A.K.A. Dangerous Dentally Drilling.

So, it’s a special day. You’ve spent most of the morning showering, making up and choosing your clothes and all you need now is for your fantastic guy to appear and whisk you off to a beautiful night of fun, thrills and deciding whether to lose your panties here or wait till you get home to bed.

Instead, he comes whimpering to your door, face so swollen it looks like it’s been used as a jackhammer on the Delaware to Honolulu highway. All plans for a fresh, fantastic evening are out of the window because, today of all days, he gets a toothache. So what should you do? Tie a string around the offending tooth and toss him off the tower? Get him drunk on brandy and use the pliers to pull his fangs? Never fear Agent Double D.3 has investigated this phenomenon just for you. So throw on your mink coat, grab your dancing shoes and read below for Agent Double D.3’s guide to Pulling it Out in Time.

Agent Double D.3 Reports :

1. Vampire heroes. You’ve never heard one moan, complaint or even a little gripe from the amazing man standing before you—until now. It seems big, dead and fearless is floored by dint of having one measly chipped fang, and with it your chance of a hunkalicious night in bed looks as likely as an ice cream sundae in the depths of Hell. The answer is simple. Don’t take no, or ow! for an answer. Drag him immediately to the nearest dental surgeon and have the fang pulled, price is no obstacle, and then drag him back home and put him to bed. You know you can comfort him there. Whatever you do don’t allow him to have the tooth capped. After all, the last thing you need is embedded plastic stuck in your neck when you go to work in the morning. Not to mention he’ll be sitting there whining all day until the tooth is capped again.

2. Werewolf heroes. The problem here isn’t so much that a tooth is broken, has cavities etc. It’s more a question which tooth is broken, has cavities etc. Just remember Red Riding hood’s last words—“My, what big teeth…” Red just happened to forget how many there were of them. And with him going out every night hunting things down, chewing on bones and goodness knows what else (you sure don’t want to know.) It wouldn’t be surprising to find his teeth had enough cavities to make the Catacombs look like a kiddies playground. Your best bet for treatment is to knock out your beloved with some extremely potent sleeping pills, then hire a dentist for next 24 hours. You’re going to need him. Just make sure when your hero wakes up he’s naked, in your bed and the first thing he sees is you in your transparent thingy he bought for you last Christmas. Things will, finally, take their natural course from there.

3. Regency heroes. Now, your beloved Regency hero can; fall off a horse; pull himself unharmed from a crashed carriage; take a bullet in the brain and still walk away unharmed. A toothache will have him whimpering, in bed, in no time. Don’t allow this to spoil the party. Call in the local Doctor, pass the doc the pliers you have handy and feed your beloved a bottle of best brandy, just to get him in the mood. When he's semi-comatose tie his hands and feet to the bed so he doesn't thrash about and belt you one. Once the offending tooth is removed shoo out the staff and lock the door. His relief, and the fact he is still tied to the bed, can be used to great advantage.

4. Scottish historic heroes: There is no more bloodcurdling sound on the moors than a Scottish hero bewailing the pain in his tooth. Take a rock and string up to him as he stands on the tower battlements and offer an easy solution. Alas tying his tooth to the flagpole and tossing him over the wall is not a viable choice. There would be too much mess to clear up. The best thing here is to simply drop the ball of string. When he goes to pick it up, clomp him one with the rock. Now that he's nicely unconscious you can take the tongs and pull his teeth to your, uhm, his pleasure. Leave him, he's unconscious, lying on his back with nowt but a kilt on. Go for it girl…!

5. Contemporary heroes. Pain killers, high speed drills, nice sterile dental surgeries. Modern day man has it made when it comes to the convenience of treating a bad tooth. So why is he sitting there on the couch, moping, and sucking down the clove oil like there is no tomorrow. So, find that cute little baby doll nightie, forget the panties and present yourself by standing square in front of the TV set. When he makes the lunge, deftly side-step and let him know this will all be waiting for him when he gets back from the dentist. Be prepared though and have one of your buzzy friends nearby. Chances are he'll be so drugged from the knock-out shots and pain killers all he'll do when he gets back is sleep—buzzy might be your only company tonight.

6. Fantasy heroes. Toothache? Toothache? This is a fantasy goddamit! Heroes never get toothaches. Well, alright, he's got a toothache, but don't go telling me it hurts, not after that near fatal battle with the dragon three times bigger than the Whitehouse only left him with a flesh wound. Give him what passes for a pair of pliers in his particular world and tell him you'll be waiting for him, naked, in bed. If that doesn't sort the problem in a matter of minutes, then take the pliers, offer to go on top, and wait until he opens his mouth to vocalize his pleasure…

7. Futuristic/SciFi/SF. Toothache has been genetically engineered out of his and everyone else's body, why on earth would he be complaining of a toothache? Oh, so his tooth broke when you threw a shoe at him for kissing Cindy Watters at the Anti-grav skid ball last Wednesday. Understood. Well, if you really feel he should be taken out of his misery, simply buy one of those instant toothache pastes from the pharmacy on the corner and let the dear little nanobots do their work. Of course if you just want rampant sex, the trip to the corner store can wait.

8. Western heroes. So he's been riding one too many bronco's and comes home with a battered face and two teeth cracked. (Well, at least he tried to blame it on the broncos and not another bar brawl.) You could try tying his tooth to a bullet and seeing if you could shoot the offending thing out. Unfortunately with this method it might be too tempting to stop his moaning by shooting something else. The simplest ploy is to get him to bronco ride the stallion he's had corralled in your back yard for the last few months. With luck he'll land on the same side and the aching teeth will be knocked out. If he lands on the other side, Hell, he'll have a matching set and no reason to complain. Ultimately you'll probably have to drive him into town and let the local barber pull them. Oh, and make sure he gets a good short back and sides at the same time. Sex? Not tonight young lady, though those summer squash did look tempting…

Agent Double D.3 Report ends.