A.K.A. Where on earth has it been?
Youíve just watched the latest show of Jerry Springer and discovered that perhaps sex could have an unpleasant side to it. After all, how long have you know this superlover of yours. And, letís face it, to become a superlover requires practice, lots of practice. Just how many disease ridden trollops did he learn his craft with, hmm? Okay, so a year and a half after you first took him to bed seems a little late to think about safe sex but, hell, who says you canít make up for lost time.
The difficult part is presenting you case and having your beau agree. Should you surreptitiously just slip a Trojan on him when heís not looking. Should you have the latex surgically attached to his nether regions for worry free sex? Or perhaps you need to seriously reconsider your relationship because you just know his dipstick is checking out every sump in town. Never fear, Agent Double D.3 has risked life, limb and a million dollars of shares in the local prophylactic factory to bring you this special report -- Where on Earth has it been?
Agent Double D.3 reports :
1. Vampires: These fellas have been around for years. Before you were even born heís had his share of roman orgies, naked druid sex orgies, er, religious rites. Not to mention he probably knew every whore in regency London by name and pubic hair type. Being dead kinda makes you immune to worry about things like AIDS, herpes and all those other little problems that score better on a scrabble board than on a date. But hang on for a bit and donít immediately go for the emasculation/ surgically-implanted-latex-condom solution. Being dead also means those little bugs and viral things canít live in him either though they can live a few short days on his skin. So, just as long as you scour his genitals with bleach and scouring powder every time before sex youíll get along fine. If he starts to complain, well, thatís why you do it pantiless of courseÖ
2. Werewolves: The one thing youíve got going for you here is that wolves mate until death. Unfortunately werewolves also tend to live a trifle longer than humans. Regardless it means he will have had far fewer sexual encounters than his cousin the vampire. All you need to do is keep a handy thirty pack of condoms ready (that should last a couple of days) and insist on him using them. At least make him use them until the werewolf doctor has done the necessary tests and pronounced him clear. After that toss the icky things into the local recycling bin (remember colored condoms in the pink bin, plain in the white and bumpy ones in the red.) Does he feel unhappy with this state of affairs? Console him a little by tossing him a few pounds of prime rib and then artfully present yourself, pantiless and whipped cream at the ready, for dessert.
3. Ghosts: I donít care how many condoms you buy, or how small you get them. There ainít no way youíre going to get one to stick on this guy no matter how hard you try. Not that it matters much since physical contact isnít your loverís forte and even if he had a dozen lovers most bacterium will either freeze to death on contact or beat a hasty retreat to the other side of the hosts body. Be tactful though. Your research may have determined his probable cause of death as a hefty dose of syphilis but itís wise not to bring it up. After all, wouldnít you rather experience the soft chills of lustful fingers than a dead manís cold shoulder?
4. Invisible men: Donít listen to him. Yes, we all know he is a brilliant, nay, genius of a scientist. In this instance, though, he is wrong. Just be cause he is invisible doesnít mean the STD bugs canít see him to infect him. Donít be fooled by his elongated explanation of invisible condoms either. If he doesnít wear his cover provided by you, heís not getting under your cover either. Of course, once heís been given the all clear by the doc, no problem. Still, it wouldnít hurt to spray a little disinfectant over his bits when you start each lust filled session. A girl has to look after herself, you know.
5. Mermen: For some obscure reason merfolk appear to be immune to almost all of the regular STDís. Your main problem lass, you guessed it, is crabs. And weíre talking huge suckers here not your regular run of the mill guys. And watch out for those barnacles too. The best thing is to keep your legs clammed shut until youíve performed the only known cure. Have him sit his naked butt in a pot of boiling water until youíve cooked those suckers good. A year or two later, after heís fully recovered, reward him with a special wine, dinner and pantiless evening. Crabcakes always go down wellÖ
6. Incubus: Safe sex? Trust me hon, there ainít enough condoms in the world to deal with this guyís needs. Best if you stick with your friend Rosy Palmer on this one and let the rest of the world succumb to his disease ridden blaze of glory. Who knows, maybe youíll find a nice stable werewolf next time around.
7. Djinn: Mention AIDS to a djinn and youíll find your living room suddenly full of half a dozen highly competent assistants. Letís face it. You get a nasty illness, one flick of his tawny braid and boom, youíre in perfect health. As for catching an STD from him, come on. Have you ever seen a sick genie? (And yeah, we know all about those Persian dancing girls.) So trust him a little, or not. Either way heíll be magicking those panties away from you in a moments notice so why not go along with things and just enjoy. Do you really need condoms anyway?
Agent Double D.3 report ends.