympathy here might be called for. Spending the morning telling her how you took down them durn rustlers isn't going to help her when all she has is a little aspirin to take away the pain of a bullet wound in the shoulder. So make her comfy, smile, talk about little things like your plans together for the future and make her the beans for a while. And if you can get Aunt Josie and Martha May out of the way for a while, well, who knows what you can do in that lovely four poster bed…
Agent Double D.3 Report complete.
Cya on the Interwaves J
Just a wee note on #5. This is based on a true event and happened in one of the wards in the hospital I worked in when I was a nurse in E
ngland. So be warned… J