A.K.A. Don't leave her panties under the seat.
Okay, so you managed to put it off this long through the clever use of subterfuge, deceit and the expert use of your tongue. Now, though, she's getting very persistent. The whiff of popcorn and hotdogs haunts her every waking minute and her affections for you are wilting like the left over nachos after the long intermission. So you have to take your soul (for those of you who have one,) put it into your hands and offer to take her to… the movie theater.
So what do you do? What do you wear? And, more importantly, which of the thousands of movies currently playing are you going to watch without making that major faux pas you've been dreading?
Well, never fear, Agent Double D.3’s expert investigations into matrimonial matinees, and evening frights will lead you in the direction that will most likely lead you to a fulfilling evening for you and your beloved, and a panty free night back home. Here is Agent Double D.3's guide to Making Out at the Movies.
Agent Double D.3 reports :
Movie— Remember you are a vampire. V-A-M-P-I-R-E got it? You kinda like blood. In fact blood really does this funny number on you where you tend to get really excited, yes? So excited, in fact, that a little too much staring at blood and decapitation (and bodies spewing red fountains of the delicious liquid) that you've been known, on occasion, to find a rather embarrassing stain on the front of your pants. Don't. Whatever you do, do not take your date to one of the slasher, horror, let's see how many peeps and how nasty they can die films. Not if you don't want to be walking out of the theater garnishing strange looks from the other patrons, and your date at least a hundred yards away and finding herself very interested in everything but you. Play it safe, take her to a nice safe movie, like Feast of Love or Good Luck Chuck. Then after showering her with as much popcorn and soda as she wants, suggest she might want to go back to your place for a much pleasanter bite to eat.
Dress code— Casual, if you can't wear jeans—we all know how finicky vamps are about designer wear—then at least wear a pair of casual slacks and a polo shirt. Bring plenty of hankies, your date will invariably need them if you don't. Make sure the shirt is stain resistant for when she has to cry on your shoulder, and if you insist on going to watch a blood fest, wear plastic panties to prevent the stain. If she asks what the crinkling noises are just admit to having become overenthusiastic at the drug store and your pockets are stuffed full of condoms. You never know, it might work.
Movie— Following your nature you'll be drawn towards movies like, The Deerhunter, and Werewolf in London. Avoid these. The last thing your date needs is for you to morph into something a bit less comfortable and go charging, head first, into a solid screen. Taking you to Werewolf ER is really the last thing on her mind and she'll probably end up donating you to the nearest biological society for research purposes. Or, alternately, she'll hate hearing all the gory details about how movie makers have no idea on how werewolves really change, and what's this crap about having your clothes when you return to form. Well, your date and probably a hundred other movie goers are likely to skin you and donate the fur to a local stuffed toy factory before the movie is half-way over. Stick to the easy ones like Resident Evil, The Heartbreak Kid. If you can't prevent your drooling over all the spilt blood and body parts, go watch the latest Disney movie. And no, it doesn't matter how many times you ask, hot dogs don't come rare.
Dress Code— What you normally wear is cool. Just don't change and turn naked while you're there okay. It has been known to offend some of the other audience. Hankies are essential, unless you want your furry shoulder to be used as an alternative for a sniffly nose, trust me, it takes ages to wash out. Once the movie is over treat your date to a nice meal out at the local Steak and Bake and observe, casually, that you'd really like her for dessert. Truly, a cab won't get you home soon enough.
Movie— Now is not the time to admit that you are terrified of ghost movies. Especially if the main ghost character reminds you of your psychopathic aunt, or your homicidal grandfather. Just grit your teeth and ask your date what her favorite movie is, and what she'd like to see. (Because she has so much trouble seeing you. *snerk*). If you really want to get her hot take her to something sexy like Brokeback Mountain, Indecent Proposal, or Lady Chatterly's Lover. Note you also have the option of being able to gently tease her, uhm, delicate places without the embarrassment of being seen. Prepare her beforehand though with a whispered "I Love you." Having your icy touch on her wotsits in the middle of a love scene will cause a scene of its own when she screams…
Dress Code— This is a movie theater, not a real theater. So you can take off those fancy togs and dress in something a little more human instead. Good God man, uhm, ghost. Haven't you watched enough TV to see how folks dress nowadays? Once suitably attired give your date as much popcorn, nachos and hotdogs as she wants. You should be able to get these fairly cheaply by simply levitating them over to her. No sales assistant is going to be around long once things start moving around by themselves. It is essential to bring lots of hankies. If she attempts to cry on your shoulder she'll simply succeed in falling sideways into your chair causing major embarrassment all around. This will make her feelings for you chill faster than a Southwester on Crack. Remember, hankies means getting into panties, okay?
4. Invisible man:
Movie— Go ahead, stand up in the middle of the latest SF epic and yell "You noodles. Crosswiring the Trinmen circuits with the Gutmela breakers will blast the whole ship to Hell." You'll find out just how popular your mad scientist knowledge can be, and just how fast your date can vanish. So, think. No SF epics, and any movie with even a small SF element should be ignored if you want to end up with a panty free date at the end of the evening. Steer her towards the more romantic and sexy movies, no matter how bored you might get. Use the time you spend not watching the movie to gently tease and stroke her. No one will see you and she'll end up all hot and ready for you when the movie is over. Remember though, make sure you pick up her panties from under the seat when you leave.
Dress Code— Nice clean bandages and casual wear is best. Once in the movie, of course, you might both get a vicarious thrill through sitting naked beside your date. Make sure the theater isn't full though, if can cause a right scene if someone's old aunt Jess decides to sit on your rampant thingy just after the movie has started. Feed your lady well, and with luck the cab ride home could promise some really exciting things.
Movie— It's not so much the movie that could be your problem but the venue. Now, they aren't around much anymore but, if you ever get the opportunity to watch a movie at a drive in theater in a topless Mercedes—forget it. If it suddenly decides to rain on you, and you can't get the top up fast enough, you'll be breaded and fried before you can say "catfish." As for the movie, anything goes. Try not to get too much of a weepy though, it's never happened before but if she cries over you enough…
Dress Code— Definitely casual, something easy to slip in and out of but decent enough to wine and dine your date at a very nice place after the movie. Keep plenty of hankies handy, just in case, and give her a (well moisture protected) shoulder to cry on. Apologize for the plastic bags under your clothing. Just let her know it’s a new type of personal air conditioning system a local company was paying you to test out for them.
Movie— Lemme see, how can I put this gently. The movie Janice Does it Back Door is not a suitable movie for a date. Okay, do you got that? If not let me get the gelding knife and repeat. No girl wants to be the only female in a movie theater full of leering men, especially a leering you. So, take her advice, go to the movie she suggests and be satisfied with some sweet talking cuddles and popcorn kernels crunching in your ear. The long term effect of making her happy will be worth it.
Dress Code— Do I have to tell you each time? Naked is not a public option. Slacks or jeans, and a clean T-shirt which doesn't say Breast is Best (it really doesn't work for you dude.) If you intend to go commando, like you normally do, you might want to go for the slacks. Otherwise the crotch burn can really put a damper on your nocturnal habits. Make sure she has tons of popcorn to crunch, and offer her some sweet desserts for later. If you play your cards right desserts can be taken to bed.
Movie— Something, light, fun and non-historical. Particularly avoid any movie that you can compare with your old life back home with the maharaja. You may think you can get away with it, but having a movie producer being turned to a frog usually hits the national papers. And, if no one else does, your date will certainly know who's to blame. Take a break from the hard hassle of granting wishes and winning battles by watching a romantic comedy, or humorous animation—something that will be cute enough to remove a pair of delicate panties. Don't forget, no touchy in the movie theater, even if you can footsie with the best panties, keep those toes grounded mister before your date figures there's more than one way to polish off a lamp.
Dress Code— Wearing long flowing silk clothes and a turban is likely to make you the laughing stock of the theater and your date disappear. So act normal. Yes, I understand how hard normal is for someone who has the magic to smash six worlds with one hand, but just try it okay. After all, what's the point of being so powerful if the panties stay on? Wine and dine your sweetheart at your favorite restaurant in Kalibah after the movie—courtesy of the magic carpet—and lo and behold, maybe even all your wishes may come true tonight too.
Agent Double D.3 report ends.