This road trip has been an incredible journey. I'm learning so much about myself, Dale, my kids, and God. One of the biggest things I've learned has been not to judge people, and I mean that in the , "I don't know what they're thinking" sort of way.
For most of my adult life, I've tried to be very compassionate and not judge people's choices. I'm not prejudiced like many people in my life have been, not about skin color or whom you chose to love. None of that has ever mattered to me, if you are a kind person simply trying to live your life, then rock on.
However, all that being said, I've recently realized, that I'm still incredibly judgmental in an everyday sense. When, what I deem stupidity arises, or when I hear a story about something someone did that makes my head hurt because I can't believe anyone would behave that way, or when my ex, or lately it's been Dale's ex, does something that just makes me want to slap them.
It occurred to me, that every single time, I think to myself, I would never do that, that's a judgment and I truly think all these judgments have been weighing down my soul.
I know I know, I'm getting all new agey, but it's true, I can feel it. So now that I'm aware of it, I'm trying to change it and already I'm noting huge changes in my spirit and the way I view myself which is changing my life!
The biggest thing I've noticed is that once and for all, it seems I've lost that concern for what other people might think! I don't know, maybe it's not permanent, but it's not there. And I don't mean, I've learned to get passed it, or to ignore it, it's simply not there.
I've had a very large potential good thing come up in the last week or so and it's one of those things I would have passed right by because people might say this or that, and I honestly can't find myself caring, I've tried! I want this, I believe in this and quite frankly it's my damn life! :D
It's such a strange phenomena for me to be without that feeling. It's been constant for as long as I can ever remember. I don't like upsetting people, I don't like disappointing people, I don't like it when people disapprove, and I've lived a great portion of my life either fighting those feelings or managing my life in a way to only make others happy and comfortable, so seriously, this is HUGE! :D
The other part of this connects to dreams. I think it's finally dawned on me that not everyone in this country has the same dream. You know, the white picket fence dream and all that goes with it. In fact, I'm coming to believe that even those who've done the whole picket fence thing, may not even want it! (Oh you know I'll be working that into a book soon! lol) More importantly though, I also finally get, that not everyone in this country, but me, has achieved their dreams.
I can not tell you why I've felt this way, that I was the only one left out, the only person not at the party. It's ridiculous really, but I did! I realize now, maybe because I've seen so much of the country now and so many of the people, that people are all just pretty much trying to get by, feed their kids and keep their lights on.
Maybe I bought into the media too much, I grew up in Hollywood and Disneyland after all. lol
All this makes me feel more relaxed I think. That feeling of never being good enough, or even acceptable has left me. I've finally figured out that I'm really not doing any better or worse than most people. That I'm just trying to manage my life, raise my kids and lose weight! lol
Maybe the one thing that makes me the most different from everyone else I know, is my need to continually grow, both spiritually and intellectually, but I like that about me. So if that makes me a freak in their eyes, so be it, coz that I'm not changing, it's too deep a part of me.
Anyway, my road trip wraps up in a few weeks and though I will miss a lot of things about being out here, I'm so ready to get going on this next little part of my life. Especially since it will be making one of my personal life long dreams finally come true!
I can't wait! And don't worry, you'll be hearing all about it so stay tuned. LOL