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  1. #1

    Default Lesson 4 homework and questions thread

    Please post your homework and questions for Lesson 4 here. MM
  2. madcapmaggie's Avatar
    Reading: The Game of Thrones
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    #2

    Default

    Here they are. In a couple of cases, I have more than one revised version.

    ** one **
    Although, she admitted, theirs proved more complicated than most.

    True, theirs proved more complicated than most.
    ** two **

    Even to himself, Ardaval failed to justify his own actions.

    Ardaval failed to justify his own actions.

    If he failed to justify his owwn actions, how would Keth react?
    ******** three **
    I didn't believe him, but even if I knew he had lied, I wouldn't have been able to compel him to divulge where he'd seen Tom.

    I didn't believe him, but I couldn't compel him to divulge where he'd seen Tom.
    *** four *
    . He took a deep breath, moving on because he knew he'd accomplish nothing by making a scene.
    . He took a deep breath; he'd accomplish nothing by making a scene.

    ** five **
    As much as he wanted to have them at his back, he knew Hank would never say a word in front of anyone else.

    e."
    As much as he wanted to have them at his back, Hank would never say a word in front of anyone else.

    *** six **

    Even if Martin's brief apprenticeship had come to mind, Brad reflected, he knew too little about comps to gauge his competence.

    Even if Martin's brief apprenticeship had come to mind, Brad knew too little about comps to gauge Martin's competence.
    ********* seven **
    Easy to understand, he thought, as he noticed streaks of leftover food still clinging to the edges of the table.

    Easy to understand; streaks of leftover food still clung to the edges of the table.
    Easy to understand. He brushed at streaks of food still clinging to the edges of the table.

    ** eight **
    * * * *
    Brad finished making phone calls and retreated outside where he thought he’d be alone to ponder the events of the last few weeks and instead he found the other three still sitting together.


    Brad finished making phone calls and retreated outside to ponder the events of the last few weeks but instead of the privacy he sought he found the other three still sitting together.
    ******* nine ***

    He's on the high command now, I believe."

    He's on the high command now."
    *** ten **

    He immediately noticed Nidrani's eyes were red, and evidence of tears showed against her dark skin.

    Nidrani's eyes were read, and evidence of tears showed against her dark skin.

    *************
  3. #3

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    Margaret, your revisions are very good. I have a few comments within your assignment. MM

    Quote Originally Posted by madcapmaggie View Post
    Here they are. In a couple of cases, I have more than one revised version.

    ** one **
    Although, she admitted, theirs proved more complicated than most.

    True, theirs proved more complicated than most.
    ** two **

    Even to himself, Ardaval failed to justify his own actions.

    Ardaval failed to justify his own actions.

    If he failed to justify his owwn actions, how would Keth react?
    ******** three **
    I didn't believe him, but even if I knew he had lied, I wouldn't have been able to compel him to divulge where he'd seen Tom.

    I didn't believe him, but I couldn't compel him to divulge where he'd seen Tom.
    *** four *
    . He took a deep breath, moving on because he knew he'd accomplish nothing by making a scene.
    . He took a deep breath; he'd accomplish nothing by making a scene.

    ** five **
    As much as he wanted to have them at his back, he knew Hank would never say a word in front of anyone else.

    e."
    As much as he wanted to have them at his back, Hank would never say a word in front of anyone else.

    *** six **

    Even if Martin's brief apprenticeship had come to mind, Brad reflected, he knew too little about comps to gauge his competence.

    Even if Martin's brief apprenticeship had come to mind, Brad knew too little about comps to gauge Martin's competence.
    ********* seven **
    Easy to understand, he thought, as he noticed streaks of leftover food still clinging to the edges of the table.

    Easy to understand; streaks of leftover food still clung to the edges of the table.
    Easy to understand. He brushed at streaks of food still clinging to the edges of the table.

    ** eight **
    * * * *
    Brad finished making phone calls and retreated outside where he thought he’d be alone to ponder the events of the last few weeks and instead he found the other three still sitting together.


    Brad finished making phone calls and retreated outside to ponder the events of the last few weeks but instead of the privacy he sought he found the other three still sitting together. [I would divide this into two sentences. ....of the last few weeks. Instead of the privacy he sought, he found the other three...]
    ******* nine ***

    He's on the high command now, I believe."

    He's on the high command now." [If this is dialogue, it's okay to add I believe. It adds a shade of meaning to what he said.]
    *** ten **

    He immediately noticed Nidrani's eyes were red, and evidence of tears showed against her dark skin.

    Nidrani's eyes were read, and evidence of tears showed against her dark skin. [Is someone reading her eyes, or are her eyes red?]

    *************
  4. Kaye Spencer's Avatar
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    #4

    writersblock Lesson 4: Find and Replace AKA Search and Destroy

    'O' is original — 'R' is revised

    1-O. She constantly had to remind herself that she was only a job to him.
    1-R. Falling for Hagen had been easy. The hard part was remembering she was just a job to him.

    2-O. He knew their time was running out.
    2-R. Time was running out.

    3.O. Her legs were suddenly too weak to hold her up, and she slid down the side of the desk to sit on the floor.
    3-R. Her legs gave out, and she crumpled in a heap on the cold concrete floor.

    4-O. She hugged her knees to her chest, and despair gripped her as helpless, hopeless tears spilled down her cheeks.
    4-R. Anguish knotted her stomach. Agony scorched her heart. Tears she'd held at bay for months spilled down her cheeks.

    5-O. Helplessly shackled to a delivery truck, Hagen watched in gut-wrenching agony while Rocchelli’s thugs grilled her.
    5-R. Shackled to the bumper of a delivery truck, Hagen watched Rocchelli's thugs grill her. Every blow to her body was a blow to his heart.

    6-O. He wondered what Rocchelli had done that was bad enough to make her risk her life to be free of him.
    6-R. What had Rocchelli done to make Ceara willing to risk her life to be free of him?

    7-O. Ceara listened intently to the noises of people entering the office.
    7-R. Ceara recognized the sounds of people entering the adjoining office area even though she couldn't see into the room.

    8-O. Ceara knew that just under the surface, Eddie Rocchelli harbored a tightly coiled spring that was ready to come apart at the slightest provocation.
    8-R. Beneath his façade of civility, Eddie Rocchelli's temper lay coiled, ready to strike at the slightest provocation.

    9-O. Slowly, Eddie turned his dark gaze upon her, and she caught herself stepping backward although unable to look away from the shining, mesmerizing gleam in his eyes.
    9-R. When Eddie turned his dark gaze upon her, she caught herself backing up from the soulless, reptilian gleam in his eyes.

    10-O. Reaching down deeply inside herself for courage, she looked Eddie squarely in the eyes.
    10-R. Ceara reached into the core of her hatred for Eddie and grasped the courage to look him in the eyes.
    Kaye Spencer

    http://www.kayespencer.com

    Fall in love...faster, harder, deeper with Kaye Spencer romances
  5. #5

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    Kaye, your revisions are very good. I have a few comments within your assigment. MM

    Quote Originally Posted by Kaye Spencer View Post
    'O' is original — 'R' is revised

    1-O. She constantly had to remind herself that she was only a job to him.
    1-R. Falling for Hagen had been easy. The hard part was remembering she was just a job to him.

    2-O. He knew their time was running out.
    2-R. Time was running out.

    3.O. Her legs were suddenly too weak to hold her up, and she slid down the side of the desk to sit on the floor.
    3-R. Her legs gave out, and she crumpled in a heap on the cold concrete floor. [This revision is excellent! A thousands times better than your original. Okay, I might be exaggerating a little, but it's very good.]

    4-O. She hugged her knees to her chest, and despair gripped her as helpless, hopeless tears spilled down her cheeks.
    4-R. Anguish knotted her stomach. Agony scorched her heart. Tears she'd held at bay for months spilled down her cheeks.

    5-O. Helplessly shackled to a delivery truck, Hagen watched in gut-wrenching agony while Rocchelli’s thugs grilled her.
    5-R. Shackled to the bumper of a delivery truck, Hagen watched Rocchelli's thugs grill her. Every blow to her body was a blow to his heart. [Grilled, to me, doesn't mean they hit her. What about adding, When they didn't like her answer, they hit her. Every blow to her....]

    6-O. He wondered what Rocchelli had done that was bad enough to make her risk her life to be free of him.
    6-R. What had Rocchelli done to make Ceara willing to risk her life to be free of him?

    7-O. Ceara listened intently to the noises of people entering the office.
    7-R. Ceara recognized the sounds of people entering the adjoining office area even though she couldn't see into the room.

    8-O. Ceara knew that just under the surface, Eddie Rocchelli harbored a tightly coiled spring that was ready to come apart at the slightest provocation.
    8-R. Beneath his façade of civility, Eddie Rocchelli's temper lay coiled, ready to strike at the slightest provocation. [This one is a little tricky, since you aren't in Eddie's pov. What about, She had learned first hand that beneath his facade of civility......]

    9-O. Slowly, Eddie turned his dark gaze upon her, and she caught herself stepping backward although unable to look away from the shining, mesmerizing gleam in his eyes.
    9-R. When Eddie turned his dark gaze upon her, she caught herself backing up from the soulless, reptilian gleam in his eyes.

    10-O. Reaching down deeply inside herself for courage, she looked Eddie squarely in the eyes.
    10-R. Ceara reached into the core of her hatred for Eddie and grasped the courage to look him in the eyes.
  6. #6

    Default Lesson 4 Homework Saibot

    1. She found herself partnered with an older gentleman, who surprised her because he whirled her around.
    Changed: Liz’s partner, an older gentleman, spun her out and then back towards him. Her mouth opened in shock.

    2. The ladies went to the center and back the original place.
    Changed: Liz and the other ladies walked to three steps to the center, clapped, and walked three steps back.

    3. Dusty stared directly into mesmerizing green eyes. “Pardon me.”
    Changed: Dusty stared right into Liz’s wide eyes. “Pardon me.”

    4. Dusty immediately lost his grip.
    Changed: Dusty lost his grip.

    5. The bed beckoned her, so she collapsed, barely able to keep her eyes open.
    Changed: Since her eyes struggled to stay open, the bed beckoned her. She collapsed into the mattress.

    6. Once finished, she headed back to her room, and practically ran over a familiar looking man in the hallway.
    Changed: Once finished, she headed back to her room, and almost ran over a familiar man in the hallway.

    7. He tipped his hat and swiftly moved down the corridor.
    Changed: Tipping his hat, he moved away down the corridor.

    8. She politely shook her head and glanced around.
    Changed: Being polite, she nodded, and glanced around the shop.

    9. This was real she told herself and her hands were sweating.
    Changed: This was real. Her hands started sweating.

    10. She couldn’t help herself from staring.
    Changed: She couldn’t help staring.

    Thanks,
    Saibot
  7. #7

    Default

    Jeanne, you did a very good job here. I have some comments within your assignment. MM

    Quote Originally Posted by saibot11 View Post
    1. She found herself partnered with an older gentleman, who surprised her because he whirled her around.
    Changed: Liz’s partner, an older gentleman, spun her out and then back towards him. Her mouth opened in shock.

    2. The ladies went to the center and back the original place.
    Changed: Liz and the other ladies walked to three steps to the center, clapped, and walked three steps back.

    3. Dusty stared directly into mesmerizing green eyes. “Pardon me.”
    Changed: Dusty stared right into Liz’s wide eyes. “Pardon me.”

    4. Dusty immediately lost his grip.
    Changed: Dusty lost his grip.

    5. The bed beckoned her, so she collapsed, barely able to keep her eyes open.
    Changed: Since her eyes struggled to stay open, the bed beckoned her. She collapsed into the mattress.
    [I like the original one better. I'm not crazy about her eyes struggling. You could say, since she struggled to stay awake, the bed beckoned her, but I still like the original better. ]
    6. Once finished, she headed back to her room, and practically ran over a familiar looking man in the hallway.
    Changed: Once finished, she headed back to her room, and almost ran over a familiar man in the hallway.

    7. He tipped his hat and swiftly moved down the corridor.
    Changed: Tipping his hat, he moved away down the corridor. Here we have a participial phrase -- I liked your original better.

    8. She politely shook her head and glanced around.
    Changed: Being polite, she nodded, and glanced around the shop. another participial phrase, but this one works here.

    9. This was real she told herself and her hands were sweating.
    Changed: This was real. Her hands started sweating.

    10. She couldn’t help herself from staring.
    Changed: She couldn’t help staring.

    Thanks,
    Saibot
  8. #8

    Default

    His groan turned into a breathy moan as he increased the grip he held on himself.

    *His groan turned into a breathy moan as he increased the grip.

    Trent stepped inside the building, his eyes immediately dimming with relief from the harsh sun outside.

    *Trent stepped inside the building, his eyes dimming at once with relief from the harsh sun outside.

    Activity included homes being broken into, typically that of single females, age ranges between nineteen and forty years old.

    *Activity included homes broken into, most often single females, age ranges between nineteen and forty years old.

    Charlie, that’s Detective Lopez, isn’t going to take too kindly to the Fed’s creeping on this case.

    *Charlie, that's Detective Lopez, isn't going to like the Fed's creeping on this case.

    Her bottom lip puckered out slightly more than the top as if it had been pinched to perfection.

    *Her bottom lip puckered out more than the top, as if it had been pinched to perfection.

    Jesus, he really should be looking for this Detective Lopez but his body screamed out for this one.

    *Jesus, he needed to be looking for this Detective Lopez, but his body screamed out for this one.

    His lips twitched as he hefted himself, using the muscles of his chest and shoulders to pull his large frame inside without sound.

    *His lips twitched as he jumped, using the muscles of his chest and shoulders to pull his large frame inside without a sound.

    The tip of his cock brushed the warm shower door and he shifted his hips, losing himself in the pleasure, the scent, and sounds, all of it.

    *The tip of his cock brushed the warm shower door and he shifted his hips, lost in the pleasure, the scent, and sounds of it all.

    Alert, vigilant, ready – it was no wonder just why Benjamin Woolsey held office for so long and would likely continue to do so for years to come.

    *Alert, vigilant, ready - it was no wonder why Benjamin Woolsey held office for so long and was liable to continue for years to come.
  9. #9

    Default

    Comfort, your revisions are very good. I have one comment within your assignment. MM

    Quote Originally Posted by dmcomfort View Post
    His groan turned into a breathy moan as he increased the grip he held on himself.

    *His groan turned into a breathy moan as he increased the grip.

    Trent stepped inside the building, his eyes immediately dimming with relief from the harsh sun outside.

    *Trent stepped inside the building, his eyes dimming at once with relief from the harsh sun outside.

    Activity included homes being broken into, typically that of single females, age ranges between nineteen and forty years old.

    *Activity included homes broken into, most often single females, age ranges between nineteen and forty years old.

    Charlie, that’s Detective Lopez, isn’t going to take too kindly to the Fed’s creeping on this case.

    *Charlie, that's Detective Lopez, isn't going to like the Fed's creeping on this case. [Feds, no apostrophe]

    Her bottom lip puckered out slightly more than the top as if it had been pinched to perfection.

    *Her bottom lip puckered out more than the top, as if it had been pinched to perfection.

    Jesus, he really should be looking for this Detective Lopez but his body screamed out for this one.

    *Jesus, he needed to be looking for this Detective Lopez, but his body screamed out for this one.

    His lips twitched as he hefted himself, using the muscles of his chest and shoulders to pull his large frame inside without sound.

    *His lips twitched as he jumped, using the muscles of his chest and shoulders to pull his large frame inside without a sound.

    The tip of his cock brushed the warm shower door and he shifted his hips, losing himself in the pleasure, the scent, and sounds, all of it.

    *The tip of his cock brushed the warm shower door and he shifted his hips, lost in the pleasure, the scent, and sounds of it all.

    Alert, vigilant, ready – it was no wonder just why Benjamin Woolsey held office for so long and would likely continue to do so for years to come.

    *Alert, vigilant, ready - it was no wonder why Benjamin Woolsey held office for so long and was liable to continue for years to come.
  10. #10

    Default

    Lesson 4 homework_Janet R

    1: O: It clung to perfectly sized breasts and down along her slender ribcage to a vee at her hips where it flared slightly.
    C: It clung to perfect breasts and her slender ribcage, then dipped to a vee at her hips where it flared.

    2. O: She turned narrowed eyes toward the glass and tilted her head slightly.
    C: She turned narrowed eyes toward the glass and tilted her head.

    3: O: When she didn’t immediately cough and spit water, he rolled her over, checked for a pulse and knew a moment of shear dread when there was no pulse to be found.
    C: When she didn’t cough and spit water, he rolled her over, checked for a pulse and felt sheer dread when there was no pulse to be found.

    4: Lia frowned in disbelief and Will figured he’d just landed himself into the backwater-hayseed category.
    C: Lia frowned in disbelief and Will figured he’d just been consigned to the backwater-hayseed category.

    5: O:Gene showed up with a couple blankets he found in the house and they wrapped her shaking body.
    C: Gene showed up with a couple blankets he found in the house and wrapped her shaking body.

    6: O: “I figure if I tell them I’m her fiancée they’ll let me stay with her tonight.”
    C: “I figure if I tell them I’m her fiancée I’ll be able to stay with her tonight.”

    7: O: He should have made sure she knew how to swim.
    C: He should have made sure she swam.

    8: O: He knew she hadn’t, but no way was he going to let on that he’d made inquiries on just who she was or wasn’t accompanied by.
    C: She hadn’t, but no way was he going to let on that he’d made inquiries on just who she was or wasn’t accompanied by.

    9: O: “Yeah, it can,” she stated quietly
    C: “Yeah, it can,” she whispered.

    10: O: And sure as shit runs downhill, it was there; the slight fear in her eyes reflecting in the window and in the fractional change in her voice and he wondered who the monster was in her life.
    C: And sure as shit runs downhill, it was there: a fractional change in her voice, terror in her eyes reflecting in the passenger window. He wondered who the monster was in her life.
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