Page 9 of 9 FirstFirst 123456789
Results 81 to 82 of 82
  1. Rayne Hall's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2010
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    81

    Awards Showcase

    Rayne Hall is offline
    #81

    Default

    Hi Joan,

    That last sentence is awesome: >The massive wood andmetal door slowly swung open to darkness.<

    >They could still hear the noises of the street. The horses whinnying. The creaking of the carriage harness. The hiss ofthe gas lights. <
    I suggest stringing these sentence fragments together into a complete sentence. Fragments make choppy reading, although they can be effective in fast-paced action scenes.
    Here, I think a complete sentence would work better.
    They could still hear the the horses whinnying in the street, the creaking of the carriage harness and the hiss of the gas lights.
    Or, if you want more dramatic punctuation, try a colon:
    They could still hear the noises of the street: the horses whinnying, the creaking of the carriage harness,the hiss ofthe gas lights.

    I hope this helps.
    Rayne




    Quote Originally Posted by Dr Joan View Post
    Luci, Brea, andRheanne entered the stone corridor. They could still hear the noises of thestreet. The horses whinnying. The creaking of the carriage harness. The hiss ofthe gas lights. The stone corridor looked to be well used with muddy tracksleading the way toward the reinforced doors at the end.

    Luci opened up hersenses to see if she could still feel Andre and Cleo behind the door. She nodded and they moved forward quickly.Brea and Rheanne directed their perception at the massive reinforced door. Itpresented both magical and physical challenges.
    "I think that we will be able to unlockthe signals and the physical locks easily without alerting the others of ourpresence here" Brea stated using mindspeak.
    They joined handsand minds to start unlocking the door.
    The massive wood andmetal door slowly swung open to darkness.

    Thanks Joan
  2. Dr Joan's Avatar
    Reading: I am rereading favorite paranormal romance books.
    TBR: 50
    Join Date
    Apr 2011
    Posts
    10

    Awards Showcase

    Dr Joan is offline
    #82

    Default

    Thank you so much for getting back to me. It was difficult for me to post within the time limits due to my home situation. My husband is on hospice. I thank you for your comments and appreciate the constructive enhancement to my writing. Definitely an improvement to put the sentences together. Now for a decision to use the colon or a comma. Hope that you have a wonderful day and upcoming holiday season. Joan
Page 9 of 9 FirstFirst 123456789

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •