Janet, my comments are within your assignment. Any questions? MM

Quote Originally Posted by janet2write View Post
Lesson 4 homework_Janet R

1: O: It clung to perfectly sized breasts and down along her slender ribcage to a vee at her hips where it flared slightly.
C: It clung to perfect breasts and her slender ribcage, [and] then dipped to a vee at her hips where it flared.

2. O: She turned narrowed eyes toward the glass and tilted her head slightly.
C: She turned narrowed eyes toward the glass and tilted her head. [This sounds too much like body parts going wild. She turned her narrowed gaze toward the glass and tilted her head (which way? back, forward, to the right or left?]

3: O: When she didn’t immediately cough and spit water, he rolled her over, checked for a pulse and knew a moment of shear dread when there was no pulse to be found.
C: When she didn’t cough and spit water, he rolled her over, checked for a pulse and felt sheer dread when there was no pulse to be found. [Here you have the cart before the horse. He doesn't find a pulse first. Then he felt sheer dread. When she didn't cough and spit water, he rolled her over and checked for a pulse. No pulse. Sheer dread threatened to suffocate him. OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT]

4: Lia frowned in disbelief and Will figured he’d just landed himself into the backwater-hayseed category.
C: Lia frowned in disbelief and Will figured he’d just been consigned to the backwater-hayseed category.

5: O:Gene showed up with a couple blankets he found in the house and they wrapped her shaking body.
C: Gene showed up with a couple blankets he found in the house and wrapped her shaking body.

6: O: “I figure if I tell them I’m her fiancée they’ll let me stay with her tonight.”
C: “I figure if I tell them I’m her fiancée[,] I’ll be able to stay with her tonight.”

7: O: He should have made sure she knew how to swim.
C: He should have made sure she swam.

8: O: He knew she hadn’t, but no way was he going to let on that he’d made inquiries on just who she was or wasn’t accompanied by.
C: She hadn’t, but no way was he going to let on that he’d made inquiries on just who she was or wasn’t accompanied by.

9: O: “Yeah, it can,” she stated quietly
C: “Yeah, it can,” she whispered.

10: O: And sure as shit runs downhill, it was there; the slight fear in her eyes reflecting in the window and in the fractional change in her voice and he wondered who the monster was in her life.
C: And sure as shit runs downhill, it was there: a fractional change in her voice, terror in her eyes reflecting in the passenger window. He wondered who the monster was in her life.