A.K.A. What do you do with Chocolate Body Paint?

Well, it’s here again. That day. It’s been another year of blatant lust, and exciting memories but you still can’t understand why she’d prefer an overpriced box of chocolates to a tasty pint of blood, or freshly prepared haggis. Too well do you remember bringing home a perfectly good sirloin as her valentine’s surprise last year and spending the night sleeping on the porch with the new pair of crotchless babydoll panties you’d bought for her. Just for an experiment, like.

So, chocolates. Where to begin, dark, milk, light, white, mocha, demitasse, boxed, chopped, cooked or raw? Should you get her the ½ lb heart shaped box for twenty dollars or the boring square shaped 1lb box for ten? Or do you think Belgian chocolate is just another variation of French kissing? Have no fear. Special Agent Double D.3 has risked life, limb and a few million calories to bring you this special report on how to sweet talk your way into your valentine’s edible panties. Find out, What do you do with Chocolate Body Paint? below.

Agent Double D.3 Reports :

1. Vampire heroes. As you walk, somewhat insecurely, to meet your date try not to think too hard about the red heart shaped box of cherry liqueur chocolates you’re carrying. Under no circumstances let it remind you of the human heart -- the soft, hot-blood-filled, human heart. The same warm and delicious liquid you sip from your beloved before, during and after those ravaging sex sessions that leave you both sated and exhausted. You won’t think about that? Good. Also, it would be wise, to avoid seeing her eat those cherry liqueurs. Wouldn’t want a sight of that red syrup to remind you of that delectable nibble you took from her last week… Oh, and bring along about ten pairs of those lacy panties she adores from Victoria’s Secret. Looks like you’ll be ripping a few of them off her later tonight.

2. Werewolf heroes. Knowing how well trained you are from past experience we can all see that you will put that steak back in the freezer where it belongs. Now, there’s no need to be utterly confounded by this, but human women, even if they do buy you fresh steaks for your birthday, don’t find raw meat too appealing to their senses. So if you want those pure silk, imported from Europe, lingerie sets to have their best effect. Buy her chocolate. Don’t know what to buy? Well, go for the best, Godiva or Neuhaus at the very least. If you’re not certain of her particular tastes in this field then go for a mix of dark and milk chocolate. Try not to give her a chocolate Easter bunny for her valentine gift – unless you have a real penchant for sleeping, with her panties, on the porch.

3. Regency heroes. Let’s face it. You’re doomed. Chocolate wasn’t too easy to come by in your time and well, any decent heroine is going to want her valentines day chocolate. You might find self castration a somewhat less painful punishment to the one she’s likely to dish out on you. Then again, try turning to one of the more popular sweetmeats of your day. Send her fresh fruit preserved in brandy. Pear, apple, orange. Anything, just as long as she gets to imbibe the delicate amber fluid the fruit resides in. Time your arrival just right and you’ll be in time to catch her as she faints from your kindness. It will then, of course, be your gentlemanly duty to carry your comatose lover to her bed, remove those horribly tight fitting clothes (yes, yours too) and make sure you are both very comfortable in her bed.

4. Scottish historic heroes: Don’t even dream of taking her some fresh haggis. She’s still puking up every now and then from when she tried to make one for you. Instead try a little artful baking. Fresh fruit pies and pastries that melt in her mouth will melt her heart, and body, to yours. Have a quick word with Mac, the cowman, to see if you can wrangle some fresh cream from him for the occasion. No, no, no, dummy. You don’t pour it over the pies…

5. Contemporary heroes. As impossible as it may seem, you need to make a short visit to the local Hallmark store. And yes, you need to spend at least fifteen minutes going through the cards to find the only one left with the soppy I love you poem on the inside. A nice box of chocolates, couple of bottles of wine, a set or two of genuine pearl earrings and a very large can of chocolate body paint and you’ll be all set up. Just a hint though. Uhm, don’t mention the large can of chocolate body paint until the bottles of wine are gone, okay. After that, just apply liberally and lick.

6. Fantasy heroes. Yes, you are the fantasy hero. We all know how good you are at satisfying her fantasies but. Well, I don’t know how to break this to you gently. When we said buy her chocolate, we meant a box of chocolates. At no point of time did we suggest a chocolate dildo. Now, let’s face it. Nothing is less seductive than having that thing shoved in your face without so much as a by your leave. Of course, you might want to keep it handy for later. Who knows what sticky little tricks you can think of once she’s warmed up to your sweet idea.

7. Futuristic/scifi. In this pre-prepared-food-that-comes-in-a-pill-and-let’s-not-waste-time-cooking-junk-food era, chocolate is something that comes in a three second shot from the synthesizer. Who needs a lover to bring over those sugary temptations when a quick tap of the fingers provides more than you’ll ever need? Now, of course, if you bring over several pairs of edible candy panties… well, that’s a completely different matter.

8. Western heroes. You’re the smart one. You know how to woo the girl and keep your spurs on at the same time. You brought her chocolate. Lots of chocolate. More importantly it was chocolate that you made yourself, with your very own hands. Based on a idea stolen from those connoisseurs of coffee, the Starbucks company. Of course the one teensy little mistake you made was not reading the box correctly. They used coffee beans dude. So, well, I guess you can sleep with the window open tonight. If not, your werewolf friend can always use some company on the porch.

Agent Double D.3 Report complete.